SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It appears that your WW has reached a level of acceptance re the divorce? Is her offering intimacy a tactic to try to stop the D or just because? Did she fight you on this or accept D shortly after you told her?

OBS also surprised me by offering to get together if I wanted to "compare notes" or "receive comfort". At this stage, I know I'm not ready for that, and besides, in my view, both of us are still married (albeit separated), and those vows still mean something to me at least. OBS said she understood, and that if I wanted, once D is complete, asked me to "look her up" lol. *surprised*!

When my ex and I separated and I moved out, I was a complete mess emotionally. I blubbered and cried when I handed her my set of keys to what had been, until that day, our family home.

At the same time, I had already gotten into a highly sexual and quite dysfunctional rebound relationship with a beautiful woman. I can't say it was a good path or a bad path. Clearly, it was a distraction for both of us, a way to avoid addressing our respective elephants-in-room. However, in hindsight, the intense sex did a ton in terms of repairing my shattered self-esteem. Plus, it felt like a drink of water to a man dying of thirst in the desert after the sexual draught that I had endured during the cheating by my ex (by the time of separation, around a year). Thus, from my experience, you and OBS are fellow victims of the same trauma, both with broken self esteem, my recommendation would be to go for it with as much gusto as you can muster.

In my case, during our brief in-home separation as I took steps to secure a new home and plan my move, my ex moved into the guest room. Her AP was a frequent guest with her there, and they canoodled openly in front of me. It was truly awful. I felt some measure of taking my space back when I brought my new GF home with me for sex in the master bedroom, in the master bed, the same bed I was going to leave behind when I moved out. I made it a point to be as noisy as possible during the deed.

Just wanted to check in and ask how you've been holding up.

Your wife’s reaction certainly disproved all those people in your last post who considered your wife a "model WS" and a tragic figure.

I have no regrets over anything I said in his last thread. He wasn’t ready to call it, and sometimes you have to see it through until you are. The fact he did go on to sex therapy with her provided him clarity over a situation where he didn’t before.

And for what it’s worth, she isn’t the first ws to revert to behaviors of her youth in an affair. I think it still says nothing about her having deep seated sexual issues that she wasn’t faking. If she had been the sex therapist would not say it’s going to take so long to fix. So, this is not about control or faking something - she indeed has things she needs a professional to help her navigate. And he has been told that directly by the therapist. If this was make believe or pretend, she would have picked up in that too. No one said she was a tragic figure, but that she might have sexual dysfunction and she does.

That being said, it doesn’t mean he needed to accept these things in his marriage and he hasn’t which I agree is the best route for him personally. Something so big to overcome provides little guarantee she ever will.

I agree with hellfire and bigger- be separate. Do not continue to make her problems your own. In the off chance therapy brings her to the other side of this, that’s one thing but being drug through the rigors and details is wildly unnecessary. Focus on your coparenting, perhaps see your own therapist if you deem it necessary but I would not continue to engage in being entwined during this. I don’t think it can add value for either of you and detachment is a process that you need to be working on as you move towards the end of that year. Otherwise you will stay sicker in and you risk your empathy keeping you in something that is not healthy for you.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:48 PM, Tuesday, June 20th]

Double post

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:36 PM, Tuesday, June 20th]

How are you going Aspect North?
Did you want to give us an update?
Regards,
FAWH

Hi Guys - just a quick update on where things are at.

WW and I are still separated, living in separate bedrooms and co-parenting our children. Emotionally, I am up and down, have good days, bad days and a whole lot of 'meh' days, as my IC tells me, this is part of the grieving process for my marriage.

We are individually seeing our respective IC's and ST's, and I am certainly finding this to be extremely illuminating and helpful. I have discovered I have picked up a lot of sexual baggage over the years, with the inability to discuss sex openly and frankly as a very big one.

I had tiptoed around sex for so many years, trying to fit my desires into the tiny box WW had made for our sex life, I had become prudish in my own way. I feel I am making significant progress in this area.

