Hello my SI friends,
Just wanted to check in with my thoughts.
I’m doing ok I think, I’ve come to a place where I’m not consumed by pain constantly, I still have triggers and intrusive thoughts but they don’t get the same reaction as they once did, I still have mental chatter in my head sometimes but again that doesn’t have the same reaction as before, it’s just noise really and the only time I notice it in my body is if I’m tired, stressed or hormonal.
Every now and then I get a painful trigger and it’s usually because I’m completely happy and enjoying life and I suddenly remember or am reminded of something and I’m like ‘oh shit that happened’ it hurts for a bit and I’ll move on.
I’ve realised this is part of my life now, my brain will probably always remind me of what happened because that’s its job. I have a name for her, my brain that is, she’s loud ( she always has been) annoying and she doesn’t STFU, Becky, she’s called Becky, but she’s lovely, she tries her best.
Everything I need is in place, I feel that because of that my internal alarm system is going off, my H is now in a place he can talk about everything, at any time, without fail. We’ve had some horrible, painful, horrific soul destroying conversations over the past year or so and now we can talk about the most horrible things that have happened in our marriage and it’s kind of normal if that makes sense.
I explained to my H the other day that every time I feel warm and closeness towards him Becky quickly likes to remind me that
A) remember what he did to us Bruce
B) look at his family, it’s all of them.
C) you know what the saying is, once a cheater always a cheater.
And I’ve quickly built a case as to why I should never allow myself to feel close to you ever again. I used to like this, I didn’t want to be close to you but I don’t like it anymore.
Closeness to you feels like handing you a loaded gun.
My H said something that send me crackers, he said, it’s ok Bruce, you keep your gun it’s fine, you don’t have to hand me anything, it’s ok you can take your time, I’m here.
This should be of comfort to me but my brain was expecting something along the lines of him explaining to me a million reasons as to why I should be close to him etc and then I’d naturally dig my heels in, pout, cross my arms and stand my ground.
I’m going to have to allow him back in, I don’t know how to. I’ve tried bargaining with myself as to how it will be just fine living like this, he’s my best friend but I’m kind of an all or nothing kind of girl.
I need to be brave don’t I?
