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Thought we had a good marriage

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SpaceGhost0007 posted 1/28/2015 16:11 PM

I could use some advice from others who have walked in my shoes. I want to give you some background on my problem since there really is not anyone I can talk to about my situation. This may be a little long and I apologize for that.

Growing up my Mom left our family to run off with another man and deserted us. It caused my dad and siblings a lot of problems and took a while for our family to recover. After that I realized I never thought I would get married. I dated a lot of women but I just never thought I would want to marry anyone after what my mom put us through. To this day I never saw my mom again and she tried to call a couple of times but I will never see her again.

So I got to college and I met my now wife and we got married and had 2 kids right away. My wife after 21 years of marriage is still very beautiful. And being she is beautiful she gets approached a lot by other guys. I took this in stride and have always thought I was a very lucky guy. We have had a good marriage and got along very well. Our Sex life has been good and a lot of passion on both sides. Really thought I had hit the lottery. If we had issues we would talk and get them resolved. Looking objectively I have been a very good husband and she has been a good wife. Our two kids are now in college and we had come to a different phase of our lives.

Last year my company left our area so I scrambled to find another job. I found a higher paying job that I got to work from my home and it was a lot more money so things looked great. The only catch was every 4 to 6 weeks I had to fly into the home office for 1 week. She was all for this and excited and since our two kids are in college now we talked about relocating if it was necessary.

Then I was out of town one night and could not get her on the phone. She would not answer and did not answer several texts. I was worried and I looked for where her IPhone was and it showed she was at a hotel 200 miles from our home. I was so stunned I did not tell her I knew where she was. The next day she said her phone had been on vibrate but that had never happened before. I had just got her the phone so she did not know I could track the phone. Two days later I flew home a day early and I went to do some laundry and she had some lingerie hanging there drying that I had never seen. So I did not do my laundry and when she saw me home she looked sick to her stomach. I checked an hour later and the lingerie was gone and she was her old self. I asked what she had been doing this week and she said she was home all week. Another red flag was she had shaved her downstairs bare. She had tried this before but did not like the feel or the itch. She said she would never do that again. I also prefer that there be a “little grass on the playground” so to speak. So it was clear to me that she did not shave it all off for herself since she complained last time she did it and she did not do it for me. At this point I was sick to my stomach and almost 100% sure she was cheating on me. I tried not to let on and she asked me what was wrong but I just said everything was fine.

I did some high tech searching and found no emails or phone calls on our phone. Put software on the computer and nothing came up. She was with me all the time and I started doubting if she was cheating since she was the same person she always was with me. But the new lingerie and new grooming and the hotel I knew she was with someone else. I realized I needed to find out so I told her I needed to be gone to work for 2 weeks. She did not want me to be gone that long but she understood. I was certain that if she was cheating I would know. I also put a voice activated recorder in her vehicle.

I hired a P.I. and the next time I left she went to a Hotel again out of town. It turns out it was with her boss who owns the place where she works. He is very wealthy and she has been having an affair with him for who knows how long. The P.I. did show me video of them eating at a very nice restaurant that he recorded and also of them out walking together. It looks like two people dating holding hands and kissing having a great time. They slept in the same room so I now have all of the proof I need on what happened. When the P.I showed me what he had I did go to an Attorney and I have prepared for a divorce getting my ducks in order. I have not told my wife that I know about her affair. I have had to act the same and the past couple of weeks have been very hard. She knows something is wrong with me but I make excuses on not feeling well and needing to go to the doctor. It has bought me some time.

This is where I am right now. I am going to have her served in a few days when I leave town again and I am not going to answer my phone for at least 3 days. I plan on going golfing and to clear my head and start enjoying my life. It may not come through but I really loved my wife and thought we had a good life. I always thought we would grow old together and have a great life together.

The other man like I said is a multi-millionaire but he is married. They have been going out of state and meeting in nice hotels and restaurants and having sex with each other. He is around my age and yes he is loaded but I just do not get it. I understand that my wife is attractive but the only thing I can think of is she likes the feel of the dating. The expensive things that he can buy for her. I have provided a nice home really our dream home. Yet, I cannot complete with him financially. I do make good money but I am not in his league.

