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My wife slept with a man- we're lesbians

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sadgirl9357 posted 6/17/2013 07:34 AM

I've literally never felt this sick in my life.

I hate that this happened. Why did it have to be a guy?? She says shes a "sex addict" except we hardly ever have sex..

we just hit out 1 year anniversary on may 10th.

I need advice badly.

Please don't tell me she's confused. i'm begging you all. :...(

hatefulnow posted 6/17/2013 08:57 AM

It makes no difference that you're lesbians. Cheating is cheating...period! I don't know the full dynamics of your relationship so I can't advise you on it, but I will say that right now you've got to think about you. Eat, drink WATER, rest and get some exercise. Also, read our healing library in the upper left corner. Lots of great information there. Good luck.

DecadeCentrifuge posted 6/17/2013 10:38 AM

I agree. Focusing on the orientation issue will only confuse you more. There is no excuse for her behavior, regardless of what she told you about her sexual preference.

You need to focus on you right now. Stay healthy, and do what you can to stay sane. Everything else can wait.

confused615 posted 6/17/2013 10:44 AM

My husband cheated on me with men(2?). I found out on dday that he was not "only" cheating,but he is also bisexual.

Betrayal is betrayal..whether they cheat with a man or a all all sucks.

Im so sorry you're dealing with this.

Why does she say she is a SA? Is she using this as an excuse for her behavior? If she truly thinks she is,then she needs to get into therapy.

Honey,it wouldn't have hurt any less had she cheated with a woman. You would be asking yourself a different set of questions, but the feelings would be the same. Being betrayed is a trauma.

Is she still wanting to R with you? What is she doing to show you she wants to R?

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:44 AM, June 17th (Monday)]

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/17/2013 11:02 AM

Ugh - ever since the term "sex addict" became popular, just about every cheater under the sun has tried to use that as an excuse to explain away their crap behavior.

So don't let her get away with that sh*tcan excuse and make her own her crap.

I don't know, Sad. You don't want us to tell you she's "confused," yet she slept with a man. If I slept with a woman for the 1st time in my life, I'm sure I'd be considered 'confused,' so I'm not sure what to classify her if she's a lesbian but slept with a man for the first time.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here in the club no one wants to join.

Wishing you strength.

purplejacket4 posted 6/17/2013 11:04 AM

I'm in a same sex relationship and my fWS cheated with a woman. Believe me the pain is the same.

Focus on if this relationship is worth saving. You didn't mentioned if you've been married for just a year or together just a year. If it has only been a year that you've been together I'd seriously question this person's worth as a partner. Most cheating occurs after the "romance" has died down.

I'm glad you've found us. This is the best club you never wanted to join. Hugs to you.

purplejacket4 posted 6/17/2013 11:04 AM

Double post

[This message edited by purplejacket4 at 11:06 AM, June 17th (Monday)]

Opheliapain posted 6/17/2013 11:25 AM

I've heard SI called the best club you never wanted to join.

I don't think she is confused but she is broken. The first year after DD I spent trying to reason through his years of betrayal. I have just come to the conclusion that there is no reason to this. It is a broken response to a broken person.

If she believes she is a SA has she seen an IC? Is she willing to go to a program to help her work through these issues?

Please take care of yourself. Drink water and eat or drink nutrional supplements. Keep posting your thoughts or questions. I hope you find the support you need here.

tushnurse posted 6/17/2013 14:25 PM

Welcome. It hurts no matter with who, or what gender, what hurts isn't really so much as the act, as the lies, sneaking, and shared intimacy that should be between the two of you.

Read in the Library over on the left side. Focus on you, and think about what you want and need. Eat, sleep, and keep hydrated, if you are having trouble with this go to the Dr, or call your Dr and ask for some medications. It's a very tough time.

Welcome, and keep posting. We have about a bazillion years experience with this whole infidelity thing, and we are here to help you through.

((((and strength))))

JustWow posted 6/17/2013 16:00 PM

folks who are sex addicts will often not have sex frequently with their SO.. SA is an intimacy disorder, and the more "real" a relationship is, the more the SA tends to de-sexualize it. They often cannot handle true emotional intimacy, and there isn't too much more intimate than sex with love attached.

go read at sexhelp. com for info on sex addiction if you are interested.


solus sto posted 6/17/2013 18:27 PM

First, (((sadgirl))), I am very, very sorry you have a need to be here. I'm glad you found us, but so sorry there's a need.

She says shes a "sex addict" except we hardly ever have sex..
Oddly, it's not unusual for the spouse to live in a sexual desert (and often, to be blamed for it), while the WS acts out elsewhere. It's a crappy dynamic, and hurts like hell.

I'm not going to tell you she's confused. I have no idea what her deal is. What I will tell you is to protect yourself. From disease, from financial harm, from all of the grossness that can accompany infidelity.

But first and foremost, be sure to stay hydrated. Drink lots of fluids, because nothing is worse than dealing with infidelity, except dealing with infidelity AND kidney stones. Eat---small, frequent meals, if necessary. If you can't eat (I vomited for months), get some good-quality protein shakes. Rest when you can, and exercise daily. It's great for stress.

This is a hell of a ride--the worst you are apt to ever be aboard. Take good care of yourself as things unfold. And come here often--there's lots of love and support and good advice.

