SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi All,

There is something that my BS often asks when we talk about our current situation / progress and path to recovery.

How can a wayward (in our case, me) can ever make it fair? As in balancing out the books.

We are only months out of DDAY. We have our ups and our downs, but lately my BS told me that while he can see my efforts (otherwise he'd be already gone), he is not sure what I could ever do to make all of that happened "fair" between us (not that the A will ever feel fair, but as in making up for it).

We somewhat agree that becoming the best version of myself, doing the work, healing etc (basically becoming a safe partner) will only bring us to the place where we should always have been. Being a safe and caring partner should be a given, not something to make up for the A.

He is not interested in consequences as such (e.g. me paying a higher price for my actions).

He used this example: "you (the wayward) have a massive debt. Doing the work and healing will stop you from increasing that debt. It will maybe reduce it slightly, but as those actions should be standard, they will not clear the debt. How are you going to balance this? And no declaring bankruptcy."

We discussed some options, I tried to come up with something, but I am at loss. For context, the conversation was not heated, but it was quite analytical and open, with my BS sharing what he needs to move more on the path of reconciliation.

I know things are not linear and we will have to find our own answer at some point. I just wanted to hear if others have been here and how they moved from this stage in due time. Or what I can focus on (as a wayward) to address this point.

Again, I know there won't be a straight answer or "ready-made solution".
I also want to be sure I understand my BS and what he asking.

I think part of the BS's healing process is accepting that what happened will never be fair, that the scales will be unbalanced for a long time, until the weight of the infidelity disintegrates into forgiveness (or as close to forgiveness as one can get in their situation.)

I don't know if you're familiar with the concept of radioactive decay or half-life in chemistry, but basically, if you have a given mass of a substance and it's reactive, over time that mass will decrease (and you can observe this through changes in weight, as measured by a scale.) If a healthy marriage is one where the scale is level, infidelity is like a glob of radioactive material unbalancing that scale. It may take many years, but with the correct reaction from the WS and the healing of each spouse, the mass of the substance can reduce such that the scales are balanced, or close enough to balanced, again... Maybe not a great metaphor, but I tried.

ETA: In accounting, there's a thing call "Allowance for Doubtful Accounts," which helps to balance the accounting equation when dealing with debts that are unlikely to be collected... Maybe he could move your debt to a Doubtful account. Sort of like a forgive but not forget situation, if we're sticking with the financial metaphor.

What will your BH do if the books will never feel balanced again?

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 2:04 PM, Friday, July 3rd]

Hi Morbs,

I actually liked your metaphor (natural sciences are a big thing in our family).
And I see what you are saying and it is what I somewhat gathered from reading other posts here on SI.

I have tried in fact to reframe his example, and while it may have given him a different perspective, his current feelings towards the past (there is a debt to be paid - metaphorically speaking) have not changed for now.

We discussed "making up for it" via materialistic means (me giving up my share of the house) and similars, but nothing seemed "appropriate".

Currently, he mentioned that if this "feeling" of imbalance will stay, we probably won't be able to move past this. Which I "understand" and I accept...

I guess my "goal" here is to do whatever I can, rather than having a reaction that may be read as "just ignoring this debt thing and waiting things out".

I'm sorry, but I don't think your accounting or half-life decay analogies fit here.

Imagine you killed someone's child through a DUI. You can get sober, spent time in jail, reach remorse, start a scholarship, talk to high school students about the dangers of drunk driving...

There's nothing you can do to balance the scales with the death of the child. Nothing.

I think we all learn this as children. My siblings and I broke a vase playing ball in the house. We had the rule of no ball in the house. My mom was so upset. She cried for a long time. I didn't see her cry often. Her first college roommate made the vase. It was valuable to her. There was nothing we could do that would replace it.

I'm not trying to be harsh. Obviously the vase was not as important as a child. The concept is the same though.