SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BTW – TAM and MB have comparable rules and guidelines. One thing TAM does that I enjoy is have a form where they list all their banned members. Many of whom were banned here too.

Speaking as a moderator on TAM, this pretty well sums it up.

I also don't recall Spaceghost being harassed towards reconciliation. But I do remember him taking some pretty bold steps to punish his WW.

Granted, it has been a few years since I have perused that thread.

That said, and as you have recently found out OP, hurt people hurt people.

Just remember that when this is all said and done, you are the only one that has to look yourself in the eyes as you face the mirror. Make sure the actions you take are ones that don't cause you to shy away from them.

Farsidejunky - agree with you. However, as I’ve mentioned before, we have no idea of the context of those cruel words (whore etc.).

We have no details concerning OPs situation. Was his WW cruel to him before, during, and after the A? What were the details of the A? What was the state of the M prior to the A. What actions has WW taken since DDay?

The only thing I can gather is that the latter has no bearing on OPs decision to D, which is to be respected. But based on the limited info OP has provided, that’s all that can be surmised.

TAM and MB Please explain.
Thanks

TalkAboutMarriage and MarriageBuilder

Note that one of our guidelines is: SI.com does not allow soliciting of any kind, publicly OR via Private Message. This includes links, URLs or references to other websites.

References to other websites have been benign in this thread, but they still violate the guideline.

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Th guidelines work, but only if we stay within them.

Thanks.

He kept his demeanor, went through the same trauma as you, and unfortunately his wife chose to cheat years later.

I remember the part where the space ghost tells his wife that she can now go out with other men.

his wife's reaction and what she did...

She had an affair with her boss at work and in luxury hotels for months. she had thought of everything to avoid getting caught and left no digital trace.

It's hard to understand why she said she didn't love him. (she never told her boss that she loved him! but she didn't say she didn't love him either)

How she convinces herself to lie to everyone she loves (family, spouse, children, etc.) is another matter. It's hard to imagine that a woman who does all this just to be with her boss doesn't love her.

she was trying to get back to ex space ghost. I don't think this is possible.

(I can remove my comment if space ghost is offended)

I don't know the details of your situation, but how does she explain that he thinks she can continue the marriage after having a planned affair for months (you don't see your mother),

You did not share the details of your wife's relationship. Let me remind you that your lawyer must be good.

People, stop talking about members who aren't here. We're here to support Notthere. Talk about him and his situation.

"I don't feel like wasting 2-5 years of my life on an experiment to see if she fixes her immorality".

Sometimes it takes a LOT longer than that. I'm one of those where if I had to do it again, I would have gotten divorced. My D day was in 2006, and although we made it through till now, the marriage has been pretty much just a sideshow for our autistic son.

Good luck to you in whatever you choose. You sound like your militancy on cheating will pave the way for your decision.

To-date you have posted on three threads, this one (the one you started), one questioning reconciliation and on a thread where a BS states his WW is getting primary custody where you mention the unfairness of it all.

The last one – the Primary Custody one – is important:
Like I have stated I don’t really have an opinion on if you should R or D. Marriage is, has always been and should always be a choice. If you don’t think your marriage is salvageable or don’t want to be married to your wife then you have the choice – the option – of divorcing. To me that beats remaining in a relationship you don’t want to be in.

But…
If you call your wife whore, are abusive or aggressive or confrontational beyond what is expected in the divorce… it’s only going to increase the odds of YOU starting a thread about not having Prime Custody…

I’m looking at this purely from a legal and custodial POV. When you enter custody decision time you already have the kids 50%. Courts usually look at who is the historical and present prime care-giver. If you have been working 100% and your wife 50% and spending more time with the kids… it will 99% be her. Same if the numbers were turned – it would be you.
50/50 is fine, irrespective of Prime Custody. PC loses value as the kids grow.

However… If you enter the discussions in an aggressive manner and your WW attorney can show a repeated pattern of you abusing their mom (even if its talking negatively about her to others using terms like whore – even if she cant hear it…) you are looking at cuts in your 50%...

Friend – I’m trying to guide you to the best resolution on your situation.
You have told us more about your relationship with your mom and about the relationship of another poster than you have told us about your relationship with your wife. Don’t try to be someone else… Be you. Be true.

Bigger,

Primary custody involves decision making in health, schooling and things like that. You can have the kids 50% of the time but not involved in the welfare of the child.

Joint custody is yo both have a say.

Who has the child more is primary residence.

Rambler, while you are technically correct, none of that matters if she can prove the OP abusive.

As hypocritical as it may be, the court will likely look the other way in infidelity..while not so much on verbal abuse.

Bigger is trying to get the OP to step outside of his emotions and be more pragmatic, in order to see the long game, before he rings a bell that cannot be unrung.

I am being me. That time I called her a whore was the only time I did and it was just us. Dday was 5 months ago.

I was sure I was divorcing her when I found out and I was sure I would divorce my wife over 20 years ago if this happened to me.

I also don't want to keep the kids from her even though I kept my kids from my mother save for a few occasions. I don't think it's fair.

