His rationale is that he goes to work and makes the money so I should bend over backwards to make his life as comfortable as possible and do everything at home.
He believes it is my job to nurture and pamper and take care of him, and his job is to make the money.
He honestly believes that society is worse off because marriages are not like they were 100 years ago where the woman's place was in the home and the husband ruled everything.
My failure to accept that led to his unhappiness - he actually called me a monster for how he claims I treated him.
And he still expects this after cheating and being unremorseful about it. I gave him my list of what I need him to do and he said he's not doing it, but he still expects me to do all this for him.
Says I caused him to cheat by not being the wife I was supposed to be so it is my fault he cheated as I left him no option.
These statements aren't just completely unreasonable, they are patently ludicrous!
Like you said, there is no reasoning with the unreasonable, so stop banging your head against the wall trying.
I agree with everything nekonamida laid out for you. I 100% agree that nobody should JADE with the thought or intention of changing the other person - it is an exercise in absolute futility. I do however think it is empowering to state your feelings on the issue in a matter of fact way. Not with the intention to change them. The only intention is to communicate clearly your truth on the matter. My therapist would call this "standing in your truth." I found this to be especially important when conflicts would arise in front of my step daughters. Simply saying 'no' or 'ok' and walking away felt like stonewalling, and wasn't something I wanted to model for them.
The key was to remain completely calm, rational and detached while stating it. Not trying to convince. No begging or pleading. Just my truth. And like OIN said, state it once, then never again. He already knows how you feel on that particular subject, and continuing to rehash it is just his attempt to control the narrative.
Not that I was always this strong and confident in my own truth. Abandonment is a bitch, no matter how strong you are, and I definitely spiraled and bought into a lot of the negative things he said about me to justify his actions post DDay.
The truth is, the negative things he said are things that he wishes were true about me. Because he believes that if they were true, they would absolve him of responsibility for his actions. But wishing things are true does not make them true. And his belief that anything could justify his poor decision making is patently false.
The truth of the matter is I am not too controlling, or too withholding, or too stubborn. I am a compassionate and empathetic woman who is also strong and resolute in her boundaries. I have standards that I communicate openly and honestly. If someone refuses to live up to those standards, the consequences are theirs to bear. If someone rejects me because I hold them to those standards and enforce said consequences, that is their problem, not mine.
I don't want to speak for sisoon, but I suspect that's what he means by your WH's pain. It is the pain of realizing that he is not as good of a person as he would like to think he is. Many feel pain when forced to confront that their viewpoint is wrong.
It is so hard for me to not try to make him see. It is all so crystal clear to me that it boggles my mind how he doesn't get it. I just can't understand how he doesn't understand.
I totally get this. To me it felt like there was an elephant in the room. And every time I would say “Oh my goodness, Mr. HHADL, what are we going to do about this elephant in our room?” He would reply “What elephant?”
People who are highly self-centered and narcissistic are simply used to getting their way and feel entitled to getting things their way. When you get sick of it and put a stop to it, they often cannot handle the change. They don't like it. They think you are being unfair and see YOU as the problem
^^THIS!
You already make great points about how everything he says is pretty much misogynist bullshit. He rails against it, trying to blame all of his wrongdoing on you. He sees you as the problem, because he's perfect, didn't you know? The thing is, even if he never comes around, the truth will still be the truth. You know it, in a deep-down-in-your-bones kind of way. You don't need his validation to own that. You also know that his own viewpoint gives him an easy out to paint himself as the victim while never having to change or do anything he doesn't want to do. No matter how many times he repeats this nonsense, it is still not true. No matter how much he tries to play the victim, he is still the perpetrator.
At a certain point you have to say to yourself, “I know there is an elephant in the room, and that’s all that matters. If he refuses to acknowledge the elephant, that’s his choice, and yes, he might get trampled. But I see the elephant, I know it’s there, and I’m going to take whatever steps necessary to avoid getting trampled myself.”
Repeat after me: I Do Not Suffer Fools.
Your husband is acting a fool. Do not suffer for it.