WW flips between acceptance, anger, seductive bargaining, and with respect to the last one, apart from a couple of slip ups, I have mostly resisted the temptation. Lawyer assures me that I don't need to stress over the slip ups - which was a relief!

I have been on a date with OMW! Talk about a surreal experience. It was enjoyable, but we spent way too much time talking about our respective wayward partners, which we noted that clearly means we probably are not ready yet ready to jump back into that pool. We keep in touch with regular phone calls etc. and she (jokingly) requested that she have first right of refusal when I am ready to date again. Our discussions did illuminate and provide context to our understanding of the timeline of their affair. It is clear I have a much more detailed (and accurate) timeline of the affair than OMW. I must admit though that after learning of the varied and frequent nature of AP and OMW sex lives, I am finding it very difficult to understand why he felt the need to pursue my WW as well. AP is reportedly very remorseful and desperate to "repair the damage" with OMW - who is not at all interested, and is firm in their separation. (AP and OMW no longer co-habitate as WW and I are currently doing.) She said she does fantasise about coming over to "rub WW's face in it with me", but we both agree that at this time, such thoughts, as nice as they are, are probably not the most helpful.

I honestly did not expect the flood of emotions and blubbering mess I became the day I removed my wedding ring from my left hand. I felt almost naked without it, but at the same time, free? My IC suggested I wear it on my right hand, and I have considered that, but not yet. WW did NOT appreciate it when I asked for her ring. I am not sure if this is a hill I'm ready to die on, but I do feel strongly that she gave up any right to keep it when she stepped outside our marriage.

So, right now, all advice from lawyer is to stay the course, wait out the 12 months, finalise divorce with shared assets etc, and move on. Holding pattern, but moving up in the queue it seems.

Happy to take any advice in navigating this phase of things.

Thanks for following along I guess.

AN.

I must admit though that after learning of the varied and frequent nature of AP and OMW sex lives, I am finding it very difficult to understand why he felt the need to pursue my WW as well.

It's been said a million times, but affairs are not about the sex! The sex is a vehicle to being desired (aka ego kibbles). It seems we have no problem around here feeling our own ego deflation and loss of self-esteem overall when we find out our waywards had sex--WANTED to have sex--with someone else. We feel rejected and terrible, and everyone says how normal that is! But we cannot seem to accept that the reverse is also true--someone else wanting and willing to have sex with you--and all the bullsh$t compliments that come with that--gives you an oversized ego and makes you feel great about yourself.

It's obvious that NEITHER should be true when you are an emotionally healthy adult, but yet both are true unfortunately. Until we specifically work on separating our own view of ourselves from the choices other people make--the choice to turn toward us in acceptance or away from us in rejection--we reflexively derive ego from other people's desire or rejection. That is why the OM was interested in your WW. It wasn't the sex which could have been pretty pathetic (and often is); it was the feeling of being desired that he was chasing.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:57 PM, Tuesday, August 8th]

That is why the OM was interested in your WW. It wasn't the sex which could have been pretty pathetic (and often is)

Have you read the entire thread? WW opened up pandora’s box of sexual activities and went nuts with it with OM. The only "pathetic" sex was what she was willing to give OP - you know, her actual husband. There’s no way you can convince me the OM didn’t care about the sex. Curious how you got into his head and know this with certainty?

I don’t care how much smoke WW was blowing up OM’s ass - I guarantee you a big part of his motivation was in fact the sex. He would have walked without it and I think most everyone understands that.

Is it possible that om gave sex because that's what he thought WS wanted? As a class, aps's aren't known for thinking highly of themselves, and perhaps he thought sex was all he had to give.

I'm sure that is very possible, sisoon, and the possibility shouldn't be ignored. But at least what I felt from AN's description of this whole ordeal, it seemed that OM was doing the taking more than the giving.

Could OM and WW both have been 'giving' instead of taking? Again, I'm sure it's possible, but the description didn't seem that way. Obviously, they both took from the affair; It just seemed like OM 'took' more.