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Newest Member: YouGoGirl2000

Reconciliation :
I have this ‘feeling’ again

Topic is Sleeping.

 Justkeepgoing26 (original poster member #75340) posted at 8:39 AM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

I have this awful feeling again, instinct maybe that WH is having an affair with his boss.

She called him last week and asked him to pick her up from dropping her car off for a service on his way to work, then he took her to pick it up again. This might not mean anything but there are a lot of people that work at the company but it’s always him she goes to. Then she ‘accidentally’ called him last night on a Sunday.

He talks about her a lot. I have met her and would say she is not his usual type but i know that doesn’t mean anything.

He hasn't been doing his fair share at home and seems to be rug sweeping whenever there are awkward conversations at home.

We have 3 children, the youngest is 18months, not sleeping well. I’m exhausted and not sleeping very well myself, my day starts between 2-4 most mornings. He usually comes to bed at 2am (plays games console until then) and wakes around 6.30am. I have spoken to him about this and nothing changes. He does try and take our little one who will just scream with him.

I’m at breaking point and have started to look into seperation ( I haven’t discussed this with him yet)

[This message edited by Justkeepgoing26 at 1:07 PM, Monday, April 3rd]

posts: 51   ·   registered: Sep. 4th, 2020   ·   location: Uk
id 8785476

annb ( member #22386) posted at 11:37 AM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

Hi, trust your gut, it's usually right.

Gently, your husband had an affair. What in the world is he doing helping his boss (a female) with her personal responsibilities.

Once I found out about my WH affair, he literally no longer socialized on the job when women were involved AND stopped having any personal conversations with all female co-workers, completely professional and all business. He kept all women at arm's distance, I had access to his company emails and voicemails so I am confident he behaved professionally.

Even if this is not an affair, IMO your husband crossed boundaries. He needs to give his boss some excuse and let her take care of herself. It's not his job.

Have you checked phone records? Do you have a phone tracker.

Are you certain he's playing games to the wee hours of the morning or is he possibly chatting with his boss?

posts: 11970   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8785482

BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 12:16 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

Speaking as a WS, this sounds like trouble to me, too.


posts: 3537   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8785486

MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 3:21 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

Once I found out about my WH affair, he literally no longer socialized on the job when women were involved AND stopped having any personal conversations with all female co-workers, completely professional and all business. He kept all women at arm's distance, I had access to his company emails and voicemails so I am confident he behaved professionally.

This is basic 101 for WS recovery. He's not doing that.

There's a TON of red flags here. Your gut is screaming for a reason.

If it's not an active A, it's pretty far down the slippery slope.

What work did your WH do on himself after DDay?

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

posts: 1115   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8785495

CFme923 ( member #82955) posted at 3:24 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

I think it's important to listen to yourself. If this is not yet an affair, it's on the slippery slope. As a wayward he should recognize this isn't acceptable behavior and put up walls with his boss himself.

posts: 79   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2023
id 8785496

SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 4:02 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

I agree that you should trust your gut and that there are some pretty big red flags here.

I think separating is a good idea not only for the potential infidelity aspect of it, but also because he's acting like fourth child. He's in for a rude awakening when he has to do all of that labor by himself. And maybe you can get some dang sleep.

Let the world feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it.

posts: 582   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8785504

MegMeg ( member #79978) posted at 4:24 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

Sorry you're in this mess! Your situation smells bad to me.

I feel like my WH still has far to go but one thing we successfully changed after D-day was that we start sleeping together, in the same bed, during sleeping hours, at the same time. If he wanted to watch movies, etc., he could do that anytime, but we were married and that's what married people do. This is a low bar. I insisted on this from the start, though I was still swirling from the discovery, but I felt like I staked my claim as his wife and protected myself at the same time because I knew what he was up to during the night.

Go with him, with crying kids in tow, next time boss lady needs a ride. Otherwise, she can get an Uber like the rest of us.

This woman is his boss so it's not necessarily bad that he brings her up in conversation. But is this normal work stuff or does he talk about her personally. Is there ever any criticism of her or the usual boss bashing? Or is it all admiration and chummy talk?

I personally make accidental calls on and off, but my kids say this is a because I'm not so savvy using my phone and that young people rarely, if ever, do this.

Somehow you need to get some sleep so you can think clearly. Alone or together, you need to be strong, mentally and physically. Don't be the victim in this (even though you are, of course) but you'll be better off if your can take care of yourself and fight for your place as his spouse and mother of his children, or fight for freedom from your betrayer. Don't stay in the middle. I say this from experience. I, too, had 3 young children and looked at leaving. I didn't know of infidelity at the time but mine was not a supportive husband. I wish I'd been stronger, not a doormat, that I'd defined what I expected and needed from him at the time, got it, or just left him (which would have been the best choice.)

Love your kids, get help, get healthy, know that you can do this. Unfaithful, selfish men do not make good husbands or fathers, so don't stay for the kids. If he's screwing around again, leave him. Regardless of any infidelity, if WH doesn't step up after cluing him in about your needs, leave him.

Know that a better life awaits you after this. Suerte.

Me: BS | Him: WS | Children: Grown | Married: 36 years

posts: 94   ·   registered: Feb. 20th, 2022   ·   location: Pulling myself out of the mire
id 8785507

 Justkeepgoing26 (original poster member #75340) posted at 8:41 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

Thank you all for the replies.

I followed my gut instinct before and it turned out he was sleeping with a prostitute whilst on a training course away (previous job).

I have looked at his phone records this afternoon and nothing on there. No late night calls or unrecognisable numbers. However he does have a work phone which i don’t have access to.

I don’t have a phone tracker, we do use find my iPhone. I think he is playing games- he plays with my friends husband as she has made comments about them playing until early hours.

Affair recovery Work he did do; he has taken complete responsibility for what happened, it took a lot of digging to find out the truth but once I realised what had been happening he admitted it. He read a book about dealing with infidelity. I also think he is on this forum- there was a post in wayward section which I assume was him.

posts: 51   ·   registered: Sep. 4th, 2020   ·   location: Uk
id 8785554

This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 9:50 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

I'm a gamer. It's my main hobby to be honest. I play a decent amount of games and occasionally play after my wife has gone to sleep.

I don't play to 2 AM. I definitely don't do that on the regular, and there is no way I would play so late when our kids were little. This may be an addiction level issue. His gaming is impacting his sleep schedule and therefore all of his health and productivity. I know you have talked to him about it and nothing has changed, but he needs something closer to an intervention. You are not overreacting if you are trying to get him to have normal sleeping hours.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2494   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8785562

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:53 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

So he admitted to what you knew,and read a book.

He's not putting in the work. At all.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 5897   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8785563

 Justkeepgoing26 (original poster member #75340) posted at 7:26 AM on Wednesday, April 5th, 2023

I haven’t approached the conversation yet, I have been observing, taking everything in the last few days, hoping I’m wrong but the gut feeling is still there.

In response to previous questions. He has spoken in negative terms about her a few times, it seems like a lot of mentionitis. He mentioned her last night and again this morning but chatty conversation stuff. She owns the company along with another boss. She seems like good boss and the other one bad boss.

The gaming was reduced a lot, maybe to twice a week, we would spend the rest of the time together. He plays once the children and I are in bed, he does bed time with older children. It seems to have crept up again and it’s 5-6 nights a week, depending on how shattered he is from work.

I’m not overly sure how to approach this right now.

[This message edited by Justkeepgoing26 at 8:03 AM, Wednesday, April 5th]

posts: 51   ·   registered: Sep. 4th, 2020   ·   location: Uk
id 8785756
Topic is Sleeping.
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