I have been a member for a while. I am disgusted with myself and the shame I feel is all consuming. I started texting all old coworker for advice because I was hoping to transition into a different career and he had good contacts.
It started with innuendo and some texts that could’ve been considered flirty and I’d say ‘not appropriate’ or send a picture of a line and say crossing the line. But then the line got blurred.
I have some major health challenges and I’m on antidepressants for the pain and also because my condition is difficult on mental health. I started feeling the depression take hold over me and I felt like I was drowning. I don’t know how to describe it except to say that I felt so alone. I am estranged from my family (trauma & neglect). I don’t have friends, just acquaintances because I don’t like opening up to people. I’m in Individual therapy for all of that.
I was begging DH for time with me and he wasn’t available. Since I’ve been sick, he’s had to take a very active role with our kids and does all the house chores. He’s been so stressed out and overwhelmed.
The EA never turned physical. We never talked on the phone. Just texting a lot. The lines got blurred where he’d tell me I’m beautiful and things like that if we ever saw each other we’d have sex and I didn’t correct him. I encouraged if by sending two racy photos (swimsuit and lingerie one). I haven’t seen him in person in probably 20 years. I never would have let it get physical, but I enjoyed the attention and feeling like someone was listening. I also asked for an adjustment in my antidepressant medication.
I wish I could say I came to my senses and confessed, but I came to my senses and was trying to slow things down and just slowly ghost him (dumb I know). And my DH saw the texts on my phone/
He is devastated. He goes back n forth between saying that something was broken and has been for a while and that we will together rebuild our marriage, to saying he’s leaving.
I don’t know what to do. I feel horrible. It’s brought back so much of my pain from his affairs and I’m realizing I never really processed and dealt with it. I never even told my therapist about it until this all happened.
How do I help him heal?
