SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good for you telling the OBS. In my opinion, no one should ever have their agency taken from them....especially when one of the people taking their agency is the person closest to them.

As for your WW, I can't tell you where this will lead. I can only tell you that currently, she is an unsafe partner to be around, and her being blocked may be one of the best things that you can do. I'm hoping you get through this mess much sooner than later.

So glad that you informed the OBS.

I messaged the OBS yesterday and minutes after I sent the first message confirming she's the right person I get a lot of angry messages from WW asking why I'm talking to her and then threatening to hurt herself if I don't stop.

It sounds to me like the affair was still going on but that OM threw your WW under the bus when his wife found out.

You WW needs someone to blame so your it. I'm glad she is at her parents house so that can keep an eye on her.

Keep moving forward. You did the right thing.

Brother time to continue to get out if infidelity. I feel they are still communicating. There is no chance of R, whilst she is still having contact. Time for her to leave and be served.

Just be careful if you inform her employer. They may have some fall out and that may affect any Financial support.

One day at a time.

I messaged the OBS yesterday and minutes after I sent the first message confirming she's the right person I get a lot of angry messages from WW asking why I'm talking to her and then threatening to hurt herself if I don't stop.

She claims she heard through a friend of a friend but I suspect that is a lie.

This is one of the most ridiculous lies I have seen in this forum. You emailed the OBS, and within minutes the OBS had told a friend, who told another friend, who immediately contacted your WW and told her all about it?

This boneheaded lie suggests that there a network of friends of the OBS who are on 24/7 stand-by to relay messages to the woman who was having an affair with the OBS's husband, because that is what friends of the OBS would do.

That makes perfect sense...It's so obvious, when you think about it.

Or, how about the OBS mentioned to her wayward husband - the AP - that she was getting texts from some guy she didn't know, and the AP crapped himself, contacted your wife, and told her to make you stop?

I told the OBS tonight and she confronted OM. He has admitted to a physical affair as we all suspected.

WW has now turned nasty, blaming me for the affair. Saying he made her feel good etc. She's now blocked.

The change in your WW's mood is only to be expected. She has transitioned from having two men wrapped around her little finger to being dumped by both, and she is having a hard time adjusting to being tipped off her cake-eating throne.

And wouldn't you know...It's your fault.

What this shows is that your WW is taking no responsibility for her actions, and that she was and probably still is in contact with the AP.

Blocking her is the best idea. Her fantasy bubble is well and truly burst, and she wants to blame someone for that, as long as it is not herself.

...then threatening to hurt herself if I don't stop.

This is blatant emotional blackmail, a weapon she deployed because the AP told her to make you stop contacting his wife.

So here is a shield for you.

What you tell your wife if she ever mentions hurting herself or suicide again is that you are researching how to have someone sectioned under the Mental Health Act for their own good, and that if she mentions self-harm again you are going to begin that process.

Note to non-UK forum members: in the UK it is possible for a person to be taken into a form of protective custody if their behaviour threatens the health or well-being of themselves or others due to mental issues.

Genuinely suicidal people tend to withdraw, stop communicating, and the people around them are shocked and surprised if they kill themselves, because nobody saw it coming. A genuinely suicidal person does not use their suicide as a bargaining chip to try and control people. A manipulative narcissist does.

However, even if what she says appears to be an attempt to use your concern for her well-being as a way to control you, this is a subject area where erring on the side of caution is essential.

Although you have blocked your wife as far as communications go, I think it would be a good idea to let her parents know that she is threatening to harm herself.

They need to know that, and if her statements are baseless threats to try and manipulate you, the fact that they bypass you and instead impact her parents will be a deterrent to her trying that tactic again.

You have blocked communications with her, but another potential shield for you would be to tell your wife that every message she sends you will be forwarded to her parents.

That will help to clip the wings of her attempts to emotionally manipulate you. The worst thing you could do is to give in to it.

I am sorry you have been hit by this wagon-load of crap. We all got hit by the same wagon, just slightly different models, in different colours, and different locations. And we all found our ways to get up, dust ourselves off, and get on with the rest of our lives.

You will too. And we will do whatever we can to help you do that.

Seriously. Are you married or not? You called her a partner in your first post. A lot of people are assuming you are married and it a waste of everyone’s time if you are not. The strategies are wildly different. Just say for craps sake.

A lot of people are assuming you are married and it a waste of everyone’s time if you are not

They have been together 15 years, so married or not, it’s hardly a waste of everyone’s time to help him out here. There is still a whole lifetime of stuff to unwind and the only main difference is that you don’t need to divorce.

