SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Apologies if this post is not organized in the slightest. I kind of want to journal, but my journal doesn’t talk back to me, so here I am.

I know everyone says "You can’t possibly know how you’d react to infidelity if it was committed against you," and I’m sure that’s correct… It’s just really, really, really difficult for me to believe that I would have as… turbulent of a reaction as most people do. The idea of my H having sex or a relationship with someone else really doesn’t bother me at all, and I feel like as long as my needs were being met and our QOL together didn’t decrease, or he went starting a new family, or there was danger of him leaving us… Then what’s really the big deal?

I understand people feel differently, and that’s not a choice for them. I’ve seen polyamorous people absolutely torture themselves trying to consciously and rationally"ascend" from jealousy and possessiveness, believing that offering their non-monogamous partner that freedom to engage with others is the ultimate form of love… They just don’t ever seem to get there. It seems like they just shove that pain deep down and never address it until the relationship inevitably ends. Whereas "successfully" poly couples seem not to experience that pain in the first place. Maybe I just fall into that latter category? And H, while not a very strict monogamist, would fall into the former.

I just find myself kind of wishing I could feel that kind of jealousy and pain, even though I know it’s gotta be hell. I feel like I just can’t empathize fully with BH’s feelings, and I want to be able to do that. This is going to sound really, really bad but…If I’m being completely honest, sometimes I catch myself reading posts here, often from people who have been in the R&R process for multiple decades, and wondering if they’re being "dramatic." Logically, I know they’re not. I mean, I’ve been away from my abusive parent for over a decade and I’m still experiencing deep pain from what happened to me, so it follows that someone who experienced infidelity from their loved one might feel that way too… I am just struggling to find the emotional understanding for it. I hear people’s words for what they’re feeling, but the words aren’t producing the same feelings in me, and I just can’t imagine feeling the same way in their shoes.

I worry that might be my and BH’s situation someday. I empathize well enough with him in the moments when he’s obviously triggered presently, and I have zero desire to put a deadline on his healing, by any means. But in 10, 20, 30 years from years from now if he’s triggered, will I internally roll my eyes and think "STILL???" I don’t want that to be the case for either of us. I wonder if it also has anything to do with my complete inability to hold a grudge… But pain is different from holding a grudge, isn’t it? One is feeling hurt, and the other is feeling hurt and angry about it.

I have been struggling a lot with a long depressive episode and obsessive thoughts (most often about chickens— I fckn love my birbies. I built them a whole playground yesterday— but it’s edging into other self-sustainment projects. You know, in case the apocalypse comes… Another manifestation of insecurity, I’m sure.) I feel like I’ve hit a roadblock with the self-love thing, and I’ve reverted to relying on BH for help with feeling loved and desired… But is that really an unreasonable thing to want from your spouse?? He’s doing an outstanding job either way. (If you’re reading this, I love you babydoll. I’m sorry about the previous paragraph. Thanks for being so patient with me; I’m trying to snap out of it.)

I feel like our MC abandoned us. He texted me to ask if we had scheduled for this week, and I said "No, not yet," and all he said was "No worries." I was expecting him to offer some available time slots, but he didn’t. Nor did he when I asked what time slots he had available a day later… Do we have to change MCs again? I hate this. I know I should just be a big girl about it and use my words with him, but it feels so yucky.

I find myself missing boot camp a little bit, which is probably one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever felt. I’m also half hoping this upcoming service period doesn’t get cancelled; I want to be out there with my people, sleeping under the stars and doing good work even though we’re sleep deprived. I guess I miss suffering together with others, having structure, being forced to self-improve whether I feel motivated to or not (staying fit was so easy! Running along the shoreline while the sun rises all around you, laughing inside while your DI’s struggle to keep up with you?? Pure gold! Exhilarating!), and appreciating basic creature comforts after they’ve been taken away… I need to find a way to bring that to my life while I’m being a civilian.

I think different people have different ideas of what constitutes marriage and what they want out of a relationship. Some people are very contractual about marriage, they want status, appearance, money. Others want companionship, to help each other through life, others have a religious viewpoint, others place great meaning on sex and emotional interactions. And there are probably other combinations too. You and your husband apparently fundamentally don't agree on how you view marriage, and therefore how you would view adultery. I call it adultery because that's how we classify it in our society, you might call it another external relationship? or some other phrase. If one of you is really interested in pursuing other relationships and the other is not, that's not going to work out long term. You just are not on the same page about this issue. It's not something debatable, you either are or aren't. If you really don't care if your husband has sex with other people, then...you don't care. I don't understand that myself. But to be happy, you might need to be with someone who thinks like that and he might need someone who values traditional fidelity. Traditional fidelity ensures a lot of things - it puts a seal on the marriage and sexual feelings, it gives an automatic outlet for those into which that and romantic feelings should be poured. Not parceled out to various people. The energy you give to others is energy you don't give to your spouse, IMO. It takes away from the marriage. Also, there is fear of comparisons - am I as attractive, as good in bed, is my equipment as...fulfilling? Inherently it creates opportunities for comparison. It creates potential for secret feelings and emotions you don't share, maybe can't share, maybe aren't even aware of, with another person, not your spouse. This breaks down a marriage. Generally speaking, the more people you invite into any activity, the less special it is especially something as intimate as sex. There's Romeo and Juliet, but not Romeo, Juliet and Steve. I don't hear love songs about Romeo, Juliet and Steve....that doesn't happen. It's not what most people want.

