SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OMG I love this.. I was just thinking I would never leave. LOL

Betrayedafter20, I have a few thoughts and questions. I'll try to keep it short and to the point.

1. T/J: josiep, your posts to Betrayedafter20 in this thread are Rockstar material. They are so solid and full of clear-eyed wisdom. Thank you!!!!

2. Betrayed, what will happen when he has a new girlfriend? When she's around your kids all the time? When she forces the STBX to exclude you, out of respect for her? Are you preparing yourself for this inevitable time?

3. With all of the efforts you are making toward sucking it up to hang with ex (including ex in things, allowing ex to do whatever) do you understand that your kids see it as watching you disrespect yourself? If they know you were treated badly in the R (and they do), then watching you behave kindly to the man who hurt you is interpreted as weak and having no boundaries. This can be very upsetting to kids, causing them to make all sorts of psychological transfers to never be in the same position themselves. ("I'll never marry a weak woman," so accidentally marries a narc. Or "I'll never be weak like mom," so stays emotionally unavailable and distant, never loving or trusting anyone.) This stuff happens. Kids need two parents with healthy habits, and playing nice with my abuser is not considered a healthy habit. They do not expect parents to overlook horrible treatment, nor do they want that. I've known kids in this position, and they hated witnessing the weakness when they wanted to see strength. Your kids love you and want you to respect yourself.

4. There are many great websites on "how to establish healthy boundaries" that will help you come up with some. I found them extremely helpful as I am not always clear myself.

5. Lastly, your only parental jobs are to love yourself and love your kids. Your job is not to "love their dad;" that's their job, if they deem it appropriate. We don't owe anyone love, but hate is not the only option besides love. Detached indifference is more appropriate. By loving the ex because he is their father, even though he has been horrible to you, you are failing at your primary job: teaching your kids the importance of loving themselves.

For your kids' sakes, be firm but kind with the ex.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 5:29 PM, July 1st (Wednesday)]

In your effort to show your kids that divorce needn’t be a bad thing, they’re also learning that infidelity is no big deal.

I really think the kids know that the infidelity was the dealbreaker.

What I meant was, they might know it was the dealbreaker but by watching you be kind to your WH, it seems that him cheating on you didn't hurt you very badly because, after all, look how nice you're being about it all. It must be easy to get over betrayal/heartache/fill in the blank.

Or, perhaps we're looking at it all wrong. Maybe they're thinking "Oh, Mom didn't really love Dad and isn't that upset that he's gone."

As I said, be careful of trying to orchestrate things in order to teach a lesson cuz you can't control what lesson they take from what they observe.

Look, I'm not trying to beat up on you. You're obviously very intelligent and very strong and very, very principled. With those traits, you'll be fine in the end whether you take the collective advice here or not. But do ask yourself if you're living your authentic life? Is that really who you are? Or are you angry and hurt? Because if you're angry and hurt (which by all accounts would be the normal reaction to what you've been through), it will come out someday. Somehow.

And then ask yourself, do you want to postpone that wailing and gnashing of the teeth and take the chance that he's long gone and doesn't have to suffer through it? Won't you be pissed off if you do all that suffering alone?

OIN

3. With all of the efforts you are making toward sucking it up to hang with ex (including ex in things, allowing ex to do whatever) do you understand that your kids see it as watching you disrespect yourself? If they know you were treated badly in the R (and they do), then watching you behave kindly to the man who hurt you is interpreted as weak and having no boundaries. This can be very upsetting to kids, causing them to make all sorts of psychological transfers to never be in the same position themselves. ("I'll never marry a weak woman," so accidentally marries a narc. Or "I'll never be weak like mom," so stays emotionally unavailable and distant, never loving or trusting anyone.) This stuff happens. Kids need two parents with healthy habits, and playing nice with my abuser is not considered a healthy habit. They do not expect parents to overlook horrible treatment, nor do they want that. I've known kids in this position, and they hated witnessing the weakness when they wanted to see strength. Your kids love you and want you to respect yourself.

I'm not sure if you got this from a professional source, but it certainly makes sense to me. Will be chewing on this for sure.

josiep

I am grateful for your thoughtful input and believe me every word has resonated.

Both you and Owning It have been friends in giving me a perspective I need without being unkind.

Thank you so much for spending time on helping me with this portion of the healing process.