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Can a WS come out of a limerence affair and not only see it as crazy, but also have meaningful feelings for their BS? I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around feeling like I’ll be fully appreciated for who I am since they don’t feel all those gushy, passion filled feelings for me, but felt that in their affair.

This would go really well in the I Can Relate - BW Questions for WS....

I'm 4.5 years out from D-Day and my BW and I are reconciled and still working on our new and improved M. We both communicate and deal with issues head on. No more rugsweeping anything - A related or otherwise.

I can only speak for myself, but I came out of the affair fog before my A ended and I actually started IC. I knew things were not right. I had a lot of soul searching to do.

As much as I am sure I will get a lot of people questioning me - I always loved my wife. I never intended to leave. I was messed up at the time. I sought help in the exact wrong direction. I should have been talking to my wife, but I was too chicken and afraid that she didn't love me and what her response would be. Dumb.

I wanted my wife.

What I did almost guaranteed that she would leave. But not doing anything was leading to the same path. some messed up thinking there at the time.

One of my many questions also.

How can a quiet, mature love compare to the intoxicating passion of a new relationship? Wouldn't it seem just as boring as it did before the affair?

That idea would seem to put a lot of unfair pressure on the BS after the affair.

What should I do, how should I dress, how should I act, what should I say?

I'm 66 years old.

Please, please, please.....I want the quiet, mature love!

These are tough questions. Not too long ago I had a chat with a friend of one of my stepson's who is a PhD in psych and has a counseling service. We got to talking about something like this and my question was about the remorse betrayers have after the affair is exposed and people are hurt...

His point was that in the moment of having their se, it's is a wild and intoxicating time (for 99% of them). They may have regret and remorse later, but those feelings/emotions of those moments are forever burned into their memories- regardless of how much they think they're not. And those memories surface every now & then. Some betrayers try and repress them and others do not. But they're still there.

As to this specific issue for the thread, I never got over it. I mean, there is no denying they had wild, unbridled passion and we get the steady "mature" sex. It satisfies their fantasies. We don't. It's just something we have to live with. Another thought is that betrayers sex isn't always best sex. To be sure, sometimes sex at home where each other knows the other's body and desires... is "best", but doesn't play to fantasies.

For me, it created hollow sex.

Every relationship goes through a phase of NRE (new relationship energy) before changing. NRE doesn't last forever, although when you're really lucky, it morphs into ERI (established relationship intimacy) which is all the passion and romance of NRE plus the trust and knowledge and vulnerability of a longstanding relationship.

Just because you have a steady "mature love" doesn't mean it can't be passionate and full of energy the way a new relationship is. You just have to find ways to connect like that.

As a poly person, I tend to find that when I develop NRE with a new partner that it floods my current relationship with ERI- spillover NRE, if you will. For some people it goes the other way and they neglect existing relationships when they meet someone new.

I think the most important thing is recognizing that it's not the person that generates those feelings, but the newness and the anxiety (positive kind of anxiety in a way). It means you aren't seeing the other person as they are, but as you want them to be. They aren't inherently more exciting or passionate than your partner- they're just a new experience. NRE isn't "meaningful feelings" for that reason- it's just endorphins. It's what feels like falling in love, but it's nothing more than looking into a mirror. Real feelings come from getting to know a person and being truly vulnerable and open and honest with them.

I think that as long as a WS actually realizes that, they can work on learning ways to bring that passion and ERI back into their marriage rather than looking for it externally. Barring some extreme circumstances and mismatch, the grass is greenest where you water it.

[This message edited by PSTI at 4:54 PM, May 12th (Tuesday)]

NotTheSideChick

I completely understand what you're saying. My husband's affair was strictly emotional, but he thought he was in love with her and definitely had the limerence thing going on.

I, too, have a hard time feeling loved and appreciated after all of that, especially since he didn't seem to care about losing me when he was all wrapped up in his super-secret NRE (I think the super secret part adds fuel to the fire in a big way).

I often wonder what's changed. I've always been me, but now that suddenly being with her is no longer an option, he seems to care again. At my most cynical, I think that's what changed — that being with her was off the table. But, I think the truth is probably that the fog has been lifted and he's seen the ramifications of his actions.

Wishing you peace and comfort.