It’s been nearly a year since the first dday. A lot has happened and a lot I haven’t shared. Ex is still living with me and wanting to make ago, he now has totally changed from not wanting to unlock his phone etc.. I’m certain the affair has finished and how he talks about it if I asked is more open and he seems to be out of the fog so to speak.
The only problem is I don’t think I feel the same anymore towards him, I’m not sure if the reality has finally sunken in for me or what. I can’t forgive him for cheating the lies or anything he did last year. He chose her over and over at every opportunity. I’ve tried to understand and make excuses for him but I just can’t. We get along and it’s a jolt out of no where him and her together, we get intimate and sometimes during there it is again or afterwards. Him and her. I feel he compares my body to hers, she’s a lot younger and no kids. I still do love him and very much attracted to him but it’s there the affair and I can’t see it ever going away.
Everyday this year all I think is ‘such and such happened this time last year’ for example it’s coming up to when we fell out and he first stayed the night at hers.
I feel really guilty to towards him and my children that I can’t continue the relationship with him. I feel guilty because he has no family we are his family and he will have nothing. But then remember he didn’t care about that last year at all. I know my kids will be fine but I just feel so much guilt. I know I’m not to blame but I feel I am. I’ve considered staying till my youngest is older but feel it’s easier to start over in my 30s than in my 50s. And why should I live like this when it was forced upon me?
Before this and now I know I’m not a person that can forgive at all I do hold grudges and will cut people off. During his affair last year I would have done anything for him to stop and I think I would have gotten over it at the start but he continued so I think that’s made it harder.
I’ve rambled on abit, I think what I’m asking is how do I stop the guilt feeling? How do I stop feeling sorry for ex? He thinks in time I will feel differently towards him but I really can’t see him in my future anymore where as before all this I never imagined him not being in my future.
