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The majority of married men who regularly go to prostitutes do so because they feel entitled to get sex whenever they feel like it. It’s like going out to eat something different just because you’re in the mood, you have the money, and you can.

That being said, if your husband has a sex addiction, then using sex to anesthetize his emotions might have some validity.

He doesn’t have a sex addiction though. As I stated earlier in the thread, he has been diagnosed with depression and suicidal ideation. I attended the appointments with him so I know this is true

Henr04 thanks for the post. Can I ask how you managed to reconcile for those 4 years? How was the marriage and how did you get the intimacy back? Sorry for all the questions but all these things are spinning in my head. I can’t see that we’ll ever be intimate again as the image of him being with her is still in my head almost every day. He is working very hard. Has regular reviews with GP, continues with medication and weekly individual counselling. We’ve had some really dark days when he’s wanted to take his life ....these are the times he says he’s turned to the prostitute previously. We’ve talked it through and contacted the helplines provided and made it through the day. He says he wished he’d told me of the suicidal thoughts and depression years ago as now he’s getting the help he needed. Although I’m supporting him I’m still so very hurt, angry and devastated by his actions. Some days he just revolts me and I can’t even look at him. I know he’s desperately sorry, full of guilt and remorse but the damage is done. I’ve said that I can try to rebuild the marriage but I can’t promise anything but that is proving to be extremely difficult as I just can’t get past what he’s done. I keep probing him for information which is just ultimately hurting me but I can’t help the need to know everything that’s happened between them. Why???

When I talk about it I can see this affects his mood and the downward spiral begins so I try not to but some days I can’t bite my tongue.

We’ve just started joint counselling.... his idea by as he really wants to make it work. He says he’s always loved me and his feelings have never changed, that our marriage was perfect and that what he did was about him being ****ed up and not our relationship.

I do still love him and I want it to work too but I’m really struggling to move forward.

Some very good questions and hopefully others may address them. I would add that you appear to have your energies directed toward you WH and your M. Are you leaving any energies to take care of you? Are you prioritized anywhere, by anyone? You've had your life shattered and yet so few of your posts are about you.

Starside, to answer your questions...the first few weeks after finding out about the escorts, I became obsess to find out all the details. He understood that I needed to ask all of those questions and although he was very uncomfortable, he walked me through all the details. Looking back, I probably asked for way too much information but I needed to somehow feel in control. In regards to the intimacy, I was embarrassingly horny and sex was just sex and not really making love. I couldn't stand him kissing me. Many times, I broke down in tears in the middle of sex from the pictures that would pop in my head. I would cry and he would just hold me tight. Intimacy got better once my own self esteem improved. You definitely take a big blow after your H cheats. I saw the picture of the escorts my H cheated with. They looked like porn starts. The images affected me almost daily for months. In order to help me, H became an open book. He provided all of his password, emails, phone logs, etc. He texted me constantly throughout the day. He went to counseling once a week. He also met with out church bishop for support and guidance.

I made many mistakes trying to R with him. I wanted restitution and I felt entitled to H meeting my every demand. Unlike you, I became cold blooded and did not care about his feelings or comforting him. He was depressed for months but used our children as a distraction. He would take them out to the park, and just focus on being a good dad to them. That also took the pressure from me. I think you're handling much better than I did. I felt very little emphathy, my anger definitely took over.

After 6 months or so, H broke down and communicated that if I was not ready to truly forgive him, R was not going to work. I agreed and started to low my walls but it took over 2 years to feel like I loved him again.

My R story does not really have a happy ending but I can tell you that time truly heals you and makes the pain more bearable.

This is like reading my experience! The need for all the detail, the constant images in my head and yes, it definitely has affected my self esteem. I too looked her up on her website.... something I wish I hadn’t done as it can’t be unseen. Her face was blurred out but I got the gist of what she looked like which is now forever in my head. It also concerns me that I could come across this woman at any time when we are out and about. I’ve asked him to tell me if we ever see her and he says he will but I’m not sure that he will. I just don’t want to be made a fool of (even more) by seeing her and me not knowing.

We’ve had no sexual activity whatsoever, I’m just not anywhere near ready for that, but I can imagine I would be the same as you.

He’s given me all his passwords in order for complete transparency and obviously I’ve been through everything with a fine tooth comb and I will probably continue to do this until I feel I can start to trust him again.

I don’t think I’m handing it particularly well but thanks for saying that. I’m ashamed to say that I have lashed out at him and I’m not proud of that. I don’t know what came over me as I’m not that type of person.... frustration and anger I suppose.

Thank you for replying. It really has helped me. I’m sorry your R didn’t work out.

Apparition, I suppose I have prioritised him as he is suicidal and as odd as it may seem, I don’t want him to end his life so I have to be strong enough to see him through this ordeal until he starts thinking more clearly. He has made progress and has put me first above everything else for the last few months. I am taking time just for me, having alone time away from all the stress and have had IC.

Apparition, I suppose I have prioritised him as he is suicidal and as odd as it may seem, I don’t want him to end his life so I have to be strong enough to see him through this ordeal until he starts thinking more clearly. He has made progress and has put me first above everything else for the last few months. I am taking time just for me, having alone time away from all the stress and have had IC.

You are very resilient. I did something similar in that WW had a death in the family right after I "knew". I had no evidence, but I was nevertheless 100% sure. So I prioritized her for many weeks. It was extremely damaging to me, but I had to be "strong". Its really unfair how many burdens are placed on betrayed spouses. I'm glad to hear you are taking time for you and I hope that realm of self care expands. Please remember, none of this is your doing, nor is any of it your responsibility. Whatever you choose to do is simply your true and good character exerting itself - but there is a price you're paying. Even if you are not aware of it now and the emotional bill will come do. Please be prepared, have your IC in place, have a growing space for you.

The hypervigilance is completely normal. It's called "hyper", but I look at the reasonable levels of research and transparency you've engaged in and I'd call it "reasonablevigilance". Be kind to yourself, everything you are going through is normal.