Maybe if your husband were secretly engaged in a relationship with another woman you might understand it better because you might actually experience what it's like for your partner to have secrets, or to spend time and energy and sex with another person, to have to deal with comparisons, to wonder if he might eventually prefer her or decide on her. Infidelity and polygamy open up marriage, which is the basis for building a healthy and stable current and future society, for chaos. In the Bible for example, there are several examples of how badly polygamy worked out for everyone - in general it doesn't. In fact, almost every example IN THE BIBLE of polygamy, which was legal of course, worked out very badly in various ways. It's not a practical basis for healthy happy marriages, it creates too many potential issues and problems, and opportunities for bad feelings. Keep it simple is always the best way through life.

You may genuinely not feel sexual or romantic jealousy but maybe it's just that you haven't really been in a situation that challenged you the way it challenges most of us. I think you just have to accept that this is how your husband feels even if you currently can't understand it, and how most of us feel, and that you have to deal with that reality. Or find someone who has your way of thinking. How much do you really want to share your husband and would you want to be doing it without knowing, with him in secrecy about it? It also makes you question how much you really know this person as a whole who can be so deceitful to you about this one area that can involve a lot of lying, changed behavior, discarding, financial deceit and other things that can arise. Even more than perhaps the sexual infidelity.....deceit and the sense that you can no longer fully trust your spouse is a marriage killer.

I mean, the thing is, I don’t have any interest in other people. I didn’t set out to find a partner with whom to have an affair. Even when it was going on, I wanted the things that the AP was giving me to come from BH… Most of the time I don’t have any issues shutting down solicitation from others, but apparently I have a pattern of accepting the advances from those who make me feel loved and desired when I feel like I’m in danger of being abandoned by BH. Before the A started, I wasn’t completely cognizant that I was feeling that way, and I assumed that I wasn’t capable of committing infidelity…

This allowed me to catch feelings for the AP, go down the slippery slope of rationalizations in order to continue interacting with him, cross the line into affair territory, and then eventually it seemed impossible to stop talking with him. I tried multiple times to quit. I tried to communicate with BH about what it was I needed from him, but he was withdrawing because he sensed I was having an A. That just made me feel more abandoned and afraid to let go of AP in an awful, ugly, mutually reinforcing cycle, until the cat was out of the bag… On D-Day, I was shocked into finally going NC with AP. To me, it was never a contest between AP and BH; BH is all I’ve ever truly wanted.

Essentially, I don’t really need monogamy from BH, but I know he needs at least romantic monogamy (and some restrictions on sexual activity with others) from me, and I’m perfectly okay with that. I don’t actually need or actively desire anyone else. Because of this, I don’t think we are actually misaligned in terms of what marriage means or the kind of fidelity we each require… If it was the case that I fundamentally couldn’t be happy respecting his boundaries, I wouldn’t have committed to him for the rest of my life. But I can be, and so I did… I just need to work out some character defects, trauma, and unhealthy coping mechanisms, is all.

Easy peasy right? 😅

Also: there should never be secrecy or deceit in a marriage, of course. But to me, I don’t feel like our sex or intimacy becomes any less "special" if there’s more people involved. Sure, time and energy are limited resources, but love and sex are basically unlimited. I’m quite certain that sex with other people is never going to be as good as it is with BH, and it just doesn’t seem to bother me when he does it with someone else. And if he loved more than one woman, it wouldn’t necessarily mean that he loves me any less. It’s kind of like when you have another child or adopt a new dog; your love for your previous children/dogs doesn’t diminish, but rather it grows with the addition. Each recipient of love is deserving of it for their own unique reasons…Naturally, it can be tricky to meet multiple partners needs if you have a limited amount of energy time to spend with them, but if that was all in order… why not?

But that’s just my feelings on the matter; it’s okay if others feel differently. It just doesn’t make it so easy to empathize properly, is all.

