SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your marriage is dead. It is over. You can D or try R, but your marriage is quite likely dead either way. The sooner you come to grips with that, the better for you. For some the choice is immediate and clear. Others struggle with it sometimes for years and years without clear resolution. I am one of those. There can be reasons you trod on carrying the corpse of the marriage on your back. Kids. That was it for me. D seemed to mean more upheaval, drama, and uncertainty than I wanted to put everyone through. Plus, like you, I was super-confused by the lies and then a lot of gaslighting. Nothing in my 42 years of experience up until that time had prepared me for the seeming unreality of it all. And I did not realize the marriage was dead for a good long time, but then I did and accepted it. It was hell. 9 years on I can say that matter of factly as an observation and not as an anguished cry like it was for first several of those years. Annb and others here have it right. Nude pics from a couple days ago is just skimming the surface. It is awful beyond what you seem at the moment to grasp. If you drink, be very careful with that. Try to stay away from it altogether until you fully understand what has taken place and have definitively resolved on your direction forward.

[This message edited by Rufus at 12:33 AM, June 8th (Tuesday)]

Adults that sneak around do so to have sex.

Adults in an EA that have constant physical access to each other are not in an EA. They're in a PA.

She's likely had more sex with him over the 4 years than you and her have had in total.

This has become so commonplace for them that now he's flirting right in front of you and she's sexting from the shower while you're there. They're always carrying on, so why not when you're around.

Many from this site would say that 100% of all those "holes" in her story where she disappeared were sexual events. Just think about how many there were when you couldn't tell.

And that episode where you left and she stayed behind is the clincher.

Decide what you want to do. Any possibility of R at this time is sketchy. She's still really into him and doesn't seem to care what you think. She's angry you're trying to take away her sex toy.

Please, get in touch with GF now. She probably has a pile of suspicions as well. And, unless that whole thing is open, she's living the lie as well.

Tell her that you have scheduled something for her that will go a long way to improving your marriage... a polygraph session

You already know the truth, but seeing her reaction will let you know beyond doubt.

Good luck, stay strong, and you will get through this

I'm sorry for you having to find yourself here. Others have already been telling you what you need hear. Sadly this is only going to get worse for a time, especially the more you find out.

My WW out of the blue for a short time was texting me semi-nudes of herself which at the time I thought was great. After D-Day even though those pics were long gone I realized that although they were sent to me there was little chance I was the only one they were sent to, and probably not the one she actually did them for. What you've found so far is only going to be the tip of the iceberg. This isn't your fault regardless of what you tell yourself, or what she might say, even if she just implies it. Take care of yourself and remember there's lots of people here more than willing to help you get through this.

he said she's never actually cheated. Never kisses or done anything physical, just sent pics.

I'm sorry, forest for the trees moment here. In what universe is it okay for a wife to send naked pictures of herself to another man or a husband naked pictures of himself to another woman? Committed married people that respect each other just don't do this.

This behavior isn't "just" anything. Sexting is not something to ignore-- it's infidelity. This is cheating. Say it again. Is this something you'd do? No? Why is that? Of course, because you have respect and love for your partner. Can you say the same for her? There is nothing about her actions OR her explanations that is respectful or loving.

I say this on TOP of her other behaviors and actions that seem incredibly sketchy in retrospect. I wouldn't belittle a person in pain for any reason, but I will say-- you're on the back foot on this. Something has been going on. I'm not sure of it, I'm not sure of anything, but it really seems likely based on standard actions taken by cheating partners that was see on this website constantly.

-- Hiding the Phone, deleting messages

-- Significant texting to one number (his)

--"Flirty banter" with a co-worker (really? That was okay with you?)

-- Unexplained absences, nights out drinking with co-workers, where you aren't invited

-- Sexting, Texting at odd hours

Seems like she's checking a lot of these boxes. You are asking what to do. Don't feel like you are in a race to make a decision yet. Find out more about this guy. Who is he with? Is he married? Does his partner know he sends nude pictures to married women? Perhaps she should? Have you taken a deep forensic dive into the phone records yet? How many times does she text Mr. Brown a day? If it's an unusually high number, you have a problem, even if they never did anything physical. Have you tried recovering deleted messages? There is message recovery software out there you could try. Have you looked on her computer for discrete texting apps, like Whatsapp or Snapchat?

