SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

New to this site . Just found out on Thursday morning my wife has had an affair. A little back story, she has been in therepy for a while and has been going through changes trying to find herself. Hair cut , different clothes , hanging out with her girlfriends. She is still in a very numbed out spot of depression I believe. Anyway , about 2 years ago she had met a co worker friend who she enjoyed talking too. As time passed , something just didn't feel proper about anything. They would talk on snap chat and we're into gaming and such together. They went to the same gym and work in the same place but different departments . They could both be fired if anyone found out about the A . I told her my worried and concerns and how I felt and she naturally blew me off like it didn't matter. Just a friend , nothing to worry about. I dropped my guard as I trusted her . Stuff kept feeling worse and worse. Anyway , I can talk for days on this and That. Thursday morning my daughter made a comment about , mom sent herself messages from my phone , my wife was asleep so I asked to see them. Basically it was photos of Snapchat with her AP, this same guy. Basically saying he wants it to be over and he is testing her to make sure she respects his boundries. The guy is a total POS . Anyway , first message I read is him saying " a married women having sex with someone in the gym showers or in her truck behind the gym , I don't know if that's adrenaline or what I don't understand. So right there I know she has been sexually active. I called her on this and initially she denied it but once I told her I have proof , she admitted it. According to her it was over a span of 3 months and happened 5 to 7 times which shouldn't matter anyway .

Now let me be perfectly clear , our marriage was not in a good spot and I'll be the first to admit most of our marriage I was a total POS to her. She put up with too much. I will admit I've abused her mentally , emotionally and verbally. I've made her feel unsafe in her home but she never left. I have been working the last year to correct myself and become a better person , husband and father. I'm in therepy and am currently 15 months completey sober. I felt I was making great progress but this has taken the wind out of me. I want to reconcile and try and fix things as we have children and a general good life. She made it clear she knows she can't afford to be on her own . Part of me thinks I deserve this for how I've treated her and I will say we both have admitted we have brought huge problems to this marriage. We both have our faults. I have made it clear to her I am a firm believer in 2nd chances but there won't be a 3rd . She has given me so many chances , I feel like I probley should figure out how to forgive.

I told her to cut off contact immediately and because right now she can't find another job , do not have any contact unless work related. She agreed and says she has not contacted him at all. When she blocked him, I guess he called her and was remorseful now knowing I know. Saying they shouldn't have gotten so close , shouldn't have added each other to snap. Etc etc

Right now I have mental photos and video . It's killing me. She has answered a few questions very willingly and a few she seems confused and says I don't know the true reason. Being how cold , numb and depressed she has been , without peace and safety in her own home , this doesn't surprise me .

Guess I just wanted to vent. Right now I know I'd like to reconcile but have little idea of that's possible. Right now I'm just numb , still in shock and don't know how to process or continue. I want to scream and cry but I'm locked up like a safe. I don't know what to do

Thank you all for listening.

Welcome to SI, I’m sorry you are going through this. There is a lot of experience here tap in to.

Do not blame yourself for her infidelity, it’s not your fault. She chose to lie and cheat instead of stepping up to fix the marriage. You cannot begin to consider R until you have all the information. She needs to give you written timeline of who, what, when, where, and how. You both should get individual counseling, not couples counseling at this time.

I wish you the best on this journey none of us chose.

So sorry you find yourself here. However, you will find a source of comfort here amongst we internet strangers.

I agree with Tanner. You did not cheat. Your marriage did not cheat. It was your wife who cheated, so don't hold yourself responsible for the choices she made and she alone. There were many options available to her and she decided to choose the wrong one.

There is a good Healing Library here. One article you should read first is the Tactical Primer:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/tactical-primer/

I know you want to reconcile, but if I can give you any advice it would be to take your time and be very, very slow in making a lifetime decision. I know you can see the wisdom in that.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 7:12 PM, Saturday, March 7th]

Mustang, so sorry you are going through this, it's the worst, most confusing, most upsetting, bewildering experience most people will ever go through. I'm sure other folks will be by to give you some ideas and some consolation. Not at my best today, but I wanted to let you know, like Tanner, that you've been heard and we care. Please look through the site - you'll see so many people who have gone through things, very similar to what you are now. Your feelings are very normal.

