SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am so sorry Myname. This must feel like a real gut punch even though you know you deserve much better.

Your heart will eventually catch up with your head. Take care of yourself. These feelings are just as real as the day you found out a year ago. Dig in and find the strength that pulled you through then. We are here for you.

I don't know your story, but saw no mention of kids. If you don't have kids together, how do you know this information?

I truly believe that healing will be expedited when you go NC, and that includes hearing info second hand. After a few years (likely in the 2-5 year range we always talk about here), you can hear info about what is going on in your ex's life and be meh about it. But you are still too close to this.

Turn off your information spigot!

And try to shut her out of your thoughts and continue making your life the best it can be. The best revenge is a life well-lived. Truthfully, at first, that's why I started making a good life for me - so that I could rub his face in it (I had a rather successful niche blog that I know he was checking). But then I maintained NC, healed, and could not care less if WXH knows about all the incredible things that have happened to me since D-Day. My life is incredible for me, not to spite him.

Keep moving forward for yourself - I promise it's worth it!

I will have to disagree with King of Nothing, but that's because I happen to believe there's an epic confrontation of right and wrong happening around us all the time, every second of our lives. That's my belief system though.

I do think adultery represents a practically Homeric epic in terms of spiritual warfare and the spiritual implications, but again that's because I believe we all have eternal souls.

Forgive me for sounding perhaps overly sardonic and bitter. I’ve had a truly rotten week. With that said.

I certainly never gave a cheating spouse a pass for what they have done. I agree that actively choosing a course of action that will ultimately cause enormous emotional and spiritual pain on another person... KNOWING that it will, yet choosing it anyway, is a profoundly vicious and cruel act. I certainly thought so. I can see why you think it is evil. However, people act vicious and cruel to their spouses all the time, and even end up destroying their marriages without admitting Guilt and suffering no lasting consequences. If that kind of behavior doesn’t impact the the people who engage in those actions at all, then what is the point of believing in some phantom karma or cosmic justice? It won’t stop people being selfish and cruel.

It won’t force a person that wronged you to become a better person.

I can only live my own life, being as kind as I can and supportive as I can, because I have my own Rigid sense of right and wrong, which is also part of my background. I’m not going to waste my time believing that justice will prevail in the end. I can only make that happen for me.

I totally get it.,xh married ow. They look so happy when I see them around town.

But.....It took a while, but in my situation, my xh and OW fight all the time, I’m told. In fact, my sons went on Fathers Day to their huge home (and driveway has new vehicles and boat) and guess what happened? OW was yelling and screaming and xh, was hitting him, and locked him out of the house! I’m not happy, but please remember these are 2 people who have a lot of issues, and never got help for their issues, and now are going into la la land together. Until real life hits. Her 2 children moved out bc of the fighting, my kids rarely go over.

I know how you feel. Also how can someone jump out of a family into another family? It’s totally f****d up and so sad. I learned on SI we can’t figure it out bc we are not living in that level of insanity! We are real.

Then, a couple of years out, I would feel the sunshine on my face and be so happy I was not having to live in a state of worry that he was gonna cheat again.

Also, time heals but it’s what you do with the time that matters....Take time to process all this, it’s necessary, honestly. But I hope one day soon you will truly breathe a sigh of relief that better days are ahead for you.

I hope

We care.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 9:32 PM, August 11th (Tuesday)]

I have had the misfortune to have had 2 different cheaters in my life (I finally have fixed my "picker").

My ex-wife is a shell of her former self some 20 years post divorce. She continued on with her adultress ways in several different relationships that I had no idea about until years later. I recently seen a photo of her that my daughter had, and I did not recognize her, she has aged badly perhaps a product of her choice of lifestlye.

The other cheater I did not marry (we were engaged), and she has gone on to her third different BF since our break up. Some of these cheaters do get in a pattern with relationships and continue on with the choices that do not make good partners. Who knows for sure, and more importantly who cares?

she got engaged today to the OM she left me for.

If anything, you should pity him.

Her as well, for that matter.

I am just hurt that she gets to be happy and married while I’m crying alone.

Who or what determines what anyone “gets”?

Your happiness is solely your responsibility.

Your happiness is not, nor ever was, dependent on someone else - much less on a lying, childish adulterer.

You have nothing to do with her and she has nothing to do with you.

If you leave your happiness in someone else’s hands then you are guaranteed to never be happy.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 10:41 PM, August 13th (Thursday)]

I too got caught up in the whole fairness game - don't if you can avoid it - It's a trap.

My WH's father had a 5 year A, left my WH's mom, and married his AP (after a huge scandal) and they are still together (over 20 years later) and they seem pretty happy. (Granted if you ask a lot of people today my WH and I "seem" pretty happy). My mom, after she and my dad divorced, had an A with a married man, got pregnant, and he left his wife for my mom, and they are still married today - 39 years later (their M was a shit show for ages - seems better the last 10 years but what do I know).

I tell you this not to make you feel worse, but because: KingofNothing is likely right. The only way that Karma exists is if I was a real fucking asshole in a past life. Otherwise Karma seems to me like some rolling ball of fire (or shit - or whatever unsavory thing you can imagine) that is just haphazzardly going to (or not) whack you in the butt, or roll you over or whatever. But that takes control out of things - makes life seem like you are just some little cork floating at sea at the total and complete mercy of the wind and the waves.

But you're not.

In all honesty, the Fairness wagon, the Karma Bus, the whatever took up WAY TOO MUCH OF MY TIME. Don't be like me. Don't wait for something to bite your EX in the ass...hopefully by the time it does (if it does) you won't care because you won't know, or maybe you will know and you still won't care.

All this is easier said than done, I know, because I largely failed at it for a long time. But once you figure out how to put the focus on you (totally on you - not shadowed by your EX - YOU, and not on your EX, then you will be headed in the right direction.)

That being said it sucks to be where you are. I'm sorry you're here, with me...with us.

A story for you....

One day a man is being pursued by the police and he won’t stop. The police eventually stop him and ask:

Police: “why didn’t you stop?”

Man: “well my wife left me for a policemanl

Police: “so????”

Man: “I was scared to death you guys were trying to return her”

Now the OM is stuck with your cheating X. We get stories here, all the time of a BH who was previously an OM, now has his W cheating on him.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 5:41 AM, August 15th (Saturday)]