Yes, yes, and yes. Her parents were 15 and 16 when she was born. They blamed her for ruining their life. They had 3 more kids and my wife raised them basically stating at the age of 5. She was left home all day with them. She did not have a childhood and was ripped from home to home just ahead of the landlord.
She is/was one of the kindest most giving people, Always put everyone else’s needs ahead of hers.
She has not missed one IC appointment since starting in November. They are really drilling down into this.
I am not surprised. I think there are a lot of cheaters that fit my profile - Perfectionist, overly selfless, no boundaries on my energy and time.
I was literally the last person most people would expect to go and have an affair as I was a doting wife and mother. I put everyone ahead of me always.
But, the thing about perfectionism is that it's often rooted in shame. The shame your wife is experiencing is only amplified by the affair, but has always been there. Pefectionists often do not feel good enough, and rather than show that vulnerability they tend to try and overcompensate for approval. We have a pattern of needing to earn someone's love, attention, respect. But, at the same time it's exhausting. We grow to resent it. Over time in a long term relationship we feel less seen because what we do for people is less noticed. Also because we lose a sense of self. We do more to get that validation but often it's a stretch that it's something they would even want for us to bother to do. We set up these expectations in our minds about what our role should look like.
I read "Rising Strong" by Brene Brown and it opened my eyes to the idea all of this was really self protection because I didn't feel good enough. My selfless behavior was really selfish in nature.
In the wake of the affair, the low-grade ever present shame that led to these behaviors is amplified greatly because we can no longer hide behind being a perfect wife. Our self loathing we numbed in being busy and selfish comes to the surface. It's debilitating.
I am not telling you this so you will feel sorry for your wife. She will be able to cope differently, learn to put herself first when needed. Self care was something that I was really bad at. This struggle she is having is a good thing, if she wasn't struggling it means she isn't trying. But, I am sure it is hard to watch.
Eventually she will have to find that sense of self - what are her passions that light her up and make her feel excited and happy in her life. We lose track of that kind of stuff when we are overdoing for everyone else. It was very painful to me to realize I didn't know who the hell I was any more. And, that makes the fear of losing you much greater because part of her identity is being your wife. That's why the 180 is triggering her. But, that's okay. That can be a stepping stone towards her growth.
I agree with Fenderguy, that you can possibly stay removed too long. The time will come that you will need to work through that reconnection with your wife or there is really no point in staying married - it will die a slow death if you don't eventually turn around and build that new marriage. (not now though - she needs to rebuild herself more first) But, I also agree with the 1st wife in that moving forward these new personal boundaries you have are also important and healthy to keep. Learning to put yourself ahead of others is healthy as long as it's not in every category and every way. Boundaries to me are different than the 180.
[This message edited by hikingout at 8:21 AM, August 6th (Thursday)]
