I just wanted to say before this essay I am a horrible person and deeply regret what I've done, me and my wife are struggling at the moment after I put her through absolute torture.
End of 2024 I started an affair with a coworker when my wife was heavily pregnant. It started by flirting, going out on dinner breaks together... then the lying started to my wife. I met up with her at her house before our works do and I really started to catch feelings for her. Our son was born mid January, our marriage was under a strain with a newborn, and my AP gave me a release of happiness. I'd regularly go out to quiz nights with AP whilst our wife was looking after our newborn post c section (again, I know I'm a monster) and this made things worse between me and my wife.
Her dad then was diagnosed with terminal cancer unexpectedly, and then died a few weeks later. It didn't help matters that I tried to indicate that I wanted to leave her, which plummeted her into a deep depression, so I felt guilty and wrongly gave breadcrumbs that indicated everything was fine.
She came back early hours of the morning after watching her dad die. I can still see her face now, just empty. I had planned to see AP that night in a hotel room, I got my best friend to call and pretend I was stopping at his. She just looked at me with tears in her eyes, I told her to pop out and have an hour to herself. She did and gut wrenchingly came back with brand new designer tops for me to wear on my night out - even after going through that she still thought of me. With tears in her eyes, she smiled and said she wanted me to feel nice on my night out. I left her with tears streaming down her face, holding our newborn, and went and stopped with AP in a hotel. She wanted to see her dad at the funeral home the following day, I cruelly ignored her phone calls and she couldn't go.
I then carried on seeing AP - we were sleeping together regularly, whilst my wife's mood plummeted at home. AP then said she wanted a relationship or nothing, AP was my happiness at the time - my wife had just become a recluse and all we did was argue - because of my actions but I didn't see it that she needed me. AP then put it all over her social media that we were together - my wife then found this out before her dad's funeral. I'll never forget looking at her in the eyes, telling her I wanted to be with AP and watching her break, holding our newborn baby. She then messaged AP, and AP didn't want anything to do with me either.
I left her curled up on the bed, screaming. I rushed out so I could call AP to try and reconcile things with her. AP didn't want to know me, I tried to relentlessly fix things but it was clear things were dead and buried. However, my wife's kindness to me despite everything I put her through made me fall back in love with her and realise what I'd done - she had me back but things have really taken a toll on her. I've made major life changes such as cutting off friends who encouraged the affair, lads nights/weekends have all stopped, I've changed jobs at her request and I've shown I'm deeply devoted to my wife.
She's constantly stalking AP's social media and is obsessed with comparing herself to her. She's become addicted to weight loss injections, despite her not needing them, she drinks every night and has nightmares about the whole situation - she cries in her sleep a few times a week. She constantly brings AP up in arguments - all I can do is say I'm sorry. I've found letters addressed to AP that I'm frightened she will send and open up the wound for her. She refuses to see my family as she believes they all knew, when they didn't.
What can I do other than apologise and reassure her that it won't happen again? I'm deeply ashamed as to what I've done and I'm so worried about the lasting impact this has had on my wife's self esteem and mental health. I can tell it's scarred her, and has destroyed every single bit of her being. She's said before in an argument she only got back with me because she didn't want to be away from our son, and how she'll never forgive me.
She heavily blames herself, and picks on a lot of her physical appearance. She's spoken about dying her hair blonde like AP, having surgery and overthinks absolutely everything - her anxiety is through the roof about small things and she's no longer the confident, happy girl I first met. I reassure her daily I love how she looks, and how in love with her I am, but it's gone beyond that.
We can have periods of good weeks, and then something such as hearing AP's name on tv, going to a funeral (She went to her dad's funeral alone - something I don't think she'll ever forgive me for) or looking at photographs of her dad can set her way back. It's been 18 months and we can have periods where we're back at square one.
[This message edited by shatteredourfuture at 8:06 PM, Monday, September 21st]
