So I think I did a little of this at one point. I will say that my affair was probably more geared as an exit affair and for a while I was operating sort of like he was - trying to assess if I even wanted to stay in the marriage.
At some point it dawned on me, I don’t give him really any options before I went to cheating. Most of the things I was resentful about I hadn’t had one constructive conversation about with him. I had some where I blew up and cried, and he really didn’t know what to make of it.
One thing that helped me was to realize moving forward transparency meant that I need to share things in the moment. As I started to correct this avoidant way of dealing with our problems, I gained confidence that I didn’t need for him to acknowledge any of it, in fact, it was all historical and couldn’t be changed. However, moving forward I would have my own back on these things. I would stand my ground on what was important.
Cheating didn’t solve anything, it made it worse.
Cheating wasn’t the natural outcome, it was a faulty way I had of coping.
Cheating was unilateral decision I made instead of being curious as to why I was unhappy, being able to state those things, and us work together on them.
It sometimes is the only way a ws has self compassion for their decision - to be able to tell ourselves that story. But until we leave our partner out of it and realize we are all responsible for our own feelings, including happiness or unhappiness, then we can’t begin the work needed to make the changes that will stabilize not just ourselves but the relationship.
Whys and hows should exclusively be on the ws, and until they can take accountability for the ways their thinking is distorted there is no way to change it. We can only change what we acknowledge.
You are right to be upset and you are right she needs to get this part. Fixing the relationships now doesn’t fix how she copes with things and you need some sort of way to understand that even if you do things that make her unhappy why she won’t choose cheating as the way to fix that with her. Maybe state it that way because her thinking is illogical. Self awareness is a big part of the ws’s needed journey.
