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Newest Member: Purplepenguin

Reconciliation :
Getting beyond the awkward phase

Topic is Sleeping.
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 hurtbs (original poster member #10866) posted at 4:04 AM on Monday, October 17th, 2022

I'm curious if others have gone through an awkward phase with your WS or BS where everything felt.... awkward. Everything feels hard and distant. You're not hostile, it's just... I feel like I'm 15 years old and trying to talk to a boy I like... who also doesn't know how to talk to girls.

If you went through this phase, how did you get through it?

Me - 40 something. WXH DDay 2006, Divorced 2012
WBF DDay #1 9/2022 #2 11/2022
Single

posts: 15754   ·   registered: Jun. 1st, 2006   ·   location: So Cal
id 8759896
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:24 PM on Monday, October 17th, 2022

Sure. I thought I knew my W, but events taught me I didn't. Hell, I thought I knew myself, but I didn't. (I had imagined I'd crumble if W cheated; I didn't.) How could I continue to communicate in the old ways? How could I believe what I received from my W when I had misjudged her so badly?

As a result of the breakdown in comms (because my W didn't communicate honestly - her failure, not mine*), I decided that we had to start from the beginning. We had to ask for what we wanted clearly. A former therapist used to tell me to 'say it so a 4 year old would understand'. It's amazing how much that focuses one's mind on the essentials.

I like/don't like _____.

I want/don't want _____.

Will you do _____?

I like your analogy to 15 year olds, although I wasn't sure I still liked my W. We did essentially what 15 year olds do, but with more skill: we asked questions, listened to responses, noted the nonverbals that went with each comment....

W thinks we did hysterical bonding ('HB'). I'm not sure, because it turned out that we both wanted more sex than we had been doing.

* TBH, W thinks I don't communicate much of what I'm thinking - but I'm honest in what I do show and say; she wasn't. Dishonesty is a giant impediment in relationships, and dishonesty led to her A.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:25 PM, Monday, October 17th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 28158   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8759938
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ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 4:28 PM on Monday, October 17th, 2022

I feel like I'm 15 years old and trying to talk to a boy I like... who also doesn't know how to talk to girls.


That nervous energy suggests that you're overly invested in the relationship, I think. And yeah, that's why we're here in the Reconciliation section. We're hoping to reinvest, but it needs to be reciprocal and it needs to be healthy. That kind of energy where you picture yourself as a young girl trying to get a boy's attention suggests that your need for R might be willing to gloss over a whole world of defect and dysfunction.

My suggestion would be to slow down and step back a little. Butterflies aren't always about romance. Sometimes, they're about danger, and while R is always a risk, that risk can be mitigated somewhat by taking your time and making a proper assessment of the WS's viability.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 6300   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8759939
Topic is Sleeping.
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