SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There does come a time when you're a volunteer instead of a victim. If you know that wasps sting but you don't want to stop petting them, that becomes a you problem. You know what's going on, you get it intellectually. You know he hurts and you reach out to him anyway. You even understand why you're doing this and how it relates to your childhood. You aren't interacting with his potential self. You're interacting with who he is. Jeffrey Dahmer probably had some good qualities. He certainly got a lot of dates. He might have been a good boyfriend if not for that killing and eating his partners thing. Your WH might be a good husband except for that lying, emotionally abusive, cheating thing. The "except for" is HUGE. It overshadows everything else. It makes all the good qualities irrelevant. My XWH has some good qualities and so what? If you remove liar, crackhead and fucking prostitutes, you probably have you a decent enough man. But you can't remove those things. Those things are part of the package. You've lived with toxic so long that you've lost perspective on how awful the toxic part is. This isn't normal run of the mill relationship issues. This is all appalling behavior. This is horrible stuff for you to live with and deal with. You have forgotten what healthy feels like, and no wonder. You've been away from healthy for a lot of years.

I promise if you allow yourself to detach from him you'll find that he's not even appealing to you. You'll be amazed that you ever wanted him. You won't recognize who you are right now. You'll be so relieved to get away from that madness. You're at a crossroads and you have all the power here. You feel like he has the power, but he doesn't. He's sitting there like a cactus waiting for you to reach out and touch him. You can choose a life without all that toxicity or you can double-down and dive right back into it and suffer longer. You know that you're worth more than that. You know that you deserve better than this from yourself. It's time to be your own best friend and get real with yourself.

There does come a time when you're a volunteer instead of a victim. If you know that wasps sting but you don't want to stop petting them, that becomes a you problem. You know what's going on, you get it intellectually.

I do - my mind knows...and it's baby steps. It's untangling 29 years. It's acceptance...I was talking with a friend this morning who went through a horrible D with an addict / abuser and we were talking about how acceptance is the hardest part. I also know if I get stung / stabbed enough I could die.

You're interacting with who he is. Jeffrey Dahmer probably had some good qualities. He certainly got a lot of dates. He might have been a good boyfriend if not for that killing and eating his partners thing.

OMG too true...I compare FW to a vampire. He's always vampired people - when he would get a new helper, I always noticed subtle (and not so subtle) changes to his personality.

You've lived with toxic so long that you've lost perspective on how awful the toxic part is. This isn't normal run of the mill relationship issues. This is all appalling behavior. This is horrible stuff for you to live with and deal with. You have forgotten what healthy feels like, and no wonder. You've been away from healthy for a lot of years.

Truthfully, I'm not sure I ever knew healthy - I got with FW when I was 15 and moved in with him when I was 17 - so I left my parents house (narc / alcoholic abuse and neglect) and right in with him (more abuse - mostly verbal / emotional). So what's healthy?
I am working with my therapist on this and doing the CoDA 12 steps on my own.

I promise if you allow yourself to detach from him you'll find that he's not even appealing to you.

I'm trying...my switch has been stuck. The fact I asked him to leave and I haven't asked him to come back, see me, or said I miss him - and most of the time I don't - is forward progress. He's still my kids dad, and we had a LOT of good times over 29 years and I'm still grieving that.

You're at a crossroads and you have all the power here. You feel like he has the power, but he doesn't.

That's one to ponder - he has *some power in the fact he could abandon the apartment and move back home. At least being separate gives me a chance to breathe. I'm afraid telling him its over could backfire and I end up trying to deal with an in-house separation.
What I've started thinking about is that the M ends organically. I mean it's on life support as far as I'm concerned, but I'm hoping his Twu Luv comes along.
I'm probably overthinking things- but I know I'm not powerless right now.

You know that you deserve better than this from yourself. It's time to be your own best friend and get real with yourself.

Day by day...I have a lot of healing to do. I never got to know myself. Progress not perfection.

I'm kind of excited for you about the healing you're working on. This is important stuff and it would be so beautiful for you to get into a non-toxic life. You deserve so much joy and peace.

and we had a LOT of good times over 29 years and I'm still grieving that.

I so get that. I had some of the best and happiest times of my life with my XWH. Some of the most beautiful moments. I can't pretend that isn't true no matter who he turned out to be. Grieving that is real. That was a hard one for me too.

Let me start off with *this doesn't change anything* - but maybe it helps put the M in perspective.

I'm married to a porn addict and didn't have a fucking clue.

Now, I get that I'm taking FW at his word which hasn't meant jack-doodle-crap in 10 months, but some of the stuff he texted me last night (IF true) made me realize he's had a mistress in the M for years - just not an in-person one.

I won't go into the details but it does help put some of the pieces in place. I've always suspected he never matured emotionally past the age of about 13 and maybe even younger due to the severe sexual abuse.

I really didn't have a clue how pervasive it was...if what he's told me is true (and I'm not sure why anyone would make this up, but I'm not naïve enough to take it completely at face value), it puts his abusive behavior towards me in a different light.

It also makes me realize I'm 100% not at fault - nothing I could've said or done would've changed his behavior one bit.

It may be true or it may not be true, there's no way to just know. Some guys who cheat do use that as an excuse, kind of "I'm not just an asshole who doesn't respect you, I'm an addict and I can't help being an asshole who doesn't respect you". Kind of "I'm sick and I need help" as a form of manipulation.

My XWH didn't get that this made it worse to me. This "can't help it" made him more of a threat. None of the "I have a disease" helped him in my eyes.