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The anger, grief, fear, and shame that come from being betrayed may go away on their own, but they may fester and grow if not attended to and worked with. What have you done to heal yourself? (Honest question)

I have had sessions of IC as needed, I have taken time to get back into things that I enjoy, anything from movies to music to getting outdoors more. I would say that the anger and fear are still there.

Anger - I am still angry that this happened at all. I am angry at the things I found and the things she said to POSOM. I am angry that she tried to defend herself by saying " we didn't just talk dirty, we talked about everyday things" as if that should make up for what she did.

Fear - I am occasionally fearful that it will happen again. I am more fearful of what would be ahead if I pull the plug. I am fearful that I am wasting my time. I am also fearful of "what if" this current feeling is just another stage in healing for me?

Are you sure about that? Perhaps you have found your path, but you are having trouble accepting it? Ending a M is rarely easy. You seem to be struggling with the decision, which is normal.

The episode you described where your WW attacked (yes that is the right word for it) you over the schedule conflict, is this a common occurrence? She very clearly overreacted.

It is not common. We actually rarely have issues like that. Early in our marriage we would have popped off, left the room and revisited it later. As the years went by we both took paths of letting cooler heads prevail and discussing it when we've calmed down. Even then, true disagreements were few and far between.

Right now, lost is the only way I can describe it. I still don't know if R is working. W has done a LOT of work and I mean that. Have there been hiccups along the way? Yes. Have they been insurmountable? Not at all. Maybe what they have done is just worn me out (even thought there has literally been nothing for quite some time). Or the process has worn me out....or I'm just not a R candidate even though W is doing what needs to be done... I know I don't trust her 100%. Hell, I don't know if I trust her 80% regardless of what she has done to fix things. I'm rambling now, but this is why I really do feel lost.

There are no guarantees in any R attempt

[This message edited by Marz at 8:09 AM, July 17th (Saturday)]

The most recent, which was last Sunday - W got angry with me because I mistakenly made plans that clashed with a family gathering. The gathering was not written on our schedule and I had completely forgotten about it. I canceled my plans and thought that was it. W didn't talk to me the rest of the night and next morning. I came home with our son and she was all "yeah". "no". so I said " what'd I do now? " Well, she lit me up about how inconsiderate it was and how I hadn't even apologized for making plans. My response was that there was nothing about it on the schedule and that I had canceled my plans.

Maybe you’re just not compatible and you’re tired of taking her shit.

It is your life too. Isn’t it? You do have a choice.

[This message edited by Marz at 8:21 AM, July 17th (Saturday)]

Maybe you’re just not compatible and you’re tired of taking her shit.

It is your life too. Isn’t it? You do have a choice

To the point as always Marz. Thank You.

You may be right and I just may not have come to grips with that or figured it out for myself.

Have you ever gone back and read through your old threads? It may clue you in on why you still don't trust your WW.

Have you ever gone back and read through your old threads? It may clue you in on why you still don't trust your WW

Many times.

Don't get me wrong, I completely understand why I will never have the same trust level again. It is also the reason I'll likely never date again if I decide to D.

My current situation wasn't brought on by anything. She didn't do anything wrong. She has done a lot of work to try to heal the M.

This was brought on by just a sudden feeling that I didn't want to be in the marriage anymore. There wasn't a trigger to it. If I had to compare it to anything, I'd say it probably feels like a balloon feels when it deflates. There's no longer any pressure.

I tried not to think about it much over the weekend, but as we all know it still sneaks in. I feel that D is going to be the end game and that makes me sad. Yeah, she screwed up and betrayed the M and me, but we tried to fix it and in spite of that, here I am.

This may be an oddball thought since I never had a real R, but where you are at, with the work she seems to have done, it appears you could remain friendly after a D? I don't really know but it's just a thought. This isn't a lying cheater any longer you need to protect yourself from and if the get to a point where you feel solid on divorcing you have the option of remaining friendly. Maybe if you decide to D you can find comfort in that, assuming of course she feels the same when and if the time comes.

She has done a lot of work to try to heal the M.

Did any of her work involve going to IC and digging deep into why she cheated and how she can avoid doing it again?

This may be an oddball thought since I never had a real R, but where you are at, with the work she seems to have done, it appears you could remain friendly after a D?

I honestly don't have an answer to that. My last long term relationship ended a few months after getting engaged. When that happened, I harbored a lot of mistrust and anger toward my exgf. If I ran into her now, I'd be fine, and I am happy that my friends told me down the road that she met a nice guy, married and had a son. She was a good woman but at the time we dated was battling the aftermath of a abusive relationship.

This is different. I would likely try to remain as friendly as possible because she is the mother of my children, but that would be where it ends. On her end I could see it being more volatile, but I would hope to be wrong.

Did any of her work involve going to IC and digging deep into why she cheated and how she can avoid doing it again?

From what she has told me, they discussed all aspects of why and how. I feel from what she told me that the counselor harped on some sort of abuse where there was none. The only thing I think she really got from IC to this point was the realization that she endangered her family and betrayed her marriage. I told her that for free.