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Just Found Out :
How do I ever get over the affair

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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 9:36 PM on Monday, August 16th, 2021

Hi OP, sorry you're here.

I think your best bet to feeling better is to stop obsessing about your wife and the affair, and concentrate on yourself. As long as she fills up your life, your life is going to suck. Be selfish for the foreseeable future, spend time and energy on you (and your kids). Reconnect with old friends, hobbies, exercise... spend time on you, get some joy out of life again. When the anger phase hits you, hard exercise is one way to cope.

Quit talking to her about the affair, you're coming across as weak, needy, clingy.

We read over and over her on SI cheaters tell their spouse "it was only once" very often that's a lie, and it was many times.

Some time away by yourself might help you, a few days or a week to put things in perspective.

You might want to speak to a lawyer to get the lay of the land about divorce, knowledge is power.

posts: 531   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8683828
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Iwillgetthrought ( new member #79096) posted at 3:03 PM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021

I feel very trapped as I love her with all my heart, I don't want to leave and don't want to split up my family but I am finding it hard every day to get up and try and get on with my day. Its crippling me. Its eating me up from within.

This is what I felt too initially. Too emotionally dependent on my WS to leave while the situation was too painful for me to stay. Though I just had to clamp down and stay because of a very critical juncture in my daughter's life and it was hell.

I suggest that you try to stay elsewhere for a period if that's possible, and contact your spouse only if absolutely necessary on logistics issues (don't make up excuses to contact her). It'll help you clear your head , think through what you want to do. Bringing up the affair every day will not help.It'll also hopefully make your WW get back to reality. Distract yourself with work, family, friends, hobbies (I know that it's difficult but it can be done). Get an IC or an IRL friend who will patiently listen to you over and over again and just be there for you. You'll get through this. It gets better with time.

posts: 41   ·   registered: Jul. 9th, 2021
id 8683920
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Justaguy61 ( member #75431) posted at 5:40 PM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021

Cheaters almost never quickly grasp the level of life threatening betrayal that is experienced by their SO. Only rarely and after dramatic action do they occasionally pronounce "I am so sorry I had NO IDEA".

Your wife is feeling shitty and wants that to stop. WRONG. There MUST be consequences. See an attorney and begin the divorce... this WILL get her attention. DNA test your children. This is another way to show her just how BADLY she has destroyed your trust and marriage. Demand a polygraph. Demand a complete and 100% accurate timeline with ALL details that when she has it written down for you have HER read it to you. There are other things but this should move the procedures in the right direction. This will hopefully take her from being sorry to being empathetic and truly remorseful. So sorry you are here.

[This message edited by Justaguy61 at 5:42 PM, Tuesday, August 17th]

posts: 51   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2020
id 8683977
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 5:40 PM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021

As painful and unfair it is to your son, his friendship with his friend must end. As long as they are friends, it’s OM will be a presence in your life. At 12 he is old enough to understand that his mother had an inappropriate relationship with his friends father. As far as keeping it from him, chances are he knows anyway with probably more details from your pissed off 18 year old. It really does suck, but affairs have consequences and sometimes collateral damage.

As the OM is also probably in close proximity, I woukd find out where the affairs took place. It’s a whole new set of challenges if they were screwing in your home or bed. I would also keep her on a short leash if you want to R.

These affairs are commonly the ones to go underground.

Great advice.

All cheaters lie a lot. The problem you have right now is you just don’t know.

She’s probably just sorry she got caught. Sorry.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8683978
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 5:46 PM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021

Rugsweep = long term problems

Stay out of marriage counseling. Your wife is broken not the marriage.

A lot of marriage counselors are rugsweepers. Beware!!!!

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8683983
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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 6:13 PM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021

and she has said, we cant do this every day. She said she is tired and she is finding it really hard.


Wow. p12241312 -
This is callous. She defiled the marriage vows. She lied repeatedly. She shared her body. She irrevocably broke your trust in her. She didn’t care about your children’s stability. And she’s tired & finding it really hard?

What she admitted was the tip of the iceberg. How did you find out? Did she voluntarily confess or was caught? Cheaters typically admit only to what you already know or can prove. She’s lying, she had sex with him multiple X’s. The affair may have went on longer than she says. Did she show you the NC text? She has to be completely NO CONTACT with him. Why hasn’t she blocked him?

If, according to her, you don’t make her happy, why does she want to stay married? Children cannot be the sole reason to stay married.

Sadly your son cannot spend time outside of school with the other boy. Do not lie to your children. Tell them in an age appropriate manner about the affair. Your wife likely will push against this. Remind her you didn’t cause this, there are repercussions of affairs, she should’ve considered your children before she began lying & having sex with another man. She should’ve considered them after the 1st time & all subsequent X’s. Expose her to family & friends for the support, and so she doesn’t paint you as a monster to protect herself. You may think she’d never do this, she’d also never cheat right?

