Sky706 (original poster new member #78946) posted at 12:41 AM on Monday, June 14th, 2021
Me and wife married for 15 years. We had supported each other during our difficult times so had mutual respect and great love. Life's been good. I'm an engineer and she is a dentist. Our first son was diagnosed with adhd and since then life has been chaotic. Everything seems to be falling in place , then I lost my job due to internal politics at office. While I was searching for job , our third was born. After few months , second one at 4 years was diagnosed with autism. That was a shock for both of us. Then I decided not to work and took him to my home country ( we are settled in dubai). Gave him speech and occupational therapy for a year and he became verbal. Came back to dubai but he had behavioral issues and we were focused on getting him best treatment. As aba is not great in dubai, and Autism being a lifelong issue, I decided to study behavioral therapy in US, I came to US in 2019. My son joined me in 2021 and he's attending school and starting his therapy. In 2017 when I came back from home country back to dubai, felt there was a distance between us. She is hardworking and one of top performer so always very tired due to work. I was with my son 24/7 and was exhausted and worried about his future.we had frequent fights but had the respect for each other. She has short temper resulting in throwing things, violent outbursts. She only encouraged to go to US and study. I was supposed to go for vacation in March 2020 but covid delayed it to july9. I reached dubai and everything was OK. Next day she said I'm a
like God to her and she is my devotee and devotees worship God but won't have sex with them. It made me think but I left it soon. On July 24, I saw her whatsapp messages to her ex colleague who left for Canada in June 2020. It was just hi hello but 6 msg in 5 hrs without a reply. I had doubt. I connected her account to desktop and monitored next day. They were chatting and she said her life is a mess and gave kisses. I asked her next morning, showed her messages. She said during his last days she saw a dream that he hugged her. She said to him .they were friends. After she said dream, he started calling her continously for a drive. Then finally in a chat he said I love u and she said same. Next day she took her alloted 3 hrs break and went to a hilltop for drive. They went there holding hands, kissed and she said she did oral sex for couple of minutes. But did not complete and they came back and then saw him once after 15 days and that's it. But messaged after he went to Canada. I said I forgive her.she said she stopped with AP. Then I made a fake account in his name and chat with her. Her messages indicated that she will always love him and had equal love for him. I asked her why she chat again when she promised that she will inform me if he contacts. She sent a message to him saying it's over telling I'm with her and asked sorry to him. But something was fishy. I tracked their whatsapp numbers and he was online when she was awake or according to her schedule. She has alternating shifts. I asked her but she dismisses that. It's been a year but I can't forget the incident and can't forgive. I still track whatsapp and both of them are online similar time. Hes online and then after he's offline she's online. So I doubt she has second whatsapp on a second phone. She says he has friends in clinic but his activity closely matches her. When he's online she's missing even if I message. She shows no remorse and only when I say about incident she will say sorry.the relationship is very bad now. I had therapy but I can't imagine why she did this when I was in US and she had 3 kids 2 being special. The AP she says is a flirt and always told me that she avoids him. She says he was caring towards her , came with her to Dr when she had chest pain and because of such incidents she felt close.He manipulated her and she was stupid to go for the drive.thats was just one day. I'm confused whether someone will initiate ( she did ) oral on first date and on way back he offered to buy a phone. Next day as seen from her message , he said they can be good friends but she said she don't need just friendship. I got from her phone. I'm convinced they are chatting but denies it and ask me for proof. Now I may work in US for few years. She says she won't leave her job as she is passionate about it and don't want to sit idle in US. she is accusing me of harassing and torturing her with asking questions. We are not talking each other. Don't know whether her story is true?
Papercoversrock ( member #50538) posted at 1:12 AM on Monday, June 14th, 2021
You are in the right place for some good advice. Check out the “Healing Library” links and some of the resources there.
Take care of yourself, make sure to eat and drink. Your feelings are normal and you didn’t do anything wrong.
Helping Couples Heal podcast is good in describing the immense pain that betrayal causes.
It your wife really cares about you she will come to understand this and honestly tell you everything you want to know. BUT, it may take a while and she may never get to that point so read about the 180 to give yourself the strength you’ll need for your kids.
The proof you already have is enough to divorce her so consider contacting a lawyer to find out the next steps and how they would affect your care for your children.
Praying for you and your kids . . . Ok, and your wife too.
Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 11:58 AM on Monday, June 14th, 2021
You are correct to take her relationship with the OM as a threat to your marriage.
Is the OM married?
The OM has become a wedge between you two. The attention she gives the OM should be directed to her husband.
Since she allowed their friendship to become sexual and flirty the consequence for her is 100% no contact (including never working together again, no texting, no facebook, zero contact).
She must choose between her marriage vs the OM.
Zero contact is non negotiable. She must believe (bluff if you have to) that you will divorce rather than tolerate any further contact.