Nature_Girl posted 6/17/2013 18:38 PM


I'm so sorry.

I just want to touch on the sex addict angle. My STBX is a SA. It is VERY common for SA to have "sexual anorexia" with their spouses/intimate partners. I've talked with quite a few spouses of SA and almost every single one has remarked that their spouse seldom ever touched them sexually or pleased them.

It's very hard to get over that kind of relational trauma.

Want2help posted 6/18/2013 00:44 AM

I'm so sorry. I'm no expert, but I believe sex addiction is about validation, and has nothing to do with orientation.

She's not confused, she is likely seeking validation outside of the marriage because something is lacking IN HER, not the relationship.

Is she remorseful? Has she cut off contact from her affair partner?

Dare2Trust posted 6/18/2013 01:40 AM

I'm so sorry.

What other indications does your partner give that she's a Sex Addict?
How long has she been cheating? How many sex partners has she been cheating with?
NOPE, she's not confused - she knows exactly what she's doing.

PLEASE get tested for STDs, OK?

MoreThanMe posted 6/18/2013 03:16 AM

Im so sorry! Quickly-
1. NOT having sex- number one sign that your S/O is a SA

2.her sleeping with a man (ouch ) says a lot more about her being a SA than her sexual orientation.

sadgirl9357 posted 6/18/2013 05:43 AM

Thank you so much for all the support everyone.. This post to have been the only thing that's made me feel remotely better. I talked a lot yesterday and no one else seemed to understand like the people on this website.

JUSTWOW- I think you may have hit the nail on the head with "intimacy disorder".

If she is a sex addict, I think it's definitely coupled with an intimacy disorder.

She's very remorseful but these things have been going on our entre relationship.

This is the ony time she's ever had sex with someone but there's been varying degrees of cheating going on since the first month we started dating when I caught her kissing a friend of ours.

We've been together for 3 years. Married 1.

I just don't know what to think anymore.. She seems realy remorseful but this has been ongoing.. Either she fakes it really well or I'm just stupid :...(

I've never felt this much hurt in my whole life. I can't stop throwing up. I can't even drink a glass of milk without throwing up.

I'm all over the place. One minute I wana try with her and the next minute I'm screaming and throwing whatever is closest to me. I feel like I can't handle all of this. I'm like a zombie..

WoundedOpus posted 6/18/2013 07:50 AM

I'm so sorry sadgirl. I have no advice on the SA aspect... Just wanted to say that I recently turned to The Healing Library, and man do I wish I'd done that from the very beginning. Nothing has helped me more (outside of SI that is).

Cheating is so much more than emotional abuse (to me), the physical damage it does is astounding, and until someone goes through it, they have no idea! The moment of discovery, the very second I realized what was happening, my stomach churned like never before. I barely made it to the bathroom before I was vomiting. Swallowing the truth was like drinking acid. Please try as hard as you can to take care of yourself, surround yourself with people that love you and support you!

sportsfan posted 6/18/2013 08:06 AM

Sorry that you had to find us, sadgirl9357 ... but this is a good place for you.

As others above have mentioned, betrayal is betrayal ... and there is no excuse for betrayal.

While you're trying to get your head around this you really need to take care of yourself. B/c you're throwing up you might want to drink Ensure in order to force nutrients into your body. Hopefully you can keep it down long enough for it to take some effect.

Keep posting ... this is a safe place.

confused615 posted 6/18/2013 08:31 AM

What you're feeling is normal...being betrayed is a're also probably in shock.

You need to take care of yourself. Eat. drink a lot of water. See your doctor. Do something nice for yourself today. Be kind to yourself. You are not are in pain.

What is she doing to show you she wants to R?

Is she in IC?

Is she remorseful? Not regretful..that's different. Remorse is all about you and helping you heal. It is not angry or defensive. It is not blameshifting and abusive.

Is she transparent? Do you have full access to all of her accounts,all email accounts,and her cell? And the passwords?

Did she send a NC email to that she wrote,showed you,you approved and sent? Does he have a BW of a BGF? If so,she needs to be told.

Has she been tested for STD's? Have you? She needs to do so with the results sent to you by the doctor.

What about birth control? Even if a condom was used,pregnancy(and STD's) are still possible. She needs to be tested.

How is she acting towards you?

Big hugs,honey. It takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity. You can not rush it,or rugsweep it away. It's a process you must feel to heal.

MoreThanMe posted 6/18/2013 14:30 PM

SAs is actually an intimacy disorder-why they call it sex addiction is unknown to me.

There's a SA forum-in ICR. NOT that she has SA-just if you want to learn more. Why is she telling you that? Do you know? As an excuse, or as when an alcoholic admits their achololism?

Yes, it is totally weird for you to feel one way and then another-love is like that right-just a switch you can off. OF course not-it is confusing. Its hard to stop loving someone overnight-well, actually its impossible.

Im sorry you're hear. It always seems like cheating with a member of the the opposite sex when you're gay or vice versa- would be even worse. I felt like my life was in a blender the F am I married too? Throw that into the mix and it's gotta be hell.

I'm so sorry. FYI- If you do look into the SA aspect-not everyone believes that every SA has a codependant partner-that totally turned me off to SA partner support-and it was too bad.

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