SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You have a few of these posts where you are questioning what you believe in and value around monogamy and attention seeking. There's a process we go through when we change a habit or behavior or establish a new behavior. It includes a contemplation phase where we think through the benefits of both sides and decide if we want to proceed. It's pretty commonly written about. You can look it up if you're interested. You present yourself like you had decided what you wanted to change previously, but now you are re-thinking and regressing backwards to the contemplation stage.

In reality though, it seems like you are at the stage where you've realized that change is hard, and you're playing mind games to convince yourself that maybe you won't prefer the benefits that come with change (although you know you do) because you either are scared of the work or don't want to do it or you will miss the alternative. That's my impression though. You know yourself.

When I say I value a clean house or tell my husband I would like it if he valued a clean house, I don't mean that I like cleaning or I want him to start to like cleaning. I mean I want him to put resources and time into it because he values it. Same with his health or other life areas. If he were an alcoholic, I would probably tell him I couldn't tolerate being with him if he didn't highly value sobriety. It's not an expectation for him to never have an urge to drink though.

Similarly, If I tell him I want a partner that values monogamy, I don't mean one who is never attracted to someone else or doesn't like a beautiful and interesting person showing them attention. I want them to value the marriage and monogamy above the benefits of engaging in those other behaviors.

But really, I think you know this. If not, why didn't you enthusiastically say yes when your BH proposed opening the marriage? It's because you knew that it would not benefit you. It's clever of him to have proposed it, because it's your decision now. Frankly, I wonder if your rational with the arguments and mind games is setting it up so if you fail, you can blame it on him for having unreasonable expectations. Maybe you're even doing it unconsciously to yourself. Again, this is all just written to give you something to think over. Only you know what you think.

I have a lot of the same impressions here as kitchendepth. I like the framing of that post and it will help me answer the question you asked me earlier in this post.

You asked how I reached the point that I could start interpreting things that my husband does as romantic that may not fit the mood of what we traditionally think is as romantic.

But my answer was in the post. It starts here with contemplation of values and what is important. And by the way, I don’t think there is a wrong or right way to believe or value, but not hurting people is important as well as finding someone who fits your sensibilities can be in order.

I too had to dig to contemplate all of these things. I remember debating much of it here in this site. Sometimes to get to your truth and authentic self you have to keep peeling the layers. I see that is effort and any floundering you do part of the process. Almost all of us push forward and then regress and then push forward and get a bit further. So if anything I can say that you are being brave in showing that as part of the process.

My husband and I have an age gap, not as significant as yours but we do have ten years. I have some idea that why I was drawn to him had some to do with security in he had way more figured out and was more established in his life. I don’t mean from a monetary sense more so he was an adultier adult, if that makes sense. He was my rock. And he still is in many ways, but with far more balance to it.

But in some ways, I had a lot of development to do and in some ways I had been protected from that for a long time. I was 40 before I started asking the questions you are now. And it was in the aftermath of my affair. It took the last 8 years to really come into who I am in a way that I could only call spiritual growth. I discovered things that I didn’t like about myself, and at times that was very painful and awkward to practice my way out of. But digging up the roots of it was cathartic, instead of seeing myself as bad (which you don’t really seem to have that same problem) I could start to actually say "no wonder that was the way I approached it. That way doesn’t work for me anymore and that’s where the rubber meets the road. I have had several rounds and reiterations of the contemplative stages where I am truly challenging myself to say is this what I really want, is this over here making me happy?

Eventually that balanced my need for validation. I no longer cared about the same things. What my life’s happiness is based on gratitude for what is and not focusing on the lack. Being tuned in to what it is that I want to be doing or having or experiencing and not having the room anymore for comparison, people pleasing and keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself. We may not have the same problems, you and I but there are universal factors that can change the force of direction.

You seem to feel you want to be married, but I even allowed that to be contemplated. Did I want to be married to him? Why? What did I want a marriage to look like? What would the alternatives be. That was a little harder because I described earlier to you that he was kind of my security blanket, and I needed to see him for more than that. It hadn’t always been that way our whole marriage, I mean I made plenty of money, it more was like he anchored me. I stopped seeing that anchor as him and started seeing myself as my own anchor and what he contributes to my life as a bonus. When you get to being with someone so young it’s hard to imagine going off on your own. It helped me to be able to see that was possible and helped define new boundaries in what my expectations were of him and our relationship.

Then to just be appreciative. Whether it’s over he texts to see if I need anything while I am out, to taking care of me when I am sick, there are hundreds of practical ways he shows his love. He might not buy me flowers and expensive jewelry, or seeep me off my feet…which some people see as romance but he will set up a greenhouse for me and take care of hooking up the utilities. And that’s romantic. We started thanking each other much more and truly notice more that the other does all the time that shows love. I cook dinner almost every night, on my own there would be a lot more sandwiches - he see that as me showing my love and it’s true that’s what I am doing.

Not sure if that helps.