Contact an attorney. STD panel necessary for you both. She should’ve already provided you with all her pw’s & access. Have her write a timeline of the affair. Afterwards tell her you’ll be scheduling a poly. Ask her to read books about infidelity. If she pushes against any, drop D papers (it doesn’t have to be finalized.) Even if she does everything you ask, it may be a deal breaker for you. I’m not confident in her considering her whining over you justifiably asking questions. It’s normal. If you want to ask the same ques 50x in a row, she should be willing to do whatever it takes. She abused you. You are not responsible for her affair. She needs to take full responsibility for the affair & take steps to address why she gambled her marriage & an intact family for your children, to commit adultery. What’s stopping her from continuing to cheat with him or someone else?

Take after yourself - no alcohol, drink water, physical activity, eat heathy or drink nutritional drinks, vitamins, and see a doctor if you’re having difficulty sleeping. 180. Best of luck.

posts: 317   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021
id 8683992
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hatefulnow ( member #35603) posted at 6:53 PM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021

Hello Friend.

First, welcome to the best club no one ever wants to join.

I'm very sorry you're here. It's always a sad thing to learn the one you've trusted with everything has betrayed you. It makes no sense. Affairs never do. There may have been issues but an affair is not the answer. It only compounds.

This is not your fault...at all. I don't care if you were the worst husband, which you probably weren't. She had no right or excuse to do what she did. Understand and accept that first.

Now, what to do. I'd see a lawyer in order to know my rights. I'm not saying file for divorce, but you want to know what that would look like in case that becomes an option in the future. Also, you've experienced a trauma as severe as a physical attack or major accident. It may help to speak with a couselor or clergyman if you are religious. DO NOT do marriage counseling yet. Maybe down the line, but right now you wife is not ready.

Right now, she is in save-her-a$$ mode. She wants to rug-sweep, get back to normal and for you to move on and get over it, as if all she did was break wind. That NEVER works. Either the affair will go underground or rekindle later or she may have another affair with someome else, figuring she did it before so no big deal. Right now you can't trust anything she says or does.

If you want to stay together, do not offer her that second chance for free. She has exausted any credit she had and must EARN everything back. You'll get lots of good advice from the veterans here. Take it or at least what would work for you. It will often be painful so brace yourself. Complete honesty, a time-line of the affair...with details: who, what, when, where, frequency of meetings, places, collaborators (her girlfriends and/or co-workers for example) and even specific sex acts if you think you can handle it. I say this because you'll probably imagine worse than what was going on.

Complete transparency if you want it. It's a pain to have to check up on a grown person, but this act brings home the magnitude of what she's done.

Consider a lie detector test. Very effective at getting any details she's 'forgotten' about. There are many cases of parking lot confessions here on SI.

Exposure...to family, friends, her job if it's with a co-worker, the kids and especially AP's wife. People tend to take sides and her family will tend to support her, but the knowledge and embarrassment she'll face will help snap her into reality.

Most importantly, take care of yourself. Give yourself time. This will be a marathon, not a sprint. It takes typically 2-5 years to get though something like this no matter the outcome.

Sorry for the novella. Good luck.

posts: 269   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2012
id 8684001
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Iwillgetthrought ( new member #79096) posted at 7:51 PM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021

Also, like others have said do NOT rugsweep ( I did so the first 2 times because I so desperately wanted to get back to 'normal' but then the WS never understand the extent of your pain and the damage done to the M and just repeat the infidelity again.

There are many articles in the healing library which tells you who is a candidate for R and also the conditions for R (from which you could prioritize) ---- should you decide that the A is not a deal breaker for you. But pls don't rush into a decision, take your time and take care

posts: 41   ·   registered: Jul. 9th, 2021
id 8684020
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SpaceGhost0007 ( member #46539) posted at 8:41 PM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021

Sorry for what you are going through! Don’t forget you are the prize not the OM. I am sure your wife thinks he is the greatest but his own wife deserted him for another man.

So he tried to steal another man’s wife? He is a piece of shit so don’t forget you are better than him. Talk about low life scum.

Also here are the biggest lies ever"
1. The check is in the mail.
2. I’m with the government and I am here to help you.
3. Honey I only had sex with him one time.

So she met a dude and was going to leave and only did it once? Maybe if she was doing anal with him instead because "That’s not sex". When people first meet and do it they start doing it a lot.

Think twice about wanting her back. She may have had many of these affairs. Good luck to you!

posts: 149   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2015
id 8684026
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Thissux ( member #45966) posted at 8:52 PM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021

You've received some great advice already. I completely agree with Chamomile Tea and Waitedwaytoolong.

To try to answer your original question in the title of the thread, I don't think we ever "get over" the affair. At best, we get through it. I think what you're asking is "How do I ever get over the humiliation?"