[This message edited by Jambomo at 11:25 PM, September 6th (Sunday)]

A lot of people are assuming you are married and it a waste of everyone’s time if you are not.

The only difference is that not being married the OP doesn't get to use D as a wake-up (or scare if you like) tactic. Emotionally he's suffered the exact same damage as anyone affected by infidelity and needs the exact type and amount of help.

Most everywhere in the West these days, 15 year co-habitation would lawfully be considered a Common-Law marriage under the law and does require a legal separation agreement governed by the same laws as divorce.

I am not in the UK and am unsure of the laws there, it might just be in order for despairingUK to make sure of his legal standing and the steps needed to dissolve the partnership.

In any case, married or not, 15 years together is longer than a lot of formal legal marriages lasts and despairingUK, you deserve every bit of support given to a married BS.

Sorry for the slow replies. We are not married and do not have children. We do have some shared finances and own a house together.

The truth is still trickling out. She claims he's never been in our house but I suspect he was on the day she turned off the security cameras.

I feel bad for OBS. They have children and it seems likely they used their house because its close to where they work.

Ws is still blaming me. I've ended her career, I've ruined her life, I treated her badly (it goes on).

Thanks for the replies.

[This message edited by despairingUK at 1:50 AM, September 7th (Monday)]

Don't worry about what she's blaming you for, she actually did that all to herself.

Not married, no children, no remorse, beam me up scotty, team to transport out of that galaxy..

Stop interacting with her. Only communicate for matters involving the wind up of the relationship. And then that can be done through a third party.

Interacting with her will just allow more frustration and turmoil.

Ws is still blaming me. I've ended her career, I've ruined her life, I treated her badly (it goes on).

Create yourself a standard reply if “You ruined your own life. This is simply the consequences of the actions that YOU chose to take”. Anytime she blames you for anything that now happens, standard reply, standard reply. It gets across that you won’t allow yourself to be blamed for anything resulting from her affair but also, the repetition will be a form of stonewalling her and she’ll probably soon stop doing it when she gets sick of that reply.

I feel bad for OBS. They have children and it seems likely they used their house because its close to where they work.

I hope you aren't taking any of the guilt or blame from this. You were the one person that "helped" the OBS. It's your WS and OM that did this to her and her family.

Ws is still blaming me. I've ended her career, I've ruined her life, I treated her badly (it goes on).

Yea you need to do a hard 180 with her. I realize you have to have some contact but prep your lines. You can tell her that you will take %50 percent of the blame for problems in the relationship but the affair and the ramifications are 100% on her. Also, a good conversation stopper when she does the whole blameshifting thing is ... I'm sorry you feel that way,I see things differently. Then leave it at that and walk away.

If you get any more threat of suiside you need to tell her parents or call 911 immedately. Don't try to fix her mindset yourself. She fired you from that job and has been abusing you since you found out. At this point I see no hope of R... She might change but at this point hearing her blather about blame is going to do nothing but hurt you. Move forward with ending this. She needs to move mountains to earn your trust and she's not doing anything.

I think M1965 is in an ideal situation to guide you. Listen to him – he tends to offer soundly based advice and has local knowledge.

There are some “advantages” in your situation. Keep in mind that it’s all relative. The “advantage” I’m talking about might be compared to being offered a coffee-break while being water-boarded.

The advantage I see is that your GF is in a safe(ish) environment if she’s staying with her parents. You share that she was hospitalized for a suicide attempt and has since threatened suicide. I hope you have let her parents know about this and have asked them to keep an eye on her. The advantage is that you can distance yourself from her and the infidelity for some time before making any major decision.

Attempted suicide and suicide threats are not the actions of a fully sane person. Heck… infidelity is not the actions of a sane person. Add to that the tone of obsession you convey she had for the OM and the rejection she get’s when OM turns her down. The realization of what she was doing… I wouldn’t be surprised if your WGF was experiencing some form of mental break-down.

Mental issues do not automatically refer to a barking-mad, pulling wings off flies and claiming to be Mussolini actions. She could be depressed, traumatized or manic. Not that it in any ways justifies her affair or minimizes what she did.

Only a mad man would expect logical conversations and arguments from a mad person.

That’s why I suggest you use the advantage and maybe advantages you have:

She’s in a safe environment – make certain her parents are totally aware of the suicide attempt and threat and voice a concern about her mental stability. Make it clear to her and her parents that you want time with no contact. If there are any practical issues that need to be addressed then maybe her dad can phone you, but for now you ask that she leaves you in total peace.

In time – maybe after 2 weeks or even longer – if both of you agree to it then you will talk. Time is another advantage you have.