Now this will make me sound conceited but he is not in my league either. I wrestled in college so I always have worked out. I am in excellent physical shape. I also get a lot of attention because I look like a famous actor. I won’t say who it is because I do want some anonymity and it would identify me right away. But at the end of the day it did not stop her from cheating with him. Her boss is just not in the shape I am but he does have a lot of money so this has been very confusing for me. This is why I posted this here on this forum. Or do I give her 90% of what she wants and he provides the rest?

So that is the background of course there is more but that is enough for now. I have questions that I wish I could get answered from people who have been there.

If I would not have stumbled on to her affair I would not have known about her affair. She acts the same with me like she always has and she tells me all of the time that she loves me. The other day she told me I was the best thing to ever happen to her. She gave me a card that told me I was the love of her life. She does not have any phone or email contact with the other man that I can detect but she does work at the same office so maybe she does not need too. I am in IT so I know how to snoop and you would never know she was cheating. It only happens when I leave town and when I am back home she is with me all of the time.

So does a woman who is very much in love with her husband cheat on him? If the answer is yes can someone explain to me why they do it? I really think she loves me very much. She does not know that I know about her affair. I would like to wrap my head around her cheating and try to make some sense of it all.

So many things go through my head. Has she been cheating with multiple men for years? Is this the only affair or has she done it the whole time? The Other Man is also married but he is wealthy so maybe she is looking at him as my replacement? I don’t know what to think about this and it bothers me. It may just be fun since he takes her to expensive hotels and they go to expensive places to eat. We have a nice beautiful home and life but I am not multi-millionaire. I also wonder if he is just better in bed than me. Is that why she is doing this?

If anyone can shine some light on this I would appreciate it. I loved this woman and we had a good life and she seemed happy and so was I. It is sad that very shortly I am going to end our life together. I realize it will be like my relationship with my Mom I will never see her again unless it is at one of our kids marriage and that makes me sad. I do want to try and get a handle on why she would do this before I rock her world like she did to me.

My plan is to have her served divorce papers while she is at work and I am going on a golf vacation. I do not plan on even talking to her for 3 days so she can think about it and wonder about me. I also plan on telling her affair partners wife so she knows about what is going on. I am just lost right now and trying to make sense on why she did this. I don’t think she would tell me because I always told her that if she cheated I would be out the door.

I know she is the one who could give me answers but she would just lie and I don’t want her to know that I am on to her just yet. If anyone could give me there educated guess I would appreciate it. I cannot forgive her but I would like to try and understand why she did what she did.

sad12008 posted 1/28/2015 16:40 PM

Hi SpaceGhost0007...welcome to SI! I'm glad you found us but extremely sorry you had reason to need us.

Sounds like you're already a little ahead of the power curve in that you have firmly established that your spouse is indeed cheating (beats uncertainty, much as it s*cks) and have spoken with a lawyer.

I --and so many other BSs (betrayed spouses) on here-- can completely relate to your subject line, and much of what you described of your marriage. One of the memories that would really ratchet up my pain, post D-Day, was remembering the seemingly perfect blissful moments, heartfelt statements of love, and so forth. Agonizing. My discovery, too, was purely accidental; a wild hare to look my FWH's email up on mySpace (he wasn't at ALL the social media type)(except for mySpace, as it turned out).

You've basically had a nuclear detonation occur in your reality. It's a horrendous thing to go through, but if you have to, you've got good company with the other members on this site. Loads of information, support, insight, and experience.

Please know that people cheat for reasons completely unrelated to YOU. Infidelity is not so much about a broken relationship as about a broken person (the WS). There was a great post a time back, either in this forum or the General forum, entitled "Honey, They Always Affair Down". It resonated with so many, because there's truth in it.

My FWH thought I was a great wife. Loved me, never wanted to lose me. You'd never be able to tell that, though, from his behavior! As our couples counselor put it, "you can't fill a cup with no bottom". No matter how much I gave, no matter how great I was, he needed external validation like a junkie needs a fix.

I highly recommend Dr. Shirley Glass' book, Not Just Friends. It's very validating and informative.

I feel like this is a bit scattered (sorry!) as there's stuff going on around me (dogs say it's dinnertime!), but just know you've been heard, you're not alone now that you've found us, and you will get through this nightmare.

craig2001 posted 1/28/2015 16:48 PM

So does a woman who is very much in love with her husband cheat on him? If the answer is yes can someone explain to me why they do it?
It is impossible to understand, but 99% of the affairs have nothing at all to do with married life or the spouse.