As for your wife's infidelity....well, personally I am not in favor of opposite sex friendship, that's a general statement, because these things often start as friendships and the most component of male-female relationships, of a similar age, is attraction. We may deny it, but I think there's always a little something and the more we engage in it and the deeper we get, the deeper it can go. I think this is something to be avoided generally or we should always try to be aware of the potential. It's something our society tries to deny now and because we do.....people fall into affairs. A sympathetic ear from an appreciative and attractive friend so easily leads to other things. If it is consoling to you at all, I would say I doubt if your wife went looking for this, I think she fell into this mistake of having an opposite sex friend who became a little too convenient. We all have to guard against this, IMO. So I don't think she was actively looking for this or planning it....I think she fell into it and it probably made her feel good about herself in ways she had not experienced perhaps for a long time, and I don't mean physically, I mean emotionally. Often the sex in these relationships isn't even very good, it's what people get out of them emotionally.

I think your wife fell into something that she thought she could handle but she really couldn't and then it's hard to cut off something that makes you feel good about yourself, especially if you haven't for a long time. It sounds like you caught this fairly early, which is a great thing as...the longer if goes on, the deeper the roots go.

I hear what you're saying about your own role in this and I think it's enormous that you are willing to face up and acknowledge that there are problems on your side too that might have weakened her to develop this relationship. While nothing justified cheating, it certainly helps to explain it and is a factor. If you are both willing to look at yourselves and try to work out your problems together, you might be able to get through this. It's very hard though, I think in some ways harder for men because men seem to be more subject to mind pictures.

You will be seeing more responses with more ideas and experiences, we all have our perspectives, and I think you will find them useful and supportive. Just know that no matter what happens, no matter what you decide, there is no wrong answer here, and you have to do what's best for you ultimately. The sense of what that is will emerge as you recover from this shock. Be easy on yourself, take good care of yourself at this time - get enough good food, water, rest, because this is a shock to the mind and body- don't underestimate that.

Just want to say very sorry you are here but you will receive good support.

Take care of you. Maintain your sobriety. Don't let her poor decisions ruin your making positive changes in your life. It is admirable that you want to work on becoming a better person, a better partner. But do it for you. Don't do it in a misplaced belief that if you change it will keep her from cheating again. It won't.

She cheated because she is broken. She cheated due to her own issues. She has to work on herself if she wants to try and rebuild your trust. Watch her actions and not her words. Read in the healing library. Get tested for STDs. Always value yourself. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:24 PM, Saturday, March 7th]

I agree with the others. Her cheating is not your fault. She had many other options, up to and including filing for divorce if the marriage was as rocky as you described. She made the wrong choices, and I will stand by what I've said many times here. There is never an excuse for infidelity. It's just wrong. 2 wrongs don't make a right, and no marriage or relationship is fixed or made better by bringing a third party into the picture. I'm so sorry you've found yourself here.

However, some of the language you used to describe your part in the relationship is somewhat concerning. That said, congratulations on your sobriety. I know first hand how difficult it can be to stop drinking. I'm about 12 years sober myself, and I was a chronic alcoholic for most of my life. I truly hope you stick with it. 15 months is a hell of an accomplishment. I hope you stay in counseling and continue to work on the issues that led to the abusive behavior you described. I'm a firm believer people can change and in giving second chances as well. You can do this. I know you can because I did, and I was a very heavy drinker.

It sounds like the both of you have some work to do if there's a chance to salvage this relationship. You focus on you. Make yourself a better person for your own sake. If things don't work out with your wife you can be a better partner for someone else down the road. If they do work out then you'll be a better partner for your wife, which from what I can tell, that's your goal. It takes some balls and humility to admit your faults, even to a group of strangers. I respect that.

Your wife has some work to do, too, to figure out what's broken or missing in her that led her to conclude infidelity was a good idea. Once you guys get to a better spot hopefully you can work together to improve your marriage. It won't be easy tho. I also know first hand how traumatizing infidelity is. It sucks and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Just hang in there, and focus on healing yourself. You'll be on an emotional roller coaster for a while. Healing from infidelity takes longer than anyone wants it to, but it does get better with time. Good luck, man.

[This message edited by Pogre at 9:12 PM, Saturday, March 7th]