I am having a very tough time. I feel like I am in an impossible situation.
Background: fWH works in a city about 1.5hrs drive from where we live. So he does a LOT of travelling every single weekday. Initially we kept living where we do for a number of reasons, but mainly because of my daughters' schools and my mothers "ill health" (anorexia and alcoholism). A couple of years ago my eldest daughter married and moved to the city where my husband works. My mother died in 2008. At the end of this year my younger daughter will finish school and begin college in the city where my husband works. The work I do can be done anywhere. Soooo a couple of years ago we decided that as soon as younger daughter finishes school we will move to the city where fWH works - it makes SO much sense: he will no longer have to travel in excess of 3 hours per day, he will be able to work from home a lot more, we will be near our eldest daughter and (importantly) younger daughter will be able to live at home, saving us the enormous cost of accomodation for her, and meaning I get to have a few more years with her before she leaves home (which makes both her and I very happy indeed, we are exceptionally close).
THEN D-Day happened. The A was conducted in the city where fWH works. OW lives 10 minutes drive from my eldest daughter's house (the A was conducted via sleep-overs at OW's house). SO many of the places in that city are now HUGE,HUGE triggers for me (e.g. the shopping mall nearest eldest daughters house is where they went on coffee dates and had the tattoo done, the only other major shopping mall in that city is a couple of minutes from where OW and fWH continue to work) it's endless... honestly... I can't go ANYWHERE in that city without having debilitating panic attacks. Even thinking about it my heart begins to pound. Visiting my daughter has become a trial for me - I take tranquilisers, psyche myself up for days beforehand and once I get there I don't leave her house, don't go shopping etc, until it's time to go home.
In addition to the triggering, I have never met OW and have this ridiculous, terrifying, fear of bumping into her somewhere.
So let's just say I really hate that city. And soon after D-Day the decision was made to NOT move there. Eldest daughter was devastated and has begged and pleaded with us to reconsider, younger daughter was devastated and has also put some pressure on me to reconsider.
I have TRIED to reclaim that city. I have TRIED so hard. I have read tips, I have tried various things. If anything it has just gotten worse and worse as time goes by. I do breathing exercises, I medicate, I try visualising, I try positive affirmations.. you name it, I have done it. It's not happening for me.
Anyway (there is a point to this!) last week we discovered that eldest daughter and son-in-law are expecting my first grandchild. We have all been beyond excited. This week-end they came to spend the weekend with us and DD had a heart-to-heart and BEGGED me to please re-consider moving as she will have to go back to work after baby is born and would love it if I could look after baby. This has been a life-long dream of mine. I have literally fantasised about this happening since my own children were tots. I would love nothing more!
Then, last night younger daughter had a bit of an emotional melt-down and came crying to our room after bed-time... she is under SO much pressure to perform well in her final exams (November - crazy education system EVERYTHING rests on these final exams), she is a very high achiever, Type-A personality (*I have strong genes!) and is really working her heart out, the course she wants to do is EXTREMELY hard to get into, PLUS she has had the additional stress of a very strained family life the last 12 months and she is one super-sensitive girl*. Anyway, she was begging and pleading with us to move to the city so she can continue to live at home, as her sister did until she was 21 and left home to get married. She was getting very emotional.
I feel like I am in an impossible situation. My whole being wants to be closer to my kids, to have the privilege of looking after my little grand-child next year, to be there for my younger daughter, so that she can focus on her studies. I really, really badly want this for ME, but I also don't want to let my daughters down, they mean more to me than anything else and I don't want "my problems to become their problems". But how on earth can I move to that place that I hate more than any other place on the planet since D-Day? How can I move to A-central, to OW's home town and territory? The thought of it leaves me sick and shaking. I literally lay away the WHOLE night last night, freaking out!
The worst of it is that I HATE fWH for putting me in this situation. Really. I do. It is SO unjust. His A is like a flipping octopus with tentacles that reach into every facet of my life.
I am SO, SO over this!