SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The Rock and the Hard Place of Reconciliation

As the betrayed partner, the Rock is that I’ve had to face several bottom line truths.

First, that my spouse was actually in love with the OP…and, the reality of what being in love means.

She experienced the passions and heat and feelings of new love…all the wonderful, fairytale feelings that are written and sung about. She once described her love for the OP in this way…"every day was like a walk in a beautiful meadow in the sunshine".

My spouse was deeply connected to the OP - met and socialized with his golf buddies, met his children, was shown off by the OP to friends at parties who congratulated him on having such a gorgeous lover, shared the OP’s problems and joys, illness and doctor visits.

In other words, although the affair was not a long one, it was hot and deep…not nearly as long as our 50 year marriage, but almost as deep and, it hurts to know this, hotter.

These realizations have forced me to erase and rewrite my perception of my spouses’ character. For example, I can no longer think of her as totally honest, trustworthy, and committed; for my own safety, I’ve had to change my perception to potentially dishonest, deceitful, and transactional. Living day by day with this person that I (at times) no longer recognize is painful and unsettling to the point of making me doubt my sanity.

Perhaps the hardest mental change, but also the most freeing, is that I’ve had to recognize that, even as I am hurting from the trauma of betrayal, my spouse is also hurting from the pain of lost love. That the affair was a childish, impossible fantasy does not change the emotional reality for both of us - my spouse felt, and sometimes still feels, pain and distress at lost love for and with the OP.

For my spouse, the Hard Place is society’s judgement that infidelity is immoral, that the betrayer should feel terribly guilty. And, for the guilty party, there are strict penalties and clear expectations during reconciliation. The betrayer must cease all contact, destroy all evidence, and erase all feelings for the OP. And, must agree without question to all demands from the betrayed spouse. Any emotional hurt that the betrayer feels or expresses for the loss of the love of the OP is out of bounds, another hurtful betrayal - unfair to bring up, unworthy of consideration.

At first, I bought into this social judgement and the expectations governing reconciliation. But, the truth is that understanding my spouses’ emotional hurt at the ending of the love affair forces me re-evaluate how I think about the path to reconciliation. And, even though it seems fair to assign guilt, it’s unrealistic to expect that she (or, anyone) will be able to cut all emotional ties and cease all thoughts and feelings for the OP…certainly not immediately or overnight, but, not even with the passage of time.

Worst of all, my spouse has not yet come to grips with her bottom line - still does not recognize or understand the mental steps that led her to be OK with bringing an affair into our lives - with all the chaos and hurt to me and potential for destruction of our marriage. This lack of self-reflection is a constant roadblock to reconciliation - for me, as long as my spouse stays willingly in the dark, I don’t feel entirely safe. Impossibly, an affair happened…without self-knowledge, it could happen again.

Both of us are hurting, caught between a Rock and a Hard Place.
And, living day to day with this reality is monumentally difficult without visiting some very dark places in our minds from time to time. I’m pretty certain that our hurts will not disappear with the years…I expect that we will both carry them in some fashion for the rest of our lives.

For married partners, the Rock and the Hard Place of the end of an affair is that, while both have always leaned on each other for understanding and support during hard times, the trust that supported the marriage is shattered. Both the betrayed and betraying partner can no longer lean each other for understanding, support, and for help. If both decide that the marriage is worth saving, bridging this gap and becoming a team again is a long, painful struggle.

The way I think of my side is that the worst part was the shattering of some illusions I had maintained for 45 years. That means acknowledging a lot of mistakes, never much fun. :-)

My W underwent(?) 3-5 weeks of slowly waking up, so on d-day, the only feelings she had for ow were around the damage she had done to her (and to herself). I could accept that; I didn't have to deal with her pining away for ow.

From what you write, it looks like d-day came more abruptly. I'll say I have little sympathy for WSes who miss their aps. Having said that, IMO, it's a good idea to let the WS deal with their own shit. Fel bad about losing their ap? They shouldn't need help finding a suitcase and the door. No suitcase? Plastic bags from a convenience store will work.

IOW, my reco is to deal with your own pain, and let your WS deal with theirs. You heal you. Feel your feelings. Figure out waht you want. If you want R, observe your WS to find out how good a candidate for R they are.

WS has to heal WS. No one can heal you accept you. No one can heal your W accept your WS. If either of you want support, ask for it, and specify the support you want when you ask for it.

I'd focus on each moment. What are you feeling ATM? What are you thinking ATM? What do you want ATM?

Philosophizing may be hard to avoid, but it usually short circuits healing. Focusing on what is going on with your WS is hard to avoid, but that, too, short circuits healing - healing will come from you, not from figuring out what she thinks or feels.

It's also hard not to keep asking the stay/go question, but that, too, short circuits healing. The stay/go answer comes form figuring out what you want, how much work you'll do, and what kind of work you'll do - same for your WS.

Seemore

I think you wrote very well what I feel and possibly others here also feel.

Seeing your WW enthralled with the OM in a way she never was with You make Me wonder if she ever really had any passion for me.

The love passion and obsession was very real the abandonment of everything else in life was too.

In my case the affair was 36 years ago before marriage even, but I think my WW thought of OM1 every time we had sex.

How did Your WW treat You before this, do You suspect prior affairs.

What did You do about OM?)

lost love for and with the OP.

Your WS is in the throes of withdrawal and still needs to idealise the object as that gave her permission to choose to fall in the first place.

And it was a ‘fall’. Read Eric Fromm on the difference on standing in love and falling in love (you can guess which he thinks is the better of the two)..

I’ll wager in reality she ‘fell in love’ with the way she felt about herself in the affair, rather than it being about him per se - an idealised version of them both, a fantasy as you yourself say. A mirage.

I understand the pain of withdrawal from that idealised fantasy, and back down to earth, a further fall, into disgrace. No wonder the mirage of the A and that version of herself keeps beckoning.

I hope she develops the emotional and reflective maturity to come to these realisations herself. How she might have been vulnerable to an A because of things she feared about herself - ordinariness? Aging? lack of things to look forward to? Frustrations with feeling motherhood sidelining? Whatever…

As it does not serve for you to be the one to point out the fantasy nature of her escape from reality and responsibility, she needs to work that out for herself, or have it pointed out to her by a counsellor, or other source. It become easier and clearer when the worst throes of withdrawal recede. Unless she keeps them topped up with limerant thoughts. But there is plenty of literature so she can get the reality dosage needed titrated from other sources than you.

Sounds like she is talking to you, which is good, and which does give you the opportunity to ask some smart (by that I mean oblique) questions that might help to her senses quicker. But at the same time, it is very painful to be a BS in this period of WS moping and despondency. You don’t need to be subject to it. And you don’t need to be her rock either. By that I mean don’t get pulled into the pit of despondency with her.

Please read up on the 180. This serves to help you bring your focus back to you. Get to the gym, see friends, become more outward facing. That’s where your mental health can escape and help your fortitude in building resilience against the worst excesses of the craziness she has wrought and continues to bring with her talk of being in love.

Of course she remembers the sex as hot, it was new, novel, dangerous, naughty or whatever, but mainly really was simply different, and none of that is sustainable. Try not to make invidious comparisons with your marriage in this respect. Sounds like you know this. But maybe don’t yet quite believe it.

Sorry you are here.

[This message edited by Edie at 7:55 PM, Tuesday, March 10th]