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Double Betrayal

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hopefullife posted 10/26/2019 05:51 AM

And what you are left with now, is knowing that you did all that for nothing, and that you were ASKED to do it and they knew it was for nothing.

We had a very close friend who helped us all the way through our fake R. We both felt betrayed. It was all an act. Feeling remorseful, not caring about the OW. It's sad to know people could do such damage to another human being and feel nothing.

SI Staff posted 1/31/2020 15:37 PM

Bumped to reactivate thread.

Flnightmare posted 2/2/2020 18:03 PM

I hate that I have to join the club....

Wh had sexual contact with his brothers wife during a family vacation. It was, as far as I know, a one time thing. My in-laws were there, my 14 year old son, and their 1 year old.

I am fairly certain he did not have sex with her that day. I do know, from what I saw, sexual arousal and “grinding” were involved.

Somehow she has positioned herself as the victim in all of this. My two children, myself, and wh are no longer welcome because it makes her feel uncomfortable. She feels as if she is responsible for the state of our marriage and it makes her feel bad to be near us.

We have now been excluded from all family gatherings. I have been a part of this family for over 20 years. Her husband, my wh’s brother, was in elementary school when we got married!

I don’t know how she managed this? I don’t know how she got everyone on her side to see her as the victim. This is the only family I have. The only family my children have. Now, because of two dumbass people and their choices I have lost everything...

My sanity
My self worth
My marriage
My ability to trust
My family

My kids have lost it all too. No more family Christmas, thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant ... etc.

I just don’t know how I ended up here.

Mltakagu posted 2/5/2020 16:38 PM

I have never posted before. I am new to this site but D-Day was Sept 2017. We had been married 18 years together for 24 years (high school)
My WW was in a long term emotional affair with my brother. Since before we were married. It became an A 1 month before D-Day. I found out when I became suspicious of how they were treating each other at a get together of my family at our house for my birthday. I looked through her computer and found deleted texts and some pictures (which she always refused to text me).
I confronted her but couldn’t stand to confront him without blowing up. She and I met on a dark country road reconciled that night. And she called me out on a long history of sexual abuse of her that she has had to suffer through since the beginning of our relationship. I had not been a good husband or partner sexually or emotionally for all of our marriage. We took a step back from our marriage and decided to date while we worked on ourselves and our relationship. We reached out to our pastor who starts MC that night and both she and I started IC. At his recommendation, we agreed to be in an NC with my brother.

The first 6 months were difficult but we made it through though there were several episodes of contact some that I have only recently found out about, and an awkward whole family Christmas. We renewed our vows and both were baptized on New Year's Eve the day after the last known contact between them. She said she was just checking on him after the awkward Christmas, and to tell him that we were happy together.

I have been so happy without new marriage everything has been going overall great. We have forgiven each other. The marriage was new our treatment of each other has changed in every way time spent, attention to each other, emotionally and sexually. When I look into her eyes I see love and more love than ever before this. But I have still been on an emotional rollercoaster suicidal several times due to self-worth issues. I have never attempted. I have talked with my counselor about this and am still working on me.

This feels like a jumble of information, but… somedays it still feels jumbled in my head. My parents had passed separately in the 2 years before D-day. Prior to this I would have said my family was the most important thing in my life, brother sisters, etc. I spent every holiday in hoe town. Lived in home town for many of the years of our marriage. I would have said that my brother was the best friend I had, he was my Best man at the wedding there was no competition for the position. He is 6 years older and I have looked up to him for my entire life. He has always been the guy I wanted to live up to, to impress. I thought he felt the same way. But post-D-day of course, everything has changed. I feel like, for the most part, my siblings have tried to sweep it under the rug. They want me to try to behave as nothing happened. No one has confronted him or talked to him. I have tried to reconnect for many reasons some good some bad. One was our kids. We have 4 kids and only 1 knows because she was a teen at the time of the A and we knew she would notice and figure out and resent not knowing the truth. The other 3 boys don’t and they have always been very connected to him. He has always been and still seems to be a great uncle. Our NC was never full or complete. We have shared family threads with kids and adults on messenger and apple messages. There has been continued conversation on these since the beginning. I can see all the messages on there, but it has always felt like a way to stay connected, though she denies that.

