SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know I am these days.

Sometimes we all find ourselves due for a little maintenance, yeah? I'm definitely due for a tune-up - particularly on the resilience front. And maybe just a reality check in general. I know I've referenced my long time IC around here who literally picked me up after Dday...and other life events now that I think on it. Anyway, I got this email reminder today with this subject line:

Link for your much-needed mental health smack up side the head

Sounds about right. I'll let you all know if I gather any tips for our toolboxes.

I'm definitely due. I kind of gave up after my last longtime IC turned into a total failure.

Hey there squid:

Are you shopping for a new one? So many are doing the Telehealth thing right now which actually seems pretty convenient.

I've seen a couple updates from you here lately and it sounds like you've had some well-deserved head-shaking moments from your Ex. Sigh.

Continue to take good care of you - this last year has been a doozy for you.

How do you find a therapist for IC? I had abysmal luck when trying to initially find a councilor during my divorce. The one they gave me was useless, offered zero suggestions for managing emotions, and acted like he was about to go to sleep. He knew nothing useful about dealing with a narcissist.

I never tried again, but I think I could benefit from someone to help me navigate the remaining 2.5 years I have to deal with a narcissistic ex over money owed to me. He's having a profound impact on my health and I need ways to banish him from my personal bubble.

[This message edited by Muggle at 12:24 PM, July 16th (Thursday)]

Hey Muggle - who was the "they" that gave you a therapist? Was it like one name from an EAP or your insurance?

It's been about 20 years since I found my IC and it started with a recommendation from another therapist that my GP suggested to me. I had met with the first one, we weren't a good fit, and she gave me 3 other names to try so I shopped around until I found someone with a style/training background that suited my situation.

When I was in college, I went over to the Psych Department and saw a PhD candidate there for years as part of her schooling. I think it cost me $5 per session. It also wasn't just during the typical "school year" so that's an option. And it was great because it was like getting 2 for 1 on therapists since she had an advisor overseeing our sessions who I met with from time to time as well.

So - there are several ways I can think of if I was doing it now on my own. I would ask everyone in my medical circle for suggestions. I would get a list from my insurance company. I would check online for the nearest university that has a good psych program. I would only hesitate to ask my friends who they see just because I'm weird about boundaries like that and stuff. Maybe a recommendation for a larger practice, but I wouldn't want to see my friend's therapist. That's just me though.

Actually with so many therapists offering services online, I don't know that you are only restricted to your geographical areas right now. Don't quote me on that as I'm sure there are State requirements for providing services, but perhaps you have more options if you're in a rural area. You could "telecommute" to a larger area.

If I was searching online, I might try and see who specializes in what I might be needing: therapists/city name/trauma or infidelity, etc. Most post their bona fides and areas of interest in their profiles.

Don't be afraid to shop and try them on. At the initial intake, I always had a lot of questions too. And remember - if you don't have one who pushes you past your comfort zone, you probably won't get a lot out of it. Or if you're not in the right place to do your work, it's just you sitting there having a chat with someone. The old you get out of it what you put in.

Maybe that helps with some ideas. I can't ever see myself not having an IC available as a resource from time to time. Establishing a long-term relationship is lovely - they know all the goodies of your history, etc.

I got lucky and started with a IC about 3 weeks ago. He's been pretty helpful and for now, is covered by the employee assistance program with my employer - I get 5 free visits and after that will have a $20 copay. I'm just figuring out how to detach and start to build my own life after 32 years. I don't know that he specializes in separation/divorce stuff, but has helped me quite a bit with the anxiety and has some good tips for sleeping.

I sure do this pandemic is killing me. I should do virtual with my IC he offered it but just doesn't feel the same.

Why not give it a whirl crazyblindsided? I know it's not exactly the same but for me it was pretty damn close. I've been spending too much time in my own head lately and it was a relief to dump that crap somewhere. I also got some new ways of looking at a couple things I had not even considered.

Yeah - this pandemic crap is really really tough. I'm encouraging everyone to take good care of their mental health.

Absolutely!! Started driving 100 miles to see an IC I started with online last year. The drive is good for my head space and I really like her, so it's worth it.

Like you, Chili, I find myself in my head way too much.

I had planned to move out in January, but visit by daughter, who had to stay for 2 months because of Covid (she lives in China) effectively scuttled those plans. fWH knows, but acts like it's life as usual. If I mention it, he says "Oh, you're still leaving?" Right now, though, I know it's safer for me to stay in place.

For my own sanity I really needed to be able to get all this craziness out of my head.

I highly recommend it.