No spouse (especially after 14 years) can compete with the attraction/high offered by a man that hasn't been in the daily grind with her. Every smile, every gesture/word or thought from the OM is 1,000 times more special/powerful to her than yours.
You both should read: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass.
Her book is based on a study of couples (good people) that experienced infidelity. How and why it happened - and what can be done to protect a marriage from infidelity.
[This message edited by Robert22205https at 5:59 AM, June 14th (Monday)]
Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 12:04 PM on Monday, June 14th, 2021
If you have proof she lied and continued contact with the OM, then you should inform her that since she can't be trusted you at any time may require her to take a polygraph test.
The prospect of a polygraph tends to discourage
further contact behind your back.
[This message edited by Robert22205https at 6:05 AM, June 14th (Monday)]
Marz ( member #60895) posted at 4:18 PM on Monday, June 14th, 2021
You wife is just sorry she go caught. Not reconciliation material.
You want to go through this again.?
[This message edited by Marz at 10:18 AM, June 14th (Monday)]
ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 3:54 AM on Thursday, June 17th, 2021
My twins, from my previous marriage with my XWW are high functioning autists; I sympathize, it’s not easy.
The advice you get here is from personal experience and by reading hundreds of stories.
Waywards will only admit the minimum; it’s very likely there’s more to story.
If you ever want to R, your WW will have to take responsibility for her actions and decisions. She will need to show remorse for hurting you and your family. She will also have to tell you the whole story, go NC and quit her job. Anything less and you’ll be living in infidelity.
You should definitely talk to a lawyer and know what to expect. Unless she does the above, your best path forward is to start the D process. If she becomes a good R candidate along the way, you can stop the proceedings and reevaluate.
From my experience, caring for autistic children will take a lot of energy and you can’t deal with a WW on top of that unless she’s fully committed to you and the marriage. I tried. It didn’t work.
Talk to a lawyer. Get tested for STDs. Post often. Stay strong. None of this is your fault.
[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 9:55 PM, June 16th (Wednesday)]
I plan on living forever. So far so good
Talisman ( member #75398) posted at 11:41 AM on Saturday, June 19th, 2021
Do you mind saying what your home country is? Also is your wife from the same country? What about the AP, is he from the same country too?
Sky706 (original poster new member #78946) posted at 9:22 PM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021
@Robert22205https OM is in Canada. according to WS the whole thing happened just before he migrated to Canada. WS says she is not in contact but her behavior indicates they are in contact. I'm in US now and will go home to dubai for 2 weeks in July.so they are not working together.
WS thinks that we should move forward and when I meet in July she is sure to lovebomb me. I am planning to tell her that we need to sort this out before we can start normal relationship. I would need timeline of their affair as I don't think it's a short term affair and they went physical in their first meeting. I am also going to tell her after I hear her version that I am going to take her for a polygraph test. If its proven that she has spoken truth then we can reconcile.
I am not going to have sex during the 14 days of my trip to home.Althougb it will be difficult, I think it's needed to send her the message.
[This message edited by Sky706 at 3:30 PM, June 20th (Sunday)]
Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 10:11 PM on Sunday, June 20th, 2021
When was their first kiss?
Is your wife begging you for a second chance?
Is she terrified that you will divorce her?
Is she offering to do whatever it takes for a second chance?
Has she agreed to the timeline (every kiss or caress, each meeting alone even for coffee, including their conversation topics and how she felt before, during and after each contact/conversation) and polygraph?
IMO, she should provide the timeline within a week (not negotiable prior to your return). Then you can prepare your questions and schedule a polygraph.
If it's not available locally, she may have to travel to the US to take a polygraph.
It's very important that she understand that the truth may make it difficult to R - but withholding information will guarantee divorce. Even if the truth is revealed by polygraph a year from now.
Here's another book that your wife needs to read:
"How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful"
by Linda J. MacDonal
[This message edited by Robert22205https at 4:13 PM, June 20th (Sunday)]
Sky706 (original poster new member #78946) posted at 12:25 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021
Robert22205https They were working together for 2+ years. WS always talked bad or OM saying he's a flirt and so she keeps a distance. After the D day she said he cared when she was not well and as I was not in town she took his support. WS says the whole thing started April 2020 last week , OM last week at job. It just happened and they went for a drive .They had first kiss and bit of oral sex. I had asked a timeline then. WS gave me a 13 page timeline but it has only th3 details whatever she said to me. Just one date. I have asked her exactly what they discussed but she has always said she do not remember.
