SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've had a different understanding of poly relationships then. I thought that it was more about relationships/commitment and not so much about dating.

The lack of universality in nonmonogamy is one of the things that I think is pretty amazing. You can build relationships to suit the people involved.

As long as everyone involved is giving enthusiastic, informed consent- it's all good. That really is the only metric that matters.

Additionally, I do identify as open and not just poly. I like casual sex, and so does DH. More than one label can apply :)

Interesting topic, definitely not for me but out of curiosity, I can only imagine that the risks of getting STDs/STIs or other type of infectious diseases are a serious consideration before getting into non-monogamous lifestyles (polyamory/swinging, etc.,), the risks have to be higher since people in the "lifestyle" may sometimes rely on someone else's word for "casual sex" and even for regular sex and/or makeout sessions as the number of encounters/partners (who also may have many others with different people) increase over time, so does increase the chance of getting a disease and passing it on to one's partner(s), not to mention accidental pregnancies (which are easier to prevent) which could in turn result in abortions or OCs and financial implications like child support for years.

Even if you ask for proof of STD/STI test results up front, I find it difficult to believe that after the relationship starts a new test result will be required for each subsequent encounter, not to mention some other non sexually infectious diseases that are typically not even tested for but could be as serious.

Interesting topic, definitely not for me but out of curiosity, I can only imagine that the risks of getting STDs/STIs or other type of infectious diseases are a serious consideration before getting into non-monogamous lifestyles (polyamory/swinging, etc.,), the risks have to be higher since people in the "lifestyle" may sometimes rely on someone else's word for "casual sex" and even for regular sex and/or makeout sessions as the number of encounters/partners (who also may have many others with different people) increase over time, so does increase the chance of getting a disease and passing it on to one's partner(s), not to mention accidental pregnancies (which are easier to prevent) which could in turn result in abortions or OCs and financial implications like child support for years.

Even if you ask for proof of STD/STI test results up front, I find it difficult to believe that after the relationship starts a new test result will be required for each subsequent encounter, not to mention some other non sexually infectious diseases that are typically not even tested for but could be as serious.

Typically we poly people are more aware of the risks and we tend to be very careful about safe sex. Often we make sure to get tested multiple times a year and whenever we have a new partner and we insist on test results from a new partner. Sadly studies have shown that mono people are less likely to be careful and frankly communicate about it so mono people have a higher rate of STDs.

[This message edited by cheatingwho at 2:36 AM, Tuesday, January 10th]

Sadly studies have shown that mono people are less likely to be careful and frankly communicate about it so mono people have a higher rate of STDs.

Could you cite those studies and share the actual results ? I guess not all "studies" seem to agree on that statement, in fact a quick google search brings much different results showing higher STI/STD risk for CNM (Consensual Non Monogamy), one of the studies cites a lower risk of infection for CNMs ONLY when cheating is involved in "mono people" relationships here's a short extract of that study:

"Recent research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine indicates that people with negotiated non-monogamy have fewer STIs and infect fewer partners than do people in unfaithful relationships in which the partners are cheating and have not negotiated multiple-partner sexuality". (I would need staff approval to bring the actual links).

PSTI:

You said earlier, "the unmet needs thing is just as gross in polyamory as it is in cheating". So can I infer from this that you believe you are into this lifestyle not for any unfulfilled NEEDS. If my inference above is true then I think you are wrong in believing you are not in this lifestyle for any NEEDS. I read all your posts in this thread and I feel that your thirst for new experiences, new possibilities and the rush you get from them is your NEED. Since this NEED cannot be fulfilled by any one partner you opened your door for others.

Lots of adulters also speak the same language and use same logic. Many adulters say they are in "happy marriage and have amazing partners" and then suddenly they meet someone and boom! This someone brings an experience and rush they never felt before. And they absolutely love it and feel LIBERATING. I feel all serial cheaters are poly wired people because it is these people who speaks poly language very oftenly.

Am not implying that you are an adulter or serial cheater. You are not them. Difference between them and you is you are doing poly thing in a 'ethical way'. There is consent, consensus, transparency, communication and like mindedness in all of your relations. So that's a cool thing. But I just don't buy it that you are not in it for any unfulfilled NEEDS. There is an unfulfilled NEED and so dissatisfaction that stems from it. But instead of fulfilling that NEED and seeking that satisfaction through cheaters way, you opted "an ethical way". This I find it awesome and totally appreciate it. Good luck to you, sister.

PSTI:

You said earlier, "the unmet needs thing is just as gross in polyamory as it is in cheating". So can I infer from this that you believe you are into this lifestyle not for any unfulfilled NEEDS. If my inference above is true then I think you are wrong in believing you are not in this lifestyle for any NEEDS. I read all your posts in this thread and I feel that your thirst for new experiences, new possibilities and the rush you get from them is your NEED. Since this NEED cannot be fulfilled by any one partner you opened your door for others.

Lots of adulters also speak the same language and use same logic. Many adulters say they are in "happy marriage and have amazing partners" and then suddenly they meet someone and boom! This someone brings an experience and rush they never felt before. And they absolutely love it and feel LIBERATING. I feel all serial cheaters are poly wired people because it is these people who speaks poly language very oftenly.