I am not suggesting you ignore the issues or avoid dealing with them. For the next day’s/weeks SERIOUSLY look at your finances, the legal aspects of selling the house and/or purchasing her share, consider how best to separate financially, possessions and so forth… Create an action-plan for separation.

Fact is that IF the affair is over then 2-3 weeks isn’t the big issue. If you want to separate you would have to do the work I mention and that takes time. Fact is even if you separated completely NOW, we would be suggesting you take it easy, don’t date and stay off the booze for some weeks. Fact is that irrespective of D or R you need to recover. Fact is recovery takes time. Two weeks is only a drop in the bucket of that time, but if you use that time well then chances are both she and you will be in a better place to talk sanely. That sanity might be the key to reconciliation, or it might be the key to a sensible solution regarding the selling of the house.

Remember:

Only a mad man would expect logical conversations and arguments from a mad person.

I want to emphasise that your WGF mental state does not in any ways justify her affair or minimizes what she did. Nor does it place any obligation on you to forgive or understand her actions. You are totally free – like all us BS – to decide if you want to reconcile or separate. To separate all that’s needed is YOUR decision or her decision. If either of you are committed to separation, then whatever the other wants is irrelevant. If you want to reconcile then BOTH need to be on-board with the same understanding of what’s ahead.

What I am suggesting is that your WGF isn’t necessarily capable of that decision right now.

Honestly, I don’t really care if you find your happiness again through separation or through reconciliation. The only reason I post on this thread is because I hope to help you eventually find happiness. I just have a feeling that if you were to separate you would want to look back and reflect that you did that in the kindest and most respectful way considering the circumstances.

Thank you all for your advice and kind words. I do appreciate it and you've given me things to think over.

Her parents are aware of her mental state and I let them know each time she threatens to hurt herself.

I've been intermittently NC but I think going completely NC for a couple of weeks is the best thing to do now. Just this morning she actually told me she'd heard from the OM that he's been kicked out so they're still in contact.

She’s telling you that to hurt you.

MAYBE your relationship is wrecked beyond repair, maybe not.

Maybe OM and WGF are free to be together now he’s been kicked out, maybe not.

I think it’s basic reflex response to lash out at that what hurts us. It’s also basic reflex response to find causes to our situation that deflects blame from us.

I’m a former cop and if I pulled someone over for speeding a very common response would be to blame me for being so stringent on a “safe” road perfect for speeding and ask why I wasn’t at the donut store with all the other cops (i.e. placing the blame on me) and then justifying the speeding by telling me everyone drove at that speed on that road (deflecting the blame). Still got a ticket though…

She’s lashing out at you for hurting her. She sees the exposure and the consequences for her infidelity as your fault. She’s telling you he makes her feel good and that she can now see him all the time to hurt you back. Doesn’t make sense but that’s how she thinks.

In probably 9/10 instances where the OMW is told the OM drops the AP and focuses on saving his marriage. In maybe half of those cases the OMW kicks the OM out. I venture that in 99/100 of those cases where the OM is kicked out he’s focusing on trying to get back into his home. I think that IF OMW kicked him out he’s not focusing on your WGF. But her knowing this clearly shows there is some form of communications or some way info is getting to her.

I think there's a good chance the A is still happening.

The thing I'm struggling with right now is the house is still full of her stuff. It's like she abondoned the house. I don't think she has anywhere to put it so would it be wrong to move most of it into the garage?

I need to decide what I want to do with the house and I don't feel I can do that surrounded by her stuff.

As long as you don't damage her property, it is quite alright to get it out out of your sight and put it anywhere where it would be safe.

If the property or lease is only in your name, you may have her served with an eviction notice and give her a reasonable period to remove any property.

ETA:

Just check with a lawyer on how the latter should be implemented before moving in that direction, should you so wish.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 9:14 AM, September 7th (Monday)]

Irrespective of the name on the deed or who pays the utilities and mortgage then this is her legal home. She has a right to be there and an expectation that her possessions are safe. She could enter the home this hour and have a reasonable expectation that her stuff is where she left it. Any alteration or deviation from that could backfire terribly for you. I don’t know what it’s like in the UK but I have personally escorted men out of their homes after they denied their wife admittance. It’s considered domestic violence.

I think you can safely move stuff from areas of the home. Like the bedroom and the living-room. Just take care to store it respectfully and intact. I would photograph the rooms before you move anything, and photograph how you store it – item by item.

IMHO I still think my suggestion is the best: Give this time and commit to NC. You will both be in a better place to decide your future even just a week from now.