SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For those who do not know my story, my wife had a 2 years affair that was exposed by the OM’s wife, my WW and I are legally separated and she temporarily lives with her mom,

We had sex few days ago for the first time in almost 2 months. It was intense but a big aggressive from my part.

Today she offered it again if I want it. She said that we are still husband and wife and if I want it she would be happy to do it, I’m aware of the love binning concept, but I really do not feel manipulated by it and do want it.

What am I risking if I go for it let’s say once a week?

Without judgement, I would say...

Confusion about the situation.

Been here and done this after I kicked my first husband out:

She's maintaining you so you won't move on

Most intense sex I ever had with first husband was during this maintenance period. Totally kept me tied to him in my head too.

The only downside I can see is by taking her up on her offer(s) is to make sure you use protection to protect your health. Since you are separated you can’t be sure if she’s having sex with anyone else and not using protection.

Just my .02 worth.

It's referred to as "hysterical bonding". Very common phenomenon for couples that R and also for couples that D.

Don't think with your you-know-what.

You're setting yourself for a lot of pain down the road if the goal is to eventually divorce. She may just be trying to prevent you from moving on (and then drops you like a rock when it's convienent for her!)

Beware getting into an on again off again like relationship rather than a clean break. Those take an emotional toll and will prevent you from moving on, healing, and finding a healthier relationship.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 3:23 PM, September 6th (Sunday)]

You could jeopardize your seperation status depending on laws. You don't know if she is keeping record of it in case you end up in court and she can show on all these dates you pursued/were agreeable to sex with her.

Sounds like not only will it keep things mentally and emotionally messy, but you could get screwed (pun intended) in the long run.

Detach and keep moving forward.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 3:26 PM, September 6th (Sunday)]

What's the reason for the separation?

If it's purely because the area you live demands a period of separation before divorce then be careful. In most areas if you have sex you will lose the right to sue for divorce for adultery (if that's even still available where you live). It may even reset the separation date if your WW decides to be difficult and say the relationship wasn't over.

Are you leaning any closer to the possibility of reconciliation? Or at least not closer to divorce?

Is your wife making the progressions that you need to see?

Are you both very willing participants,(ie--or do you feel she is doing this out of obligation)?

If yes to the above, then besides the added possibility of confusion, like WhatsRight stated, I just don't see it as anything underhanded or manipulative. I see it as a couple, who are separated and working through issues, that like and want the intimacy of sex with one another.

WW and I were never seperated, officially. However, after DDay we didn't have sex for a little over a year. At first I just couldn't stand the thought of it, felt like I was giving up and giving in. But after awhile, it became a little bit of a power play for me to withhold. It wasn't healthy, and didn't help anything.

In the end, withholding sex for a year didn't gain me anything. It kept us in a state of limbo, and all I really got out of it was no sex for a year. You only get so many sexually active years before your stuff eventually stops working, and I wasted one of them. If it feels good, do it.

Although Pinkpggy makes a good point... make sure she won't use the sex against you.

BTDT. It was fun for awhile, but it was short lived on my end of things. I quickly realized how I was disgusted by her actions and behaviors.

Enjoy it while you can, but use protection.

You did all the right things when you found out. Right now you are faltering a bit. You still don’t know if you want to walk away. If you want to reconcile then maybe go for it. But get her to write a timeline and do polygraph first. That will also show her commitment. Have you both done STD tests? You don’t know where she’s been in the last 5 years.

But if divorce is still on the menu then this will play with your mind and muddy it. That’s why she is offering. She can’t divorce you now her reputation is in tatters, being married to you lets her get away with it.

I posted on your other thread about whether you really wanted to reconcile? If you are leaning that way, I don't entirely see anything wrong with having sex except that to me it could be confusing that work priority is fixing the relationship. It can lull you both into thinking that "other stuff" is all set now (because your "connected") but everybody knows the feelings that haven't been dealt with will resurface.

If you aren't really leaning towards reconciling, it only stands to mess with your heads more as you will continue to grow attached.

Just my $0.02...

not against you having sex, until your WW has been tested

for STDs.

has she been tested?

tell her it is a requirement before any more sex between you

two.

as to starting another thread it leaves out important back

ground information. you are still dealing with the whole JFO

issues. sex is a part of that.