Am not implying that you are an adulter or serial cheater. You are not them. Difference between them and you is you are doing poly thing in a 'ethical way'. There is consent, consensus, transparency, communication and like mindedness in all of your relations. So that's a cool thing. But I just don't buy it that you are not in it for any unfulfilled NEEDS. There is an unfulfilled NEED and so dissatisfaction that stems from it. But instead of fulfilling that NEED and seeking that satisfaction through cheaters way, you opted "an ethical way". This I find it awesome and totally appreciate it. Good luck to you, sister.

LurkingSoul- I see your point, but I think it's more semantics (while I appreciate your kind words!).

I could be monogamous. I don't think it's a need, nor am I dissatisfied with my life as it is. It's just fun. We joke about it being like a hobby (the casual sex part). I wouldn't consider a hobby to be a need, personally; perhaps it would be for others?

I do not think that cheaters feel the same freedom I do, simply because they aren't actually free. They're violating agreed upon boundaries. My freedom stems from knowing that my partners truly accept me for who I am and want me to pursue what I enjoy, so my sense of "freedom" comes mostly from being wholly accepted as myself. Does that make sense?

I also strongly disagree that cheaters are poly wired. They speak the language because they want to masquerade that way, but an integral component of polyamory is ethical behaviour. By definition, you are not poly if you are cheating. An ethical person in a monogamous marriage who realized they wanted to be poly would discuss that with their spouse and see if they wanted to open the marriage. If not, they could choose between getting a divorce or not pursuing the desire to be poly. It's straightforward. The only part that is muddy is the cheater not wanting to give up the benefits of being married while also getting to explore their inclinations- hence cake eating :P

As for STIs... it's extremely common for ethically nonmonogamous people to be extraordinarily careful about sexual health. It's normal to have a detailed conversation about sexual history and often to require testing before sexual contact. I would generally assume that ethically non monogamous people are safer as sexual partners simply because they're aware of the potential risks of their behaviour and so they do tend to get checked more frequently and use safer sex protocols etc.

Are there some people that don't? Absolutely. But again, a lot of non monogamous communities are on the smaller side, and people talk. I wouldn't be interested in having sex with someone who didn't look after their own sexual health because I don't want to put my partners at risk.

I have seen on cheaters' message boards that many of them don't go for STI testing because they don't want to tip off their spouse that they're cheating. Which is beyond ridiculous and makes no sense, but a lot of their "logic" seems that way.

Friend of mine that did a stint in Sweden for a few years says that a very common way infidelities get exposed is by a letter from a specific government organization.
When someone tests positive for an STD, a detailed sexual history is taken and all their partners are informed by a very distinct letter. "Honey, a letter from Hermsgervørdenbrøtbørda is here for you }:("

God the Swedes are nuts.

"Hate"

Good grief.

Enjoy your victimhood.

"Hate"

Good grief.

Enjoy your victimhood.

I think this might be you projecting a little bit? If you've read my posts before I don't think you'd have made that assumption.

But hey, you do you. My point in posting was to throw some shade on people who claim to be poly but who are really cheating and also as a reminder that CONSENT is a nonnegotiable part of open relationships. When I see people post about cheaters and say things like well they should just be in open relationships- nope, that's not going to work either. If you can't handle being honest with one person, you sure as heck can't handle being honest with two or more.

Wishing you a gentle day if you're having a rough one.

HUM1021, you have a pm.

Could you cite those studies and share the actual results ? I guess not all "studies" seem to agree on that statement, in fact a quick google search brings much different results showing higher STI/STD risk for CNM (Consensual Non Monogamy), one of the studies cites a lower risk of infection for CNMs ONLY when cheating is involved in "mono people" relationships here's a short extract of that study:

"Recent research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine indicates that people with negotiated non-monogamy have fewer STIs and infect fewer partners than do people in unfaithful relationships in which the partners are cheating and have not negotiated multiple-partner sexuality". (I would need staff approval to bring the actual links).

I was talking about Poly vs affairs in monogamous relationships.

But also there are different kinds of non-monogamy and groups like swingers or open relationships will have higher rates of partners so more chances for STDs. Whereas polyamory is relationships with multiple people

[This message edited by cheatingwho at 7:07 PM, Friday, January 20th]

I was talking about Poly vs affairs in monogamous relationships.

But also there are different kinds of non-monogamy and groups like swingers or open relationships will have higher rates of partners so more chances for STDs. Whereas polyamory is relationships with multiple people

Ok that's different and yes, the studies claim a lower risk versus "mono people" ONLY when cheating is involved, not otherwise, and yes it's a numbers game the more partners you have, the higher the risk of STIs/STDs, not to mention other possible complications like unwanted pregnancies and their financial consequences (child support, custody, inheritance), abortions, etc, that's why I mentioned some of the very serious aspects and higher risks that have to be considered before taking the plunge into the lifestyle.

