SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

AHG, indifference is the opposite of love. I think that's where you're at. Where you have become more compatible with your old marriage, she has become less compatible with you. Now you know that R will never give you a truly satisfying marriage FOR YOU. I'm thinking that is where your indifference comes from and IME, indifference very rarely ever turns back into love. If you met her today knowing what you know about it, it doesn't seem likely that she would get a second date much less a marriage out of you.

I feel guilty that I in a way facilitated her affair when I refused to change then after I decided to change I dropped her. She always wanted the new me and I believe she wouldn’t have stepped outside the marriage if the new me had come 3 years ago.

Forgive yourself for this. Trust me, I HAVE BEEN THERE. I have had this struggle and it was absolutely meaningless in my case. All it did was cause me pain while my XWBF went off and did those same hurtful things over and over again to new women. If your STBX re-marries to a guy like you, he better watch his back and be prepared to open his wallet.

I know from your previous posts that your STBX refused to meet you halfway. Someone who does not meet you halfway to solve a relationship problem DOES NOT deserve you bending over backwards to get them to come to the table. Being available and willing to hear her out was ENOUGH. It's her fault that she chose to get involved with a client over solving your likely fixable marriage problems. She was expecting you to be someone that you were not in regards to money and lifestyle. That's a HER problem, not a you problem. She knew this about you, chose to marry you, and chose to stay married to you without pushing the issue like she could have. The truth is you have no idea what she would have done or not had you done things differently because that would imply that you had control over her actions. You absolutely did not. You could have done everything right and she still would have chosen to cheat because the reason why she cheated has everything to do with her wanting you as her husband and OM as her boyfriend who lavished gifts and attention on her. OM could have been anyone who said the right things and he could have still seduced her even if your marriage was better but I'd say from your previous descriptions of it, she sure as shit did not SOUND like a neglected wife. Just a materialistic one who valued a fancy vacation and fancy things over the quality, stable marriage she had with you.

Wanting to feel like you have control over something you don't - it's a small comfort to know that if this ever happened again, you could do X and she (or new girlfriend) wouldn't do Y. That's why your brain keeps (erroneously) telling you over and over again that you could have changed things even though the reality of the situation isn't so certain. It would help you to push back against this guilt and to deeply explore why you believe it to be true. It might help to look at some of our prominent waywards on their forum and see what their reasons for cheating are. Not a single one is saying, "I cheated because my husband wouldn't do X, Y, or Z," as a real reason why. The ones who try get called out by others further along in their healing. That might be what they used to justify their affair to themselves but many of them can SEE that it was their responsibility to resolve X, Y, or Z without cheating. Even if it meant ending the marriage over it with their integrity intact. Your wife could have chosen to divorce you and marry a guy with deeper pockets if she really wanted to so why didn't she? Keep in mind - she wants you back. Why the hell would she want that knowing you'd go right back to being so terrible, neglectful, and incompatible with what she says she wants? Because it's not insurmountable to her now and it wasn't back then either. She simply chose to be selfish by getting to keep you and have OM on the side. She justified it to herself by over exaggerating your faults knowing it was shameful. If it wasn't for this, if you had been the one to be more fancy and spend more money, when OM came along, she'd justify it in some other way because what you do doesn't change the hole inside of her that she fills with external validation from other men. And the fact that all she's done is doubled down on aspects of her personality that didn't keep her from cheating in the first place means that she's not a safe partner for the next guy either.

Why you do you extend this faulty thinking to your STBX if not for some internal reason? Explore this. Figure it out. Find your peace with it because it goes a lot deeper than what you've said about it.

How you doing brother?

That’s what most people who come on here are doing, they’re losing their minds. They are hoping that someone on this forum can figure out a way for them to get back their own life which will never happen. They are begging for help here to not really know the truth of their lives. This is a remarkable place because it gives the most damaged person some hope that at the other end there really is light.

That is gorgeous.

AHGuy,

I'm new to this site. I've been reading your story and I feel sorry for what happened to you. Hope you are doing fine with your divorce proceedings.

I've just read the furnace incident and I believe it's the lowest of low! Even if she claims that they didn't have sex that day, which I don't believe by the way, that's where they did 80-90% of their encounters as she claimed from her timeline.

That's so disgusting! She was a willing participant in their text exchanges, mocking you for delivering her to him so he can show her how a man can satisfy a woman? It triggers me to the core! And that smiley face emoji reply from your wife says it all!

Your wife is no better! She urged you to travel to another state just to fix an AC knowing that particular place is where they do most of their sex adventures? WOW! It disgusts me!

[This message edited by beb252 at 5:18 AM, June 16th (Wednesday)]

I am so moved by your story that I can't get over it. I created a write up for you. If it's not appropriate feel free to remove.

To your STBXW:

It pains to admit that I am still in love with you after all the pain you caused me. I loved you with all my heart and I still do. I have always said that I am willing to take a bullet for you. It pains me to know that the incoming bullets were from you.

You should have been my primary defender yet you're my number one attacker. It pains me to know that you were enabling him to mock me right in front of you. Laughing with him through your text that I accidentally handed you over on a silver platter by repairing the place where you do most of your 'love making'.

It pains me that I was never in your mind during those 6 years that you wanted to be 'free'. I believe you wanted to be free from me.

Your tattoo, I was never in it. It was you and the three kids. And he claimed it. It now represents the number of times you made love with him. I was never in it.

Your decision to do LASIK, I was never in it. Yet he enabled you by paying for your surgery.

Your decision to report your attacker, I was never in it. Yet you told your lover about it.

Your car, I was never in it. Yet you allowed him to pay it for you.

It pains me to know that all the plans you did during those times, I was never in it.

You claimed that you never stopped loving me, but you knew all along during those years, I was never inside your mind. All the decisions you made, I was never in it.

In fact, your planning for your future, I was never in it.

You constantly talk with him about moving in together.

Travelling the world together, I was never in it.

All your future plans are with him, about him, about you, I was never in it.

You admitted had you never been caught, you would still be sleeping with him.

It pains me to know that the last person I expected to give me this hurt was in fact you! And it pains me to know that the pain inside me is unbearable, though I keep on moving forward for our family or what's left of it. I wish I can take the pain away. Rip out my heart so the pain will subside!

It pains me to know that I can't forget all those 'false memories' in my mind. Imagining all the things you're doing while you're with him. Imagining you doing it in a boat, in the cabin which you encouraged me to repair so you can continue your 'love' with him. It pains me to know that you made me deliver you to him and you laughed about it with him.

It pains me that you're still in my heart after all the hurt you've given me.

I don't know what the future brings. I wish I can forgive and forget. I really do! I wish I can accept the fact that the 'special bond' between you and me has already been broken. We were supposed to be each other's first and last, no in-betweens. Sadly, now that is not the case. Hopefully your future is bright, but I may not be in it!