WS says everyone makes mistake and she recently said she has not done a big crime , bigger incidents happen in others life. This is a small incident. I'm just unnecessarily hanging on to it. WS says she needs space and I'm torturing her always by not moving forward. She is afraid of divorce only because she cannot manage 3 kids and she knows kids are very close to me. Anf of course what society will see especially at her work. Whenever I talk about affair, she says don't doubt me.i think they had a long affair and had more than one meeting.im going to ask her for a timeline ,once again linked with polygraph. I'm going to take her phone as she will be at home for 10 days (public holidays of eid). I'll see how she reacts to these demands.
[This message edited by Sky706 at 6:37 PM, June 20th (Sunday)]
masti ( member #54237) posted at 12:54 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021
As per the UAE law the punishment includes an imprisonment up to one- and three-years imprisonment and deportation
Sky706 are you expats working there or citizens? Dubai has strict laws for adultery so she must be really worried that you found out. That fear might help in your search for the truth.
guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 12:58 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021
She is a typical cheater. She ticked every box in the cheater's handbook; lying, denying, minimizing, blameshifting etc.
You've been physically away from your WW since 2017 mostly, right? And even though they have been working together for 2+ years, they had a PA only just before he left for Canada. Not impossible but it doesn't seem realistic at all, especially considering that the distance between you was widened a long time ago. The fact that she says she doesn't remember anything and sees your questions as torture are huge red flags.
You have to insist on the polygraph test.
Sky706 (original poster new member #78946) posted at 3:11 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021
@masti we are expats.if its known to her colleagues she will lose job. I really don't want that to happen.
Sky706 (original poster new member #78946) posted at 3:14 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021
@guvensiz I have given a lot to this relationship. Seeing her behavior I can't trust her although she says it was one time and she has to revealed all. She has blamed me and family for the affair. So I'll decide after polygraph test. That will bring a closure to this..
guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 4:10 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021
She stabs you in the back while you fight for your kids and you are still the bad man. Don't buy her bullshit.
What are her grounds for the blame? And I don't understand the family part? Is she blaming your family?
Regardless, the A is %100 on her. Which problem's solution in marriage is another man's penis? She could talk about her problems instead of calling you a god. All the WS's talk about how terrible their BSs and marriages are, but for some reason they never want a divorce when they're caught cheating.
Maintain this determination to know the whole truth.
Marz ( member #60895) posted at 7:17 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021
I have given a lot to this relationship. Seeing her behavior I can't trust her although she says it was one time and she has to revealed all. She has blamed me and family for the affair. So I'll decide after polygraph test. That will bring a closure to this..
She’s blame shifting.
Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.
All cheaters lie a lot. A LOT!!!!
Under these circumstances she’s not R material.
Marz ( member #60895) posted at 7:17 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021
[This message edited by Marz at 6:54 AM, June 21st (Monday)]
Marz ( member #60895) posted at 7:17 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021
[This message edited by Marz at 1:18 AM, June 21st (Monday)]
Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 11:59 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021
My initial reaction is your wife's response is it was/is a typical cheater response. FYI: there is nothing special or unique about your wife's affair.
In fact, if there was a text book, then her affair (every step of the way, including motive and suddenly escalating) is text book.
BTY: Studies of adultery show that the kiss was the last step (intimate emotional boundary reserved for a loved one) that once crossed led to intercourse. You have every right to assume that they either went further or didn't because someone interrupted them.
Therefore, your wife has completed all the emotional/mental steps associated with adultery. IMO, she is an adulterer and needs serious therapy to save her marriage.
Your wife (like every cheater) minimizes their behavior, blame shifts, and rugsweeps (lets move on). She's failing to appropriately process her affair (acting like this) because she believes it's her best option if she wants to stay married.
Unfortunately, failure to appropriate process her affair: 1 - makes her at high risk to repeat; and 2 - undermines her ability to rebuild your trust (key to you remaining married to her).
Remind her that based on her behavior with the OM she is no longer trustworthy; nor can you accept any of her promises. She must instead prove she's a safe life partner by taking the steps you've outlines plus additional therapy (all non negotiable).
[This message edited by Robert22205https at 6:00 AM, June 21st (Monday)]
Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 1:10 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021
How many years have you and your wife been in a long distance marriage?
Is my understanding correct that:
- they worked together for 2 years while you were out of the country?
- that when you visited your wife in 2017 (while they were working together) that she was distant and refused sex
- after the AP moved to another country (June 2020) you discovered current WhatsApp text evidence of recent inappropriate behavior (I love you, kiss imoji)
- after confronting about the texts she then confessed to giving him a blow job and a kiss (on their 3 hour break) just days before he left the country. And insisted that the kiss & BJ was their only intimacy.
- you immediately 'forgave' her. She immediately then refuses to discuss it anymore and now says she's the victim of your distrust & constant questions.
- you have proof that they are still texting. In the form of they are repeatedly both online at the same time - but she insists it's a coincidence and there's no contact.
[This message edited by Robert22205https at 7:48 AM, June 21st (Monday)]