I had the desire to know all the gritty sexual details, but experts say not to ask because you can't unknow it and it could make the flashbacks worse - instead of imagining what happened, then you would know for a fact.
Turns out the "experts" were wrong, weren’t they?
IMHO, I believe that if the mind feels compelled to know the details, then learn the details.
I believe it’s the mind’s way of processing the trauma, by numbing itself to it, like the development of a callous on repetitively abraised skin. Your mind ruminates, processes, and re-process it repetitively to absolute exhaustion. Until you’ve reached a point where you’re just tired and bored of thinking about it.
My mind has a very active, creative, graphic imagination. If I didn’t learn details, my mind would have, by default, filled in the blanks with something extravagantly more romantic and XXX rated than what actually occurred.
I believe that taking all the facts and laying them out on an autopsy table under examination lights, flooding every dark, mysterious, alluring corner possible with bright unflattering sterilizing light, helps to kill any residue of erotic seductive mystique that might fester, hauntingly, in the corners of your imagination until it becomes larger than life.
Do you find yourself ruminating on this stuff during downtime, when you’re bored, when your mind is not occupied or, when something triggers you? I suggest mentally changing the channel when this occurs.
I would not contact the AP for details at this point or at any point. You are placing yourself in a position for them to hurt you. The AP should be persona non grata. By contacting the AP you’re bringing them back into your relationship and headspace.
I would also hesitate to, at this late stage, ask your spouse. I would probably seek EMDR therapy if this is happening a lot.
