SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Oldwounds,

I think we all fail at love — it is how we learn to love properly.
Some people do it over the course of time and many relationships.
In my case, all of the learning (hard, harsh lessons of the A as well) has been over a lifetime together.
While I will never be happy about the A, I am extremely happy we found a way to repair the M and find our mature love days.
I’ll bet there are safer, more fun ways to get here.
But I am here, and life has never been better.

Thank you for sharing your heartwarming success story. It is easy to find oneself drowning in the rough seas of sorrow that infidelity tosses two people in to.

In many ways my wife and I mirror what you have said above. It was I that regressed in the process for about a year but have found my safe harbor once again. My lesson to myself is that even decades later, unknown, unsolved issues can throw you overboard without a life preserver and it sucks! However, the D-day days taught me not to panic and how to be a stronger, better swimmer.

Asterisk

Unhinged,

What gets under my skin is coming to this section of SI and maintaining a strict divorce posture.
It's beyond rude. While not technically a violation of the guidelines, it is a violation of basic decorum and decency.

Well, maybe it should be and yes, it is a violation of basic decorum and decency. What it isn’t is support, What it is, is dogma

Asterisk

Itiswhatitis000,

Oh come on, you were groomed into something very unhealthy from a very young age + your wife was too weak to do something about it apart from the basement BS, that at least moved her conscience (though damage was done). Give yourself some grace. It feels cringe to say that an affair improved something, but least it allowed you to see the world through your own eyes and I hope live a more sophisticated, rich life right now, where you both can be together for each other and not for dogma and appearance.

Thank you for what you stated above. I do wish to say that to recognize my failures is not removing grace from myself. It is in giving myself grace, and equally as important, my wife grace, that I can see with some clarity my failures that assisted my wife’s unhappiness. Now, before the dog-pile, I am not saying that I think that I am guilty of assisting my wife in her decision to cheat. Two very different things.

Also, I agree that if "feels" cringe to say that an affair can help shed light into the dark corners of a relationship, but cringe or not, I know, without on inkling of doubt that my wife’s affair had positive aspects to it. It was a 2by4 to both of our foreheads that could have been accomplished with a little trim out. But that is not how it happened, that is my reality and to long for our relationship to be what it is today (Which is loving and kind) by easier, less destructive ways is lost time.

Asterisk

There have been numerous gatekeepers suggested in this thread so I thought it would be good to list, without comment, the possible gatekeepers.

adequate love
self-value
self-love
moral code/ touchstone
Love was the gatekeeper
Lack of opportunity
Good communication
Yes, love, but with a but…
Empathy
Need for all the Faces of love – Eros, philia, storge, and agape
Mindfulness
Guilt
Not wanting to cause pain to one’s spouse
Fear
strong boundaries
vigilance
character and ethics
Cheating not worth the cost
Respect

I found each of these very compelling. (I am sure I missed a few) I also am concluding that none of them when standing alone are gatekeepers.

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies that add depth to my thoughts. If I missed some or if anyone would like to add what was their gatekeeper or should have been their gatekeeper, I would find value in hearing your thoughts.

Asterisk