We will co parent but other than that I don't want anything to do with her and in a few years when the kids are 19 and in college I'll be fine never talking to her for the rest of my life

[This message edited by Nothere759 at 8:01 PM, Sunday, March 20th]

OP. What has been going on during the intervening five months since Dday? In house separation, you working with your lawyer on the filing paperwork, etc?

Mostly working with the lawyer, shes been uncooperative from the start and it's making it difficult.

She also stays and goes. I was advised not to leave so that's what I'll do.

[This message edited by Nothere759 at 12:23 AM, Monday, March 21st]

If she doesn't want to divorce but you are dead set on it, life must be trying for the both of you and not to mention the kids.

So what actions has she been doing to try and convince you not to go this route? Or is a case of she now understands that it is over so she is effectively punishing you for doing this (hence the making it difficult). Does she even have someone representing her in any way in the divorce?

If she doesn't all she is doing is ruining things for herself and even though you may think you are getting your way with it proceeding like this, if you plan to co-parent (even if it is only until the kids are 19) then you need a properly functioning ex-wife to work with you on this.

Having a ruined person on the other side of the fence does YOU no favours, and having a very antagonistic relationship between you both makes it so much harder for your kids. Like "life altering" hard.

I get the anger given your past however you also have to keep an eye on the future and that future for the next decade at least involves having her in it. Again, it is YOUR best interests to keep it as amicable as possible.

You may just have bite your tongue, keep it friendly between you both and just progress the D as best as you can. You can hold out the possibility of some form of "friendship" to smooth the waters and keep the future ghosting to yourself.

This allows you to work on a calm "now" for you, her and the kids and then when the time comes you can revisit whether you want her in your life on any level.

But be aware that the future with your kids still involves marriages, grand-kids and a whole heap of things that will still bind you together. Your actions do not just affect you but those around you and it is this that you need to always keep in your mind.

At this stage, your anger is going to affect a lot of people for a very long time and I have a feeling that you are not looking past your own self in this regard.

[This message edited by medieval at 1:26 AM, Monday, March 21st]

OP, I think you should do as you please. You have your bounderies and values and your "wife" broke them willingly and destroyed your relationship. You don't have to take the highroad if you don't feel that way. You did nothing wrong. Just don't burn yourself. You can't destroy peoples lifes and then expect them to be considerate and not act on their anger. I don't advocate for revenge but I think you should do whatever you deem necessary if you think it will help you heal.

Yup. I just want nothing to do with her. I've only gone off on her once. Co-parenting for awhile will be fine I hope after we finally get divorced and she stops with the annoying crying and begging.

Once the kids are off to college soon I'll be free.

I also don't like counciling did it a bunch when I was young and it didn't do anything. All I want to do is cut this monster out of my life I don't know why I need a therapist.

My mom ceased to exist for most of my life save for the instances I mentioned. Her "wedding" with reprobate never happened by the way. She was in a moment of weakness and lonely, she never reconnected with him after the falling out they had after my dad discovered their affair. He just called her and wanted to get married, they never even met again. What a joke. Again long story. My wife will be the same.

just hang in there dude. Do nothing to jeopardize your advantage.

She did the worst thing anyone could ever do to you.

Move on, hold your head high and win the upcoming battle

Yup. I just want nothing to do with her. I've only gone off on her once. Co-parenting for awhile will be fine I hope after we finally get divorced and she stops with the annoying crying and begging.

Once the kids are off to college soon I'll be free.

I can totally relate, and I think you are in a good frame of mind. I can only speak for myself, but since my D, XWW and I get along fine because we don't talk. We co-parent fine, put the kids first, communicate by text and everything is pretty smooth. Once the kids graduate and I no longer have to pay CS, I expect I will only ever see her at my kids' weddings.

OP, there is nothing wrong with that attitude. No reason for you to dwell on it, it sounds like you are moving past it and moving on with your life.

NOT THERE

You have told us more about your relationship with your mom and about the relationship of another poster than you have told us about your relationship with your wife. Don’t try to be someone else… Be you. Be true.

Bigger and others have pointed this out so I don't see how anyone can give you anything but support. At this point it appears you are handling this shitstorm exactly the way you want to and it also appears that you have already hired an attorney who will advise you better on what to do than anyone here.

You have made your decision and have stated more than once you are divorcing her. I was also directed to the Spaceghost post when i posted for the first time and just like you he made it clear that he was divorcing his wife by probably the first five pages of a 45 -50 page thread. What ensued was basically members arguing on whether his wife was remorseful or not or arguing about whether he should reconcile to divorce when he made it clear what he was going to do.

My friend, you do not need to divulge any more of what she did or how she did it unless you are considering reconciliation, which you have said is off the table. You have gotten yourself out of infidelity and owe no one any more explanations or justifications of your actions.

Some very well meaning people here sometimes cannot accept that there is no more advice to give.

Bigger expressed it well that the legal ramifications are all you need to worry about. Listen to your attorney and move yourself on. Best of luck to you.

[This message edited by BeyondRage at 10:42 PM, Monday, March 21st]