SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I get that bc it's very common to feel less than after getting cheated on. However, we are talking more about directly after marriage. Were you the one he wanted THEN? Or did he settle bc others didn't want him?

This question wasn't directed at me, but I can answer it for myself.

Just because someone wasn't settling at the time of marriage doesn't mean that they aren't settling now, in their minds. Or maybe overall.

Maybe a man marries the hottest, most beautiful woman he ever meets or could ever hope to date. Do all such men remain faithful or married? Well, what if...

She gets older and no longer has that 20 something, youthful look.

He gets bored with her type.

He gets bored with meeting her needs.

He puts her in the "dependable mom" box and is incapable of seeing her as any other type of woman.

But why should he settle NOW?!?

I am being facetious. But some people basically act that way. They are so into you when they marry, then that changes. Or they realize they can use your best qualities against you, use your loyalty against you, use your dependability against you.

It's why I will have a difficult time ever remarrying. Because I know it can change. Flowering words mean nothing to me, and society no longer backs marriage the way it once did. It's all on the whims of your partner. Someone can stay with me 'til death, but since I won't actually know that until one of us dies, it's not the booster shot it once was.

Many people here in 'R' have aspects of this feeling at well, going from a faithful partner to "at least they only cheated once - that I know of - and they won't cheat again, at least I don't think they will."

The fact that people change is what makes it necessary to nurture and keep nurturing relationships. A person who thinks a 20-something partner won't change will probably have problems in any relationship. Changes in individuals change their relationships - sometimes that end the relationship, sometimes it enriches it.

...at least they only cheated once - that I know of - and they won't cheat again, at least I don't think they will.

Note that someone can say that from weakness or from strength.

I can't guarantee my own behavior. How does anyone think they can make me predict someone else's? All I know is: I think my W won't betray me again, and I believe I'll be fine if she does. I thinks that's as close as anyone can come to predicting the future.

I get that bc it's very common to feel less than after getting cheated on. However, we are talking more about directly after marriage. Were you the one he wanted THEN? Or did he settle bc others didn't want him

Wow. There are plenty of wonen who adore their husbands and get sick of them later, would prefer other people.

There are also PLENTY of men who marry their wives solely because the ones they really want wouldn't have them.

All genders have endless capacities for assholery, and wonderfulness.

Also. There are slutty cheaters and there are cheaters who were only with their spouses up until the moment they cheated. There are also sluttyy people who are monogamous. Stop with the generalizations. Most of the sluttiest people I k ow, men and women, are really great st monogamy because they are making a choice to be faithful. It is what we all do, but a lot of people who cheat feel like they were forced into that position

Also. That study mentioned earlier in the thread - correlation does not equal causation. Being a dlut may make bonding difficult. Or it could mean you know how great you can be treated and won't settle for less. Also. This study was conmissioned by a group that promotes abstinence only education. They are not no nonpartisan.

It's funny all this talk about counts. Both my current WH and my exH had lower counts than me, and they both cheated.

This - so much this. My ex had only slept with one other woman before me....I slept with 35-40 men. We married in low 30s. Yep. He cheated big time. My counts may have been higher but I am loyal in a relationship. Options have nothing to do with character.

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 3:04 PM, August 21st (Friday)]