Try to find more evidence before you make ANY decision. You need to know how bad it is and inform any decision you make with facts, not just emotions. I strongly suspect at least an emotional affair, but realistically I don't know what proof there may be. Just a lot of circumstantial evidence. Be more sure of the facts before you commit to a course of action.

I wish you the best. You deserve to be happy, too.

When the two people in the A have access to one another in person, it is not going to be an emotional affair...it will go physical instantly.

You need to get rational and calm real quick...devise a plan to find out what you need to know to make your decision. Set hard lines for "if I find X, I will do Y"...and stick to them. waffling is emotional pain that never ends.

Make the call, find what you need to find, and do what you must to regain control of your life.

Lets begin with one very clear statement:

What she has done and what you already know she has done is infidelity. It’s cheating.

There is no minimizing allowed as in “it’s only sexting” or “it only happened once”. It’s cheating.

I have yet to hear any poster here on JFO ever say something along the lines of “Thankfully my wife only sexted” or “At least it was only oral” or whatever. Cheating is cheating. The extent… well… it impacts mainly what we might want to do and the difficulty in getting there.

I don’t know if they have limited this to sending nudes, did it once or have been going at it like rabbits for the past year. Right now it’s not really an issue. The issue is that she is cheating. That’s it. Part of the process of working through her infidelity might be getting the truth. I say “might” because it’s really only truly relevant if you two decide to reconcile. If you think infidelity is a total deal-breaker and/or if she doesn’t commit to the marriage then the truth becomes nice-to-have, but not necessary.

Him leaving the job wont end it. She is not sexting with him because of his sales-skills, accounting ability or his cute cubicle. Heck… even IF it ends with this guy then if not dealt with the stats and odds indicate she will cheat again. Be it with shower-guy or with the cute new customer or the guy in the stock-room or whatever.

No – I am NOT stating she’s a lost cause or a serial-cheater. But I am making the very clear statement that infidelity isn’t… normal… and that there is some reason she felt it OK to cross that border. She needs to find out WHY she felt she was entitled to her affair and to deal with whatever that was before she is “safe”. And no – the reasons are never outside of her, she didn’t cheat because you didn’t show her attention, the marriage stale or whatever. It’s ALWAYS internal.

We can give you what might sound like a step-by-step guide for your next steps…

We have seen what gives results and what won’t work. You have already been told to file… I don’t think it’s necessary to go that far if you have some hopes of reconciling, but it is 100% necessary for you to be clear on what sort of marriage you want, and to accept that if your wife isn’t willing to offer that sort of marriage then divorce is inevitable.

Right now your goal shouldn’t be D or R, but simply to get out of infidelity. The two options will then define what path you take to get out of infidelity.

If you post again we can guide you, but frankly I don’t feel like posting if you have already left us. I know the advice offered can sound radical, but have the dialogue with us to better understand what you are facing.

Finally: One free tip: You definitely need to tell his girlfriend. Do this without any warning or talk to your wife. Its simply “Hey GF: I think you need to known that my wife and your BF have been sexting and I have seen nude photos of both him and her that they have been sharing”.

Although many will argue you have a moral responsibility to the GF the clearer and better factor for YOU is that this shows the OM you know, puts him on his guard, in 9/10 instances they drop the affair partner (nothing kills the buzz faster than rejection…), shows your WW you are serious…

The second they started flirty texts, it was cheating. When it escalated to sending nude pics, it was cheating. When she stayed behind to do whatever with whomever, she was likely cheating. When she wasn't where she said she was going to be and her friend had no idea where she was, she was cheating. Do with it what you will, but everyone who has already responded is correct. This is, was, and will continue to be cheating.

There is nothing more vile and disgusting than the actions of a freshly caught unrepentant cheater. An asshole wayward is more of an impediment to R than the actual affair. Move on.

Hey @Costanza80 Hope you are doing ok. So sorry for what you have discovered and possibly the length it may have been going on.

I know it's been 10 days since you post. I wanted to just see how you are doing and if you found out anything additional or was finally able to get your spouse to come clean on everything. Best of luck! Look forward to a update.