I think a lot of this is situational. I would generally feel safer having (protected) sex with a person practicing ethical non monogamy, then a single person I found on a dating site. I feel that people practicing ENM are generally more conscious of their sexual health because they have other people in their networks and they're aware of the increased risk.

Dude down the street on Tinder? A lot of them don't even want to use condoms, let alone have the talk about when their last STI check was.

So I think comparing apples to apples is reasonable.

Certainly, I believe people having affairs are a much higher risk than even single dude on Tinder, let alone the ENM person.

Also? I don't think of polyamory as a lifestyle. It's just life. Swinging, BDSM, stuff like that? Sure, those are often referred to as the Lifestyle. But polyamory is just relationships.

I like both. One is a lifestyle, one is who I am.

Had another cheater message me the other day... sigh. Surprisingly a woman this time. She said she wanted to be discreet because her boyfriend wasn't involved. I said OK, I'm not interested in hooking up with a couple anyway but did she mean discreet as in dating on her own and he knows about it but she wants it to be quiet, or discreet as in he doesn't know that she's on here? Annnd she unmatched me. I'm not going to be part of that.

[This message edited by PSTI at 1:27 PM, January 21st (Saturday)]

I think a lot of this is situational. I would generally feel safer having (protected) sex with a person practicing ethical non monogamy, then a single person I found on a dating site. I feel that people practicing ENM are generally more conscious of their sexual health because they have other people in their networks and they're aware of the increased risk.

If we're talking about "dating" then perhaps, and I do agree that people practicing ENM are more conscious about the risks and the studies I mention reflect that, but generally the more people involved the higher the risk, I was instead referring more to faithful and committed monogamous relationships.

Dude down the street on Tinder? A lot of them don't even want to use condoms, let alone have the talk about when their last STI check was.

So I think comparing apples to apples is reasonable.

Again I agree that perhaps when it comes to dating but again once a committed and faithful monogamous relationship is established, there's no more "dating" other people.

Certainly, I believe people having affairs are a much higher risk than even single dude on Tinder, let alone the ENM person.

I agree.

Also? I don't think of polyamory as a lifestyle. It's just life. Swinging, BDSM, stuff like that? Sure, those are often referred to as the Lifestyle. But polyamory is just relationships.

I like both. One is a lifestyle, one is who I am.

Could be both, some people practicing it do refer to it as being a "lifestyle" as it has been referred to in "Psychology Today" and "Medical News Today"but to me that's just semantics as I consider faithful monogamy a more traditional/typical "lifestyle", here's one of the responses of one of the people interviewed: "It’s a lifestyle where, essentially, I am not confined to the things that everyone else is confined [to] in relationships. The way that I see it […] is that you have multiple loving relationships with multiple people at the same time," said Ella.

If we're talking about "dating" then perhaps, and I do agree that people practicing ENM are more conscious about the risks and the studies I mention reflect that, but generally the more people involved the higher the risk, I was instead referring more to faithful and committed monogamous relationships.

Well, by definition, shouldn't the risk in a committed monogamous relationship be zero? I think that's not exactly a reasonable parallel to make, which is why I suggest matching it with dating single people as opposed to dating ethically non monogamous people. That seems to be a closer comparison, wouldn't you agree?

Could be both, some people practicing it do refer to it as being a "lifestyle" as it has been referred to in "Psychology Today" and "Medical News Today"but to me that's just semantics as I consider faithful monogamy a more traditional/typical "lifestyle", here's one of the responses of one of the people interviewed: "It’s a lifestyle where, essentially, I am not confined to the things that everyone else is confined [to] in relationships. The way that I see it […] is that you have multiple loving relationships with multiple people at the same time," said Ella.

Fair enough. To me, relationships are just part of my life. Stuff that's "lifestyle" to me would be things that are private and not to share with family, kids, or the general public. But polyamory? That's not something I'd hide anymore than a monogamous person would hide their significant other. Polyamory is just another model of romantic relationships.

Well, by definition, shouldn't the risk in a committed monogamous relationship be zero? I think that's not exactly a reasonable parallel to make, which is why I suggest matching it with dating single people as opposed to dating ethically non monogamous people. That seems to be a closer comparison, wouldn't you agree?

Yes but in my initial post above on this page, I was just referring to the higher risks of CNM relationships/lifestyles vs faithful "mono people" and the serious considerations and higher risks involved that should be considered before taking the plunge, and yes of course in faithful mono committed relationships the "dating other people" stops and things like, possible OC and its consequences, condoms (unless other issues are involved like other type of genital infections, lubrication issues, contraceptive preference, etc.) are not even a concern.

Fair enough. To me, relationships are just part of my life. Stuff that's "lifestyle" to me would be things that are private and not to share with family, kids, or the general public. But polyamory? That's not something I'd hide anymore than a monogamous person would hide their significant other. Polyamory is just another model of romantic relationships.

I understand you position especially since you actually live with both of your partners (even though you stated you could date others as well), not that that's necessarily a requirement for being open about it, but I would think some people in polyamory relationships might prefer to keep the "lifestyle/relationships" more discreet, especially if one of the partners lives elsewhere and/or for some reason can't see one another or because of religion issues by one of the partners or their family among other things.