This month I was looking through emails and for some reason, Gmail popped up several drafts of a “goodbye” letter she sent to him 1 month after D-Day. It revealed some stuff that was old but opened up new wounds. And some brand new information. Like the fact she decided to reconcile with me because “she made a commitment all those years ago, even if my heart wasn’t in it”. She says in it that “As I said, I will always love you no matter what happened.” We had the biggest fight we have had since the last known contact- new year’s eve, eve 2017. She feels it is all in the past and old news. She says she doesn’t feel this way anymore and she just wants to continue our life. In, some ways it feels like I was living a lie, am living a lie. Why did I have to find that F-ing letter?

I don’t want to keep bringing it up because it sends her into a spiral of shame and then I spiral as well because it makes me feel terrible. I don’t know how to fully explain it to her. Honestly, I have always thought they made a better couple than me and her, I have several times asked her to leave me and go be with him so that She doesn’t have to keep being on this roller coaster with me.

How can I ever feel secure? Is there hope…. Sometimes I feel like there is hope sometimes not… Right now I feel like…. maybe… But I am cycling from feeling like "I can't believe I would question her anymore" to... spending hours at night trying to find keylogger apps for iPhones...

[This message edited by Mltakagu at 9:58 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]

SandyShores posted 2/5/2020 19:02 PM

Mltakagu,

You might want to think about posting your story in another forum such as JFO or General. This one doesn't seem to get much feedback and you seem to need some insight. I am sorry that I cannot offer any words for you.

GTeamReboot posted 2/9/2020 21:55 PM

Flnightmare - I'm really sorry you are here, and I know I can certainly relate to the absolute feeling of shock that it happened. "How is this my life now!?" plays in my head on repeat.

My situation wasn't family, but it was an extremely close friend (ONS) plus an acquaintance (brief PA, actually just before the ONS - link to full f'ed up story in my signature, LOL!). The ONS woman was like a sister to me - she and her ex-H were major family support for us during pregnancies, new babies, birthdays, travel together, etc. They were basically family.

Three people betrayed me. My husband, obviously. The one OW was not a close friend, but still! Ugh. To hell with her, she never meant much to me, but we were friends. But the other was one of my dearest friends, so I am struggling to let go of that friendship. You would think it would be easy, but it was hard to throw away 13 years of friendship over one stupid drunken night they both regret. I have to mourn that loss as well, and it's complicated. She was very remorseful, but it's over. Her ex-H was like a brother to me, and was even my FWH's work partner for a number of years! They were divorced when the ONS happened but it was still a betrayal of that friendship. It's hard to know my FWH did that to his friend. He is incredibly remorseful, but wow what a triple-shit-move!... Cheat on me.... cost me a friendship... shit on your friend. So awful.

Also there was about a year between the two back-to-back A's and my D-Day. During that time there were a couple social situations that included me and both women, and even one party where all three of us were there. FWH didn't avoid these situations because it would have been odd and required explanation. He (all of them) were just trying to pretend it never happened. So I got to feel like an epic FOOL, though not knowing it at the time.

The double betrayal is the worst. I truly hope that time slowly heals things for you and your entire family. How is your brother-in-law handling it, how is he feeling toward his brother, your H? It's pretty selfish of her to make it about her. I see him as another hurt party, just like you. Do you have a friendship with him to know how he is holding up? Or does he just blame his brother?

Mltakagu - I read your story on another subforum and saw you got some good honest feedback. It does seem like maybe you both rushed R - understandable when both parties just want to move on. The healing can't be rushed. But I think you still have reason to be hopeful!

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