SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've touched on this issue in older posts but I don't post VERY often so...tonight it seemed to really hit me.

When we were going through hysterical bonding after I found out about WH EA, we fell pregnant. Unfortunately, he passed away shortly after he was born. This was 2019 (a year after dday) We had another baby and he's here and healy. Lately I've just been struggling in general. Remote school with two big kids, financial stress, pandemic stress.... tonight we had a typical fight and I realized something. I feel like I'm trying so hard to hold on to this marriage for the kids (even though I'm pretty much miserable) but I always find myself thinking that had I just divorced him, we would have never gotten pregnant and we would have never lost that son. I feel like I'm trying to hold on to this marriage so that was not all for nothing. Suffering the loss of our son. I blame myself for it. I should have left after his A. And what messes with me so much is that we can have fun together when it's easy and stress free fun, we can have a blast..but the moment theres anything stressful, it blows up. I feel like I am suck in cement. I want to move, but I can't.

I'm so sorry about the son you lost... happy for the son you gained, but I don't expect anything really makes losing one okay.

And I think it's natural to second guess your 'stay or go' decision sometimes. What helped me was realizing that I'm completely free to change my mind. I stayed, but that doesn't mean I have to make it permanent. I can leave any time I want. I keep my divorce alternative ready to go. That sucker is in my back pocket at all times, ready to launch. Of course, it probably sounds like I'm not invested in what I'm doing, and I am... up to a point. And that point is the point at which I feel trapped. I'm NEVER going to feel trapped in this marriage again, never. I'm here because I CHOOSE to be here, today. I take full ownership of my choice and will continue to own my choice until I decide to make another.

My point is, that there's a certain amount of FREEDOM and power in the knowledge that YOU are in control of where you've chosen to plant your feet. You don't have to stay with your WH. If you want, you can leave him. It might be difficult logistically, but it IS within your power and purview. And when you start thinking of it from that standpoint, it can feel pretty damned good to be the queen, right?

I feel like I'm trying to hold on to this marriage so that was not all for nothing. Suffering the loss of our son. I blame myself for it. I should have left after his A.

I am so sorry for your loss. Have you ever joined a grief counseling group? I ask as an outsider but from what I understand, these are some common questions based around 'what if's' that they deal with directly. If you had made a different choice the outcomes would be different for their would be less suffering etc.

This was a major loss at a time you weren't in a solid place. The entire 'unsettled' nature of reconciling on top of everything else is a lot to handle on top of that.

Take care of yourself.

First I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine the layers of trauma that adds to an already traumatic event.

I can say speaking for myself I have the same moments of second guessing my decision. I get upset with myself and then lash out to my W, she is doing everything right in our R at this point. It’s just a crazy roller coaster ride with many ups and downs. Two days ago I was telling her I wish I had D her, then last night we had an awesome date night, we really enjoyed each other. I told her early in R, buckle up this will be a wild journey. I wish you the best

Thank you for the kind words guys. And sorry for the late response. Like I said...I don't get on often.

I do think realizing I have control would help. But it the effe duo situation I'm in, I don't feel it. I avoid talking about the A often because it makes him uncomfortable.

There really weren't resources around that were free so any type of counseling bwasnt an option because (just another smack in the face) we both maxed the credit cards we had for marriage counseling after the A. I find the walls closing in around me. I've done a slight 180 on him because I'm running out of "give a damn" and let me tell you....he is not a fan of it. How surprising