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Theevent, please understand that I am not trying to encourage you to D. If R is what you truly want, I hope you two can find your way there. But (there's always a but, right?) deciding that this is your only option creates a trap for you. I encourage every BS to get as comfortable as possible with either R or D for the simple reason that it frees you from that trap.

At two years out from d-day your wife still blame-shifting, still talking about fairness and equality is not a good sign, imo. She plays nice and you get along, have fun, and enjoy each other's company. That's all good stuff. And yet here you are feeling crazy, questioning yourself, wondering if you're the problem, and unsure if she's really examined the issues that lead her down Infidelity Lane, whether or not she's truly owned and fixed her shit.

That doubt, I believe, will slowly eat you alive.

Understanding why a WS chose infidelity, as well as one possibility can, is critical to reconciliation. That's my belief. If she cannot or will not share her journey with you it leaves you in the lurch - a terribly uncomfortable place to be. Because unless you understand her "whys," and more importantly her "why bots," you'll remain in limbo.

Until she knows for certain that limbo isn't a place you want to live in, the status quo remains comfortable for her. Know what I mean?

So three things:

1) If she's accusing you of shifting goalposts, I still think it's a good idea to say to her, "I hear what you're feeling is happening. I'm sorry that's been your experience. If you think it would be comforting, I would like to establish exactly where the goal posts presently are, and talk about if we think we can score."

Notably here, you're not agreeing that the goalposts have actually moved or that her feelings are your fault. You're just acknowledging that she feels that way. Then if she is willing to establish where the goalposts are (and really have always been), you can give her your article or your list of vague things that you need from her without going into specifics.

2)Obviously, "But you did xyz!/ You hurt me too!" is not helpful. It's completely beside the point and it's just a manipulative tactic (whether intentionally manipulative or not) that people use to sidestep the actual grievance being made. You might consider suggesting an exercise to her, where the both of you sit down and preface the conversation with:

"One of us (spouse A) will go first, and bring up a grievance. The other (spouse B) will l

-listen without interruption,

-summarize the grievance back to spouse A,

- acknowledge and/or apologize for it, where appropriate,

-and then both spouses will brainstorm about how to address it going forward.

We will not deviate from that specific grievance until each of these steps are completed. We will refrain from bringing up additional/separate grievances until we decide we are satisfied with the one at hand and switch roles. Then, and only then, will we address a different grievance."

This removes the ability to side step while also promising that you will hear her out. I know that your betrayal is a much more pressing issue than whatever her grievances are; I fully believe you in that regard. But I don't know if she is going to listen unless she feels like she'll get a chance to air hers out. This may also force her to take responsibility for her choices and think about her whys more deeply without being able to blame shift.

3) Detachment starts with focusing on yourself. (Rhetiorical questions) What are you doing to take care of your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health? How are you working on yourself and your healing? Are you learning things? Are you doing things that bring you joy? Do you want to spend time with her without thinking about infidelity recovery? (You're not required to.) Does she fit into doing all of this? Does she presently make your life better by being in it? If the answer is no, spend more time and effort on making yourself happy, healthy, and whole.

I think after a while of doing that, it will be easier to let go of the outcome... That's what I'm working on, anyway. Seems to be helping.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 9:51 AM, Tuesday, August 18th]

The fact that you are considering if you’re crazy or are "making a big deal out of nothing" is pretty good proof that her manipulations are working. It’s still all about her.

If she doesn't identify why she chose to betray me, how can she then address those issues and prevent future betrayals?

IMO - emphasize the IMO - it's going to come down to deciding to be a good, honest partner making every decision on the basis of answers to questions like, 'Given the options I have, what is an honest choice? What would a good partner do in this situation? Which decision looks best?'

The goal is to make a next right choice, in the expectation that focusing on right choices will prevent getting too far off course.

IMO, emphasizing what one will do just seems more likely to have a good payoff than focusing on what one won't do. Focusing on 'taking responsibility' is likely to be more effective than focusing on 'not blame-shifting.'

*****

Are you lost, or are you in limbo, seeing several paths out of limbo, believing that you have no good choices?

Or are you lost because you don't know how to control the outcome?

In any case, you're lost within your head. You will find your way. Hang in.