Edited for clarity

[This message edited by DayByDay96 at 10:56 PM, Thursday, October 9th]

I sense that you have a lot of regrets that you're trying to rationalize. I don't mean that harshly, it's just what I sense.
I think you're actually depicting in your story some of what I was trying to get across....that instead of getting needs fulfilled - or trying to work it out or demand it - you got your needs fulfilled by AP and it put the strain on your marriage. This is what happens in affairs....there actually IS, IMO, limited energies and emotions, just as there is limited everything else in the world - time, money, etc. and when we focus on one thing or person, we inevitably take from something else because we can't be all things to all people all the time. I think you may have some feelings towards any child or any pet....but when you spend special time and energy and meaningful interactions more with one than the other. Children get very jealous if they sense any kind of preferential treatment - or even sharing a loved one, and so do animals. Animals can get very jealous too. It's not even just a human thing. Having more than one ALWAYS sets up competition and we can see this in almost any polygamous relationship including societies that allow this - even if they deny feeling this way, if you observe, you will see it. The origins of it are debatable, there could be different reasons, but it's there.

I think you're concerned that your husband is not getting "over this" as quickly as you think he should, or that as you said originally, he is being "too dramatic" about your affair? I don't think this is something you can ascribe to him, it's kind of like telling a cancer patient.....you big baby, it doesn't hurt that much! How can you know if you haven't experienced it?
I would just accept that this IS the way he feels whether you really understand it or not, and that if this were me, I would work to make him feel as appreciated and secure as possible, and also try to earn back his trust.

People may value (or not value) things we don't understand but that doesn't mean they don't lack central importance in their lives or a relationship. We may think something is ridiculous but if the other person feels it is important, we have to honor that if we want to have a certain relationship with them.

I don't know if this is helpful to you and I don't mean to demean your thinking either, I'm just trying to explain how I, or possibly your husband, might see this.

I’m certainly not claiming to have juggled my marriage and the affair well at all; enough of the normal practices were falling by the wayside for BH to notice a change in me and in our marriage practically immediately. He clocked it right away.

I’m only saying that if he was able to maintain both an extramarital relationship and our marriage, such that I didn’t notice a difference in our QOL together, and I still had all my needs met, then I just don’t think I would have a problem with it ? (Of course, the probability of that happening with his current work/life balance is unlikely, but hypothetically)That’s what’s making it hard for me to empathize.

But does that make any difference, though? If I had been able to juggle both relationships such that he didn’t suspect anything, would he be hurting less right now? Would he feel more cared for and sure of my love for him? Or would he be blindsided, have a greater sense of betrayal, and even less trust in me because it would seem like I’m an even more skilled liar, to be able to maintain appearances so well while leading a double life…? I would ask him what he thinks, but then again, how could anyone know the answer to that?

Maybe I’m trying to compare hypothetical apples to oranges by comparing a duplicitous affair with an out-in-the-open, lopsided ENM situation, but I still just struggle to see it as such a big deal if it were to happen to me… I think back to a time in the relationship where he moved back in with his ex-wife (to be in the home with their two children) while still being in a relationship with me, somehow, without clueing me in at all to that decision, and only realizing that, and that he wasn’t nearly as committed to me as I was to him, when I told him I was unexpectedly pregnant and the look on his face was that of a man who was just told WWIII was starting right there in our town… I don’t think I processed exactly all of that until several years later, but even those terrible feelings still didn’t last more than a couple days. I can’t really come up with any similar experiences at all, as much as I try. I want to understand BH’s pain. I’m not attempting to rationalize my infidelity. There were no rational actions taken during the affair.

Children get very jealous if they sense any kind of preferential treatment - or even sharing a loved one, and so do animals. Animals can get very jealous too. It's not even just a human thing.

Right, but that speaks to the children’s/animal’s feelings about whether they feel loved, important, special, treated fairly, etc., not to how the parent/pet owner feels about them. What I’m trying to get at is IF I still got enough quality time, affection, connection, sex, etc., from BH, and I felt loved/important/special, I just don’t think I would mind sharing him. The thought doesn’t repulse me the way it seems to repulse others. That’s what I’m trying to get at; I can’t summon the same phantom feelings about that piece of the puzzle— about that particular aspect of infidelity trauma in general.

It feels like a huge handicap when trying to reconcile.

I think you're concerned that your husband is not getting "over this" as quickly as you think he should, or that as you said originally, he is being "too dramatic" about your affair?

No; it’s only been (does math…) less than 3 months since D-Day. I expect it will take years to reach a point we would consider fully R&R’ed… I’m a little worried that decades later he will still feel the effects, like some members here, and I’ll have that "Ugh, really? It’s been like, forever!" internal response. Surely that’s got to be the result of a lack of resources to deal with this effectively, and/or repeated instances of infidelity and multiple false starts…? Surely we’ll fare better than that with the proper support and no more infidelity on my part going forward ?