we lost something very special and it is likely gone forever
Accepting the change is key in my mind.
I can see this.
You never get out of worry and anxiousness and hurt when in R.
This is what I dread.
I think my W is extremely unlikely to betray me again, and I think she's much less likely to betray me than any new person I meet.
I feel the same way, but can i trust my judgement? I'm still trying o work that one out.
To heal, each of has to figure out the thought patterns that work for for us as individuals.
Daddydom, may I take this opportunity to thank you for the time you have invested in writing some of the healing scripts you have written over the years. I found them incredibly useful in the early stages post dday. I used them as a point of reference and they just helped me navigate my way through the pain.
At that point, they are sad for themselves without a greater sense of empathy for others, and they often view their sadness through the eyes of a victim rather than taking ownership of their part in the outcomes.
This was very prevalent in the way my WS has behaved.
That wasn't the question I asked myself. I asked what it was that I wanted MY life to be . I literally wrote down EVERYTHING I wanted in life! Then I tweaked the list a bit and narrowed it down to something that was what I would want my life to BE. I wanted a happy and healthy marriage with a loving and faithful spouse . I then told my H what I wanted. I told him IF he wanted this too...GREAT! If not...I was finding someone who would!! My H totally agreed that this was what HE wanted too...so we set out making OUR life to be this way . It has honestly turned out to be BETTER than either of us ever dreamed it could be .
This is a great exercise to do and maybe I should write it down instead of just thinking about it in my head.I love your positive stories and am very happy it has worked out for you and your husband. You seem to have learnt from this experience and grown together during your growth out of infidelity.
I think you may have misunderstood my post. I am actually the betrayed spouse.
No one was significant at the time apart from himself and that is something he needs to deal with and heal from. I know he feels a great deal of pain over this.
I recognise this as the truth.
I don’t know if this helps or not but I honestly believe successful reconciliation (alongside authentic remorse from your WS) truly comes from really looking at you and what makes you happy and accepting that and it also helps you let go of any shame you feel for staying with a cheater which I feel prevents so many BS moving forward.
This is what i am working on at the moment. I think my progress is hindered by my WS who still exercises considerable selfish behaviour, but it would n=be unfair of me to say he isn't trying to make amends. I think I just need to recognise more of these changes consistently to reinforce to myself that our future is worth the investment.
The trust has to be rebuilt.
I think this is very significant for me. The lack of trust within our relationship which is there on many levels. I don't think he is cheating on me. But I do not think he has done sufficient work to protect him/us from it happening again at some point in the future. I concede that risk also lies with anyone. However the lack of honesty my WS has recently displayed over very general things has tripped something in me a few weeks ago, which has put me in a state of hypertension, that is what prompted this thread. I have been prescribed blood pressure tablets and my blood pressure is coming down.
Blind trust/naivete/innocence is lost
^^^ Yes this ^^^
But I don't have that deep assumed respect I had before. It always has a conditional background noise behind it.
So it's a lack of "trust falls" type of trust, a lack of overall pride in the relationship and a lack of profound respect. They're not going to return to being a person you admire implicitly, without reservation.
I can relate to this Thumos.
It seems to me that the questions you have are probably not being answered by your husband. Have you asked him? Does he ever bring up the affair or volunteer? Do you discuss what each of you want out of the relationship moving forward?
This is a significant part of it. No he never volunteers to discuss the affair or bring it up. He avoids programs with it in. We have discussed what we want out of the relationship, written it down and even discussed it in counselling, but we never seem to make it priority. Covid hasn't helped and I can see how easily we slip into our negative cycles that probably existed pre A.
Being open, more vulnerable towards each other, being more aware of our own needs and the needs of the other. Showing consistency and proving to one another that we are worth fighting for.
This is another area we struggle on.
But, I also know that life is very short. If R can not meet the high expectations by showing one another consistency, growth, that we have reflected deeply on ourselves and what we have done to one another - then settling isn't on the menu either. I understand not everyone can get a divorce tomorrow, but if that's the better choice then set you mind on that and work consistently until you can get there.
This is a recurring thought of mine. I will keep doing the work to get myself emotionally and physically strong and trust the process will show me if I have outgrown my relationship with my WS. It has to be better than this to be worth saving.
Maybe you are having a bad day, or maybe your spouse has shown no growth or given you any reason to engage and try. These are answers you have to give to yourself. I can only tell you are worth it and deserve to have everything you want in a relationship. Even more so, you deserve to love yourself and create the life you want and sometimes that means not being in a relationship at all.
Bad day yes, being diagnosed with extremely high blood pressure felt like a slap in the face and a wake up call for me to make changes . But there is still something which keeps holding me back. I don't know what it is or why. Which is why I think it is all part of the process. I'm not scared of being on my own. I have put aside funds and budgeted to see how I would survive. I am taking active steps to build my business to ensure a decent sale proceed when I retire 7-10 years from now. I have my own credit card and bank account now. So I have set up an exit plan and for a while I felt empowered by that. But this last year has been hard. My oldest left for uni, covid, menapause. Sometimes I struggled to keep it all together. I went to the doctors for HRT which is when I was told about my blood pressure, so HRT couldn't be prescribed. LIFE!!
I thank you for taking the time to reply. I appreciate you have been going through a tough time too and I wish you the best of luck in your travels in the RV. Have you sold your house yet?
#Shokt. Thankyou for your positive story. I wish you and your husband well.
I find myself struggling with this as the expectation -- because for me, I expect extra. I expect more. If I'm signing up for R, shouldn't what I get as an outcome be actually "stronger, better" than the normal marriage I had before?
Thumos I agree, I expect more and maybe that's my failing. My counsellor told me to be who I wanted to be with, in the relationship. Then I know I have tried everything. I want to see my WS put himself out, go above and beyond for me - not him! To be actively involved in our life, organising nights out, days out etc for us, not just his dad's quiz night and golfing day's. But maybe that is the problem.
Well I best retire its 3.46am in the UK and I will need to get up for work at 7!!