I found it helpful to understand the difference between "shame" and "humiliation". Shame is an emotion caused by something you did. Humiliation is an emotion caused by someone else's actions against you. I experienced a lot of shame early on after Dday. I learned that the emotion I was feeling was humiliation. The practical difference lets you lay the blame at your wife's feet and not waste time trying to fix something you did. I think I wasted the first three years of reconciliation misinterpreting these two emotions.

I also realized my wife was humiliating me even before I knew of the affair. There was nothing I was doing during that time to be ashamed of. I wish I had understood the difference between shame and humiliation sooner.

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time to grieve. Don't try to fix things. Find a good shrink for you and work through the process of deciding if you can live with someone cable of humiliating you. Don't burden yourself with shame. It will lead you in the wrong direction.

Me: BH early 50's at Dday
Her: WW late 40s at Dday
DDay 7/4/2014
Affair with coworker

posts: 950   ·   registered: Dec. 14th, 2014
id 8684029
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DoinBettr ( member #71209) posted at 9:30 PM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021

Your wife is starting to try to push you to "Get over it." Which means she wants what all cheaters want. A good rug sweeping.

She also tried to pull the plug and leave the marriage until your daughter stood up to her childish behavior.

Your wife thinks she is in control of this marriage she just blew up. She thinks you will get over this eventually and if she badgers and threatens a bit, you will get over it faster. Especially if she first makes it uncomfortable for you, then gets sexy and sleeps with you. Then you will just go back to how things were.

The key to counter this would be 1 of 2 things. Both involve going on the offensive and stating you aren't going to take this behavior:

1) File for divorce. You seem to not want to do this and that is ok. I didn't want to do it, but my wife never went to counseling or did any of the work. Then I filed, still nothing. Not until a couple of her "friends" started asking how weird it would be to date me during the separation I was setting up did she get just shaken.
Cheaters sometimes need to know they can be replaced before they get the picture that they are lucky you are staying and not the other way around. They think they are the lead in this story. You are just a supporting role.

2) Option 2 is showing them that they are the lucky one. You need to hard 180 and maybe even start in house separation. Don't talk to her unless about the kids. She wants to do something with you, tough. She wants to talk, tough. She wants to feel "pretty", go rub one out honey. You take the family out for dinner, you don't bring her. She is a stranger to you.
BTW - you also move out of the bedroom and start working out. This is to occupy your time at home. You reconnect as much as possible with the kids and ignore her. She isn't a person anymore, just a talking cloud.
At first she will be glad you stopped talking to her about the affair (Month to a couple months). Then she will start to get worried (3-5 months). She will try to talk, try to get your attention. Lifelessly shrug at her and stare at your phone and leave every time she wants to talk. Eventually she will either pursue you hard and start being willing to do the hard work or start to try to get attention from the idiot again because she feels you are disconnecting. Either way, this forces her to make a move to change things. It isn't you pushing her, she has to push herself. If you push her, she is just going to resent you for changing/controlling her.

You may need to make the affair uncomfortable as well. Tell the other friend's dads and moms what happened. Worn them about him like he is a predator. You wife will look like a hussy, but everyone in town will start to distance themselves from her and him.

Good luck and without more information about your situation, these 2 are basics in the healing library. 180 or initiate divorce on a fence sitter.

posts: 725   ·   registered: Aug. 7th, 2019   ·   location: Midwest
id 8684038
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cuckhold ( member #25015) posted at 9:38 PM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021

First. This is NOT your fault. She CHOSE to violate her vows. If her marriage was so bad get divorced or counseling but DO NOT CHEAT!
"We only did it once!" We ALL heard that BS story. A polygraph is a good suggestion. Most never happen. The whole truth spills out in the polygrapher's parking lot.
Your marriage can be saved, but it's HARD fricken work! Your mind movies will be tough to get over. My counselor used EMDR with fairly good success. If my WW made any kind of effort it may have been completely successful.
Your wife has a JOB in front of her to make this healing process a reality. Only she can give you what you need to begin healing.
Good Luck to you both!

posts: 728   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2009   ·   location: michigan
id 8684041
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Apassionato ( new member #79221) posted at 11:59 PM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021

Remember: True remorse can only happen when real consequences have to be faced. Not through words but through actions.

We all tend to think that our situation is somehow special but in the end, they all are astonishingly similar.

Stay strong brother!

posts: 3   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2021
id 8684058
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 12:03 AM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

P122,

The story about OMWs leaving him likely leaves out some important details.

Namely that OM was a serial cheater who tortured his W for years until she was broken and it was in fact a revenge affair.

OMs typically have stories they tell to make them seem like victims, and guess what your WW was the only one who understood OM.

You would think women would not fall for such cliche garbage but they do .

posts: 1554   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8684059
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MickeyBill2016 ( member #56459) posted at 8:52 PM on Wednesday, August 25th, 2021

Are you sure the his wife had an affair and left with the kids?
My guess is the OM is a serial cheater and got caught by his ex wife so
he hooked up with your wife. With 100% cooperation from your wife.

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1273   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8685436
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