SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I have been together 18 years, married for a decade with two kids. She’s been having a physical and emotional affair. When it all came out she gave me full access to her phone and while it’s been hard to read, I’ve now gone through and read all their text messages. There was a lot of sexting and recently I’ve gone from being mad about it to getting turned on. My wife was way more uninhibited and loose in her language with this guy. I’m still so mad at her for what she did but so confused as to why I’m getting turned on. Does anyone know?

Welcome to SI, I'm sorry your WW has cheated on you. I cannot explain why it would turn you on but you definitely need IC (individual counselling). One explanation could be the initial shock, BS's usually go through HB (hysterical bonding). During HB its seems to be heightened feelings and like the best connection ever. It's not healthy and it doesn't last.

The shock wears off and the anger sets in, it kills the HB.

I can only tell you that it’s a completely normal response. A lot of people report that as one of the after effects.

I second what Tanner said, therapy is helpful for both parties after cheating. They probably could give you a better psychological explanation.

I would say for some people, their partners pleasure is always what turns them on. So while what she was doing is fucked up and you are reeling from it, it might just be an extension of that conditioning. I think like Tanner said it’s probably short lived but I remember a member who was here at three years out and he was still struggling with that aspect.

I wouldn’t judge yourself on it, read into it, or assume this is a kink for you. Nothing feels normal after being traumatized in this manner.

Perhaps you have a laten kink? Idk, but I'd certainly talk to a counselor. If you haven't told her about it yet, do not. She might somehow interpret that as permission to continue since "deep down inside you really like it". Not until you sort this out with a professional, keep it to yourself.

[This message edited by Never2late at 4:58 AM, Thursday, June 15th]

This is very common, and it's not something you need to feel shame about. I would suggest that you resist any urges to indulge yourself in it. I would also advise that although here is a safe place to discuss, it's probably not something you should tell or discuss with your wife.

Perhaps you have a laten kink? Idk, but I'd certainly talk to a counselor. If you haven't told her about it yet, do not. She might somehow interpret that as permission to continue since "deep down inside you really like it". Not until you sort this out with a professional, keep it to yourself.

Definitely second this. I once made the mistake of saying "it kind of turned me on for a second, thinking about you and him doing it, but just for a second" and I even followed up a few days later saying it was just a reaction and it actually pissed me off now and didn't turn me on at all...... After dday #2 I instantly got "but you said it turned you on so I thought it was OK!", and that remained a main defensive point during every argument after, and is probably still the excuse she tells to this day, and probably always will.

This is very common, and it's not something you need to feel shame about. I would suggest that you resist any urges to indulge yourself in it. I would also advise that although here is a safe place to discuss, it's probably not something you should tell or discuss with your wife.

You could do a lot worse than follow this advice. In fact, I suspect this is the best possible advice.

I suspect this is relatively common, especially for men.

I did not experience what you are experiencing, but I was hit really hard with hysterical bonding after my husband’s affair, and all I can say is that affairs can be deeply disorienting, sexually. I think when you’re in a long-term relationship with someone, you develop together, emotionally and sexually. If you’re monogamous across decades and have a healthy sexual relationship, your sexuality and arousal are deeply entwined with your partner’s. An affair is like lightning striking a complex electrical panel where the wires and circuits have been carefully built and connected over years. Sparks are going to fly all over the place, wires are ripped apart and crossed, and everything is a lot of noise and explosion and confusion. (To extend the metaphor and reflect on my own experience, after the initial crazy sparks, the electricity is going to go out for a while, and not come back on until you do the hard work of figuring out what made the panel vulnerable to a lightning strike, protecting it, repairing the damage, and painstakingly reconnecting the wires).

Don’t read too much into what you’re experiencing. Even if it’s a kink for you, latent or otherwise, I don’t think that’s a healthy way of conceptualizing it in the aftermath of an affair. What you’re looking to do, if you’re inclined to reconcile, is to heal and repair yourself, and then seek out healthy connection with your spouse if they’re worthy of it.

It’s ok to be disoriented and confused at this point. Do the best you can to take care of yourself and make it through day by day. You’re going to experience a very complicated set of contradictory emotions and desires. I would say don’t beat yourself up or feel ashamed, but also don’t indulge in the ones that seem unhealthy and unproductive.

It's called hysterical bonding...reclaiming what is rightfully yours (sex) in other words. When the anger sets in, and it will, HB usually slows drastically.

[This message edited by annb at 9:22 PM, Friday, June 16th]

Hi. BW here. I relate to this phenomenon.

Lots of things I've read stress that arousal and desire are separate, counterintuitive as that may be. Turned on doesn't mean you want it.

Could be HB. Also worth noting that the sexual area of the brain neighbors the part of the brain that deals with anger. When one area lights up, stray neural signals can end up lighting up the other. Educated guess, there's a lot of activity in the angry part of your brain now, that's a lot of opportunity for some accidental crosstalk with your arousal mechanisms.

I'm on team "Don't stress about this." Your reactions to infidelity are valid.

Sex and fear centres are quite close in the brain. Many times fear makes sex more exciting or sex can be scary. Many studies have been done on this phenomenon. On a kink side it has been found that many kinks are a way of turning your fear or pain into something sexual in order for you to have more control over it. Going through the trauma you have been experiencing it would not be far off to say this is one of the natural ways the brain tried to cope. Although disturbing, uncomfortable, and very hurtful, It is normal and something you should talk out. For some reason the brain likes to relieve trauma over and over again to try and come up with a different outcome. You get stuck in a loop because no matter how hard you try you could never change your SO’s behaviour. Not only do we have to live with the betrayal but we get to live with the constant joy of it creeping into are lives over and over again. Get some help and take it seriously. It sucks.

It is normal and something you should talk out.[/quot...but with WS I presume...with a counselor who knows about these things.