As always. I’m all over the place with it . I didn’t tell anyone for 7 years. Then I told family. He had brain damage and attempted suicide. It was in public place. Over the top. I was ashamed. Terrified. Would it be murder suicide? You see why I was all over the place. It was horrific .
Once I told family , it lifted a great load off me. We could talk. I didn’t know how to fix this. Yet they were all in shock. Wondering how could I stay? I was embarrassed and ashamed. And scared.
After years of trying , we divorced. I still feel shame. Shame that his addiction became sooooo bad. Same for his serial cheating. I am familiar with divorce. I didn’t want the divorced life.
now I have shame for being divorced. At 62. Everyone sees it as hopeless. No future. So do I. He really destroyed our life . And nobody knows how to deal with this. I’m ashamed. I try to hide it. Fake it. I’m appearing to be better. People avoid me .
Being divorced is hard at 62. This is exactly why I tried so hard. Covid. 
it’s a thing. A real thing people feel sorry for me. It makes me feel ashamed.
Not to go on.... I’m making my point. This will be the fourth year I’ve spent alone. Everyday. Every holiday. I do try to change it. I make great efforts. Everyone is very uncomfortable. And avoidant. I feel ashamed. I’m not invited.
I’m learning to make do. Finding my hobbies. Working hard. Exercise. I’m hanging in there. Just wanted to voice the shame. It’s Me and many people around me. before and after and during all stages. It’s hard enough to deal with your own emotions. It’s worse when others see you as pathetic.
I hate him at times. Couldn’t he just have a regular affair ? Did he have to take everything so far? When I go to group therapy.... my story is always the worst. I’ve stopped telling it. I’ve stopped going to groups. Too much shame. They are shocked.
I know this is his issues. It’s not me. He’s done so many horrible things. Always over the top. Anyone would be ashamed. I hate being avoided . I’m the third wheel. People are very very uncomfortable. They feel bad that I’m alone. Things are just happier if they don’t have to look at me. And remember. It’s unfair to me again I’ve tried to talk about this to these people. It is the fourth year. It didn’t change anything. 
I’m getting over it. Alcohol is part of these functions. I’m good. I didn’t even mention half of what’s he’s done. It’s too much
I shouldn’t have to carry his shame. I can’t control how others feel. It’s a terrible story. I’m a trigger.
[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 11:18 PM, May 6th (Thursday)]
