"
BUT… what the fuck?? 😂 It’s so weird and I kind of struggle with thoughts of "how much of a sham are we? This is all fake. We can never be the happy couple because of what he did."
Underserving, this resonates with me, too. After all we've been through, all we know about our partner and their dirty secrets and lies, all of it . . . how can we look and be happy and "pretend" nothing happened? I struggled with this a lot over the 7 years it's taken me to get where I am today. But somewhere along the road those thoughts, like many other ruminations and triggering thoughts, stopped. I may have realized that many relationships "look good" on the surface, but you never know what's really going on behind closed doors. And that while it may not be how I'd like my past to be, it is what it is. That's just life. And at some point I must have simply made peace with it.
It sounds like you've done a lot of good work, made some huge changes for the better! All to be celebrated and appreciated. Having doubts is to be expected after the trauma you've experienced. Acknowledge them as they come up, give them a brief review and reality test if needed, then let those thoughts pass by. You are where you are in your recovery for a reason. You've worked hard to get where you are and deserve happiness and peace.
I think there was a time when I actually became addicted in some weird way to all the drama, and when things settled down too much and I started to feel "normal" about things, that triggered a reaction in me. I think it's all part of the process of healing. I'm late to the post and you may not read this, Underserving, but I wish you well and believe the good advice you've received from others will serve you well. You sound strong and aware 
