Did it again. Screwed up again. BH got my new credit card in the mail, handed it to me and said, "Activate it and let's put the new one back in the vault with the old one." I don't have the combination to it, so it's out of my reach for spending anything on it.
Anyway, my knee jerk emotional overdrive reaction said, "No, I'm not going to do that, I don't agree with this."
He was upset because, yet again, I showed that it was more about me and my paranoia over his controlling behaviors than about his hurt and paranoia over my using the credit card on something we didn't discuss (like paying a lawyer). We are also working hard to get out of debt and in the past I would use the credit card for unexpected expenses between paychecks like extra food or gas. We're trying to pay that all off and he's frustrated that there's no real ground being covered on the credit cards I have. He wants me to obey him in this unquestioningly and gracefully after all I have done to him. He doesn't trust me. I asked him how he expects to build trust in our relationship if he doesn't extend the opportunity for building it. That was selfish of me again- telling him how to run his recovery.
As a lot of you know, I have baggage with the way money was handled in our relationship and have ADHD. The baggage came up and my ADHD sped it out of my mouth before my brakes could be applied and I could say to myself, "Gee, shouldn't you honor his wishes over your own? After all, you fucked another man and need to be making BH a priority."
Anyway, just another case of emotional reflexes ruining what was turning out to be a good evening.
I'm so sick of this. My overreactions from my ADHD brain made it difficult for me to control my responses to my BH and my kids, made it difficult to filter my responses to impulsive buying (I'd go to Meijer and buy stuff we didn't need like ice cream or chips or extra ingredients for meals I wanted to try to make. I'd even come home with jeans for the kids which were on sale or extra cleaning supplies that were on sale). This put my husband through no end of pain (from my emotional over reactions) and frustration with my lack of discipline. And now, instead of seeing that he wanted my cooperation and respect, I flinched and went back to my own pain and problems with being made to feel like a child for buying extra groceries. And made to feel like spending any money purely on myself in an impulsive manner was selfish and dangerous.
So, yeah, putting the credit card in the vault now, but missed completely on the opportunity to build good will.
I'm so sick of ADHD. The more I find out about it, the more I'm convinced it's going to be a life-long struggle. My BH is already overburdened with pain from my affair and now he's staring down the barrel of a 30-40 years worth of dealing with my ADHD shit on top of all that (even when medicated and compensated for, ADHD is hard shit to live with). It's not going away, it can only be managed and now he's got extra dose of PTSD on top of trying to keep me from being suicidal all last fall and then having to put up with this.
I just want to give up. He tells me there's no real reason for him to stay, that he's a chump for staying this long when there's been so little reason (aside from the kids). He's looking for me to give him reasons to keep going and I can't provide any. I'm stuck with my brain the way it is, I'm working with my psych to get my meds in a good balance, I'm working with my IC to stop the self defeating internalizing I do, but it's going to be a life long struggle. Sometimes I think it would be easier to walk away and not have to live with the disappointment, frustration and internalized shame I build up with each fuck up.
Further evidence I'm not built to be in a family or be loved or cherished or cared for- I just take whatever is good in my life and turn it to shit. Either with my shitty time management, my shitty impulse buying, my shitty emotional overreactions, my shitty driving (just ask me how many accidents and speeding tickets I've had in my life- I'm lucky to have a license still!). I just shit in everything I touch and don't even have the old, "well, I'm smart and make money and am physically attractive" to fall back on. I'm stupid for having an affair, money doesn't fix the fact you're an impulsive shrewish bitch and how can I be attractive to any one after they learn I've spread my legs for so many guys?
I'm very discouraged right now and exhausted and ashamed of myself and still somehow able to be angry at the injustice of all this shit I've had to live through and am likely going to continue dealing with the rest of my life. If I am being selfish in hanging on here, then I should let him go and divorce. My heart says we can break the shit past of our families' way of doing things and that if I just try hard enough, I can be the woman he wants and deserves to be. It says that giving up now would be another cop out and another failure to add to my pile and a further confirmation that I am not worthy of love, that I am toxic and a burden to those around me.
He has no reasons to stay, is disgusted with me and my actions, feels used and a fool for putting up with what he has. I only look for the wrong and have knee jerk self-protection reactions that only further damage him. If I keep trying to protect myself or live up to my own standards or try to have any sense of self autonomy, I'm just going to hurt him and fall on my face again. It's not about me. My feelings and wants don't matter. I am not worth the fight he's put into this. If I don't straighten up now, I'm not going to be able to have anyone who wants me in their life, unless, as my husband pointed out, "they're trailer trash like my AP." Maybe we deserved each other? I'm a piece of shit and he was attracted to that because he was one too.