There's a book which might help you called What Makes Love Last: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John Gottman. When I read this book and took all the lengthy quizzes, it turned out that my trust metric for my WH was still quite high even though I had answered in the affirmative such questions as "has your spouse ever cheated?" and "do you think your spouse might cheat?". That's because trust is more like an onion. There are many layers of it, different aspects of the relationship where trust still remains. For example, when it came to caring for the kids, being financially responsible, even taking care of me if I was sick, I still trusted my WH. The trust I had had in him prior to the adultery was complete... but it was also innocent and naive. In a world where half of all marriages end in divorce and cheating is rampant, I somehow still felt like we were immune. Today, my trust is more wary, earned rather than bestowed... but my trust metric in my WH is still surprising high.

My point is that I don't think you'd be engaging in sexual activities with your WW unless there were still aspects of the relationship where you have marked amounts of trust. That trust is reciprocated by your WW's agreement to sign the separation on your assurance that you won't make her sell. The injuries she inflicted upon you were egregious, but it I had to hazard a guess, I'd say that there's still quite a bit of trust between the two of you... and THAT is something which can be built on.

Your WW is still fucked up. Her boundaries with other people are still insufficient, and I would suggest that part of that is either an aversion to making character judgments or habitual people pleasing. Either is a problem which needs remediation if she's ever going to have effective boundaries. But she seems willing to do whatever is necessary and thus, a good candidate for eventual R. That's up to you.

All in all, I think you've got quite a bit to work with, but it all depends on what YOU want. You don't have to be 100% certain to explore R. All you have to be is 100% honest about your ambivalence so that your WS knows the score. OTOH, if you're leaning more heavily toward D, "cuddle hormones" and all the other biochemical stuff which goes along with sexual activity will confuse you both. Sex increases enmeshment. For D, the goal is to detach. So, at this point in recovery, I think you need to be a little honest with yourself about your goals. Your choices are:

A) Reconciliation

B) Undecided but leaning toward R

C) Undecided but leaning toward D

D) Divorce

I would say that if you're answer is A or B, go ahead and indulge in sexual activity at YOUR comfort level. But if your answer is C or D, better to back off and work on breaking your enmeshment. Your separation still has purpose either way. If you're working A or B, it can keep you from inflicting daily harm on each other while you're both learning better communications. There's no daily pressure or potential for heated interchanges. If you're working C or D, it's an opportunity to increase emotional detachment.

Dude. Have you absorbed any of my posts? I keep telling you this is a slippery slope. If you are looking to get sucked back in keep having sex with her. If you are looking for time and reflection to decide what you want, for craps sake just take a break from her. It isn’t that hard to say no for awhile. This is not that hard. Just say no.

IMO, it’s Hoovering, sucking you back in or as stated on your main thread by faithfullman P-bombing you. Again, IMO, used as a form of manipulation and could confuse you. That being said, I would probably enjoy it while I could with that in the back of my mind.

Today she offered it again if I want it. She said that we are still husband and wife and if I want it she would be happy to do it,

I could be totally off base here, but the language in the above statement sounds almost like she is “servicing“ you. Like it’s for your pleasure, not hers.

Of course, I don’t know her, and don’t intend to suggest that I do.

I apologize if I’m off base

Sorry...duplicate post

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 8:52 AM, September 7th (Monday)]

AH

From your other tread

Other thing is she implicitly offered sex , maybe the love bombing some of you talked about, she said that it made her happy that we did it and in the

eyes of God we are husband and wife

so she is open to it if I want it, I want to ask about this but to not thread jack I will open a new thread.

I sure do not have a phone line to God, but is this even a true statement. Does God really see you as married? Sure the law does considers you married but that's mans law not God's. Maybe God sees her affair as an end to the marriage the first time she had sex with him? After two years of having two husbands was she married in the eyes of God?

God gave us two commandments on adultery and justification for divorce. Not so sure he sees her as MrsAH anymore. I would sure wonder what God was thinking when she was with POSOM, was he her husband too, were you still her only husband, or did she no longer have any husband.

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 1:31 AM, September 7th, 2020 (Monday)]