SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Found this article on bdsm fetishes and cheating and thought it would be interesting to those who had been in the same boat as I was on DDay.

A Survey Reveals That 63% of BDSM Enthusiasts Have Cheated in a Committed Relationship With a BDSM Partner

[This message edited by Happenedtome2 at 8:58 PM, Monday, August 16th]

I'd love to see their actual basic source material for that. Most BDSM participants I know do not welcome cheaters. The communities generally aren't very accepting of it.

Random people cheating? Sure. It's no different than one partner wanting any kind of sex act they think the other partner is into. So I don't really see the differences here with BDSM. A cheater is a cheater is a cheater.

People involved in kink are no more likely to be cheaters than anyone else. In my opinion based on years in the lifestyle, they're less likely.

[This message edited by PSTI at 6:16 PM, August 14th (Saturday)]

Just a guess the study may have been limited to those with spouses who don't like or disapprove of the fetish, or have never been told.

Mmmmm yeah. My sample size of my own marriage says naw.

I never cheated and my vanilla ex who thought he was a freak sure did . . .

This doesn't shock me at all.

How many people wait forever to spring their fetishes their SO? And then it turns out the SO isn't into it. Cheating ensues to get that itch scratched.

I dont believe that having a kink or fetish in any way indicates a proclivity towards cheating.

Unless that kink is cheating. Then you have got a problem.

When reading surveys its always a good idea to check the methodology, who is doing the survey and what group is surveyed.
A survey done by a BDSM dating app / site amongst it’s members… I don’t place much value in that.
If any conclusion can be drawn from this survey it’s that 58% cheated because of poor communications and 30% due to lack of self-control. Probably comparable stats to us plain old "non-spanking" cheaters.

Unless that kink is cheating. Then you have got a problem.

I think this was my exWS's kink. He loved triangulation.

My ex serial cheater did have his fetishes and I was not enthusiastic with any of it which he internalized as not being good enough and I got turned off to sex. Great combo

Hate to break it to those "in the lifestyle", but some of you aren't being told that your partners are cheating. As many a wise person here has said "cheaters are lying liars who lie".

My "sample size" is my W who met POSOM online througb a fetish post. He knew she was married and to my knowledge so did my W. It never became physical because I caught it.

I posted the article because it is INTERESTING to myself and probably to those who were in the same boat where their WS hid their fetishes or in some other way were victims of cheating spouses who were following fetishes. There are more of us here than some think based on the PM's I've received over the past 3 years.

See, here's my thing. A kinky spouse using a fetish as an excuse/reason to cheat is just about exactly as full of shit as my ex who told me that he made out with some chick at a bar while I was on maternity leave nursing our son because my "stretch marks are not very sexy," or my ex-coworker who cheated on his wife with another coworker because he likes creamy peanut butter and she only buys crunchy and GOD doesn't that just obviously show she doesn't appreciate him?

A fetish or interest in BDSM doesn't make you a shitty cheater. Being a shitty cheater makes you a shitty cheater.

And I just wanted to add, now that I've found my phone charger, lol, I am not meaning to invalidate your pain and I'm truly sorry you find yourself here. I just wanted to say that I existed in a marriage where I was completely unsatisfied sexually and never, ever came within the same zip code of cheating. The things I enjoy with a like-minded partner do not incline me to being disloyal nor would they excuse me if I were. BDSM isn't some big mysterious deal. Dan Savage calls it cops and robbers for grownups with your pants off, and that pretty much nails it (no pun intended) for me. It's play. It's not some fatal flaw that makes you an immoral dirtbag.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 4:21 AM, Tuesday, August 17th]

It's not some fatal flaw that makes you an immoral dirtbag

I didn't say it did. However in reading the responses I must've hit a nerve. Please re read my original post as I simply posted an article that I found interesting.

Yeah I'd be wary of any data provided by someone who has something to sell.

I do think that some WS cheat and go outside of their comfort zone because they are afraid of being judged by the person whose opinion matters the most.

Normal thinking? Not by a long shot. Does it happen? Yeah it happens.

Not saying this is ok, but getting frisky in a way considered non-vanilla is a level of vulnerability that some are incapable of doing in their primary relationship. If you get your kink explored with someone you can ghost it makes it seem safer. You never have to see them or talk to them again.

Again not healthy, but I've seen a lot of WS fall into this faulty logic. BTW understanding it is not the same as condoning it.

No nerves hit here and im sorry if I came across as swinging a hammer around, that wasn't my intent. Sometimes I get a bit ranty and I don't mean to. I just question whether that particular survey is accurate . . . I think in any group of people you could come across there are going to be a lot of cheaters, because people are shady AF. Again, I'm sorry for anyone who has tasted this particular flavor of shit sandwich. It's unfair and nobody deserves it.