Many woman decide they want something of their own, it is like a fantasy world, as the other guy makes his moves, she continues to cross boundary after boundary until it is an affair.

Most people in affairs never think they will be caught. Most people in affairs never think of their spouse while in the affair...they say. Yet of course they do when it comes to the lying.

So how in the hell can they do this. Much of this is about compartmentalizing. Some people can do it, others cannot. I cannot, but with a lot of reading on here, I was finally able to understand it.

That is how your wife can have the affair and act so normal at home.

The affair is in one compartment and the married home life is in another compartment. And the two are rarely open at the same time, until the day they are caught.

Most likely, she has no real feelings for this guy, it is all some kind of game, fantasy world.

You might or might not go through with the divorce, that is how you feel once you confront her. And a lot has to do with how she acts afterwards.

SpecialK posted 1/28/2015 17:01 PM

Space, welcome to the group none of us ever wanted to join. You have the proof you need to make a decision, but don't move to fast. One thing you need to hold fast to, is, THIS IS NOT your FAULT, period!!! Don't accept any blame for her choices.
You keep referencing his "money". That's most likely not what attracted her, it's shallower then that. Looks also aren't the reason, most WS affair down and I believe it's because "they" are looking for anyone who will make them feel better about themselves. Cheaters are truly messed up, and trying to figure them out, is most often futile. The woman you "thought" you knew is showing you what she is capable of doing and you can't make it make sense. STOP TRYING. You'll just drive yourself crazy.
You can only control your actions. When you do inform the other BS, and kudos to you for giving her the respect of knowledge, be factual and respectful. Don't TELL your wife that you are going to tell the other BS.
Settle in, strap yourself in for the emotional ride of your life. Drink, eat, post here, talk to a counselor, and take care of yourself. You sound like great person and believe it or not, this too shall pass.

NeverAgain2013 posted 1/28/2015 17:01 PM

YOU are my new hero!

I admire how you've systematically put all the steps into place and then will bow out while she gets served then sits and stews in her own juices for 3 days.

You're a rock star!

I know you said you're a tech geek, but it's still highly likely she's using some form of phone app to communicate with him. One that doesn't leave calling or texting details on your cell bill. And if she's using any wifi connection but her cell carrier's, you won't even see a jump in the data usage on the cell bill. Smart phone apps have made it nearly impossible to see any detailed calling/texting history anymore.

Either that or they have an understanding to only communicate through work resources.

But you have proof through a PI, so all that stuff is moot at this point, anyway.

I can't tell you what's going through her head or why she's chosen to have an affair with this guy. Maybe she's swept up with being treated to all the finer things in life, like you'd said.

But physically, it's not surprising that she 'affaired down.' Most of them do.

Dyokemm posted 1/28/2015 17:14 PM

SpaceGhost,

I'm very sorry you are here and having to go through this.

I think you are spot on in your plans for what has to happen and how you will handle this.

I can really relate to your situation.

My grandmother did to my grandfather, dad, and two brothers exactly what your mom did. He was 2, and my uncles were 3 and 1 when she split.

She also eventually tried to reach out to my dad...he never forgave her but did allow her to see my sisters and I once when I was 12.

When she passed a couple years later from cancer, she called begging him to forgive her and come see her...he refused.

My dad told me when I was older and could understand what exactly she had done and why he refused to talk about her.

I asked him if he ever wondered WHY she had done something so horrible and stupid.

What he said to me is something I think can help you with the questions you now face with your own worthless WW.

He told me he gave up ever trying to understand the inscrutable. It's simply impossible to ever 'get it'. There is just no way to logically explain that level of brokenness in a person.

So he just gave up chasing answers...said it was like a dog trying to catch his own tail anyway.

All that mattered to him was she had done the unforgivable and he wanted nothing to do with her ever again.

I think you should take a similar view with your WW.

You will never understand why....just remove her from your life as completely as possible.

She will undoubtedly greatly regret losing you and her life, as my grandmother eventually did.

But those are the consequences of being a traitorous piece of shit.

SleepyCat posted 1/28/2015 17:15 PM

BS Replies Only.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:37 AM, January 29th (Thursday)]

mixedfeelings posted 1/28/2015 17:16 PM

Spaceghost, your story was so compelling to read! I am sorry you are going through this. I agree to take it slow. I am not saying not to follow through on your plan. I think you will really freak your wife out. She will start scrambling to figure out what is going on. I agree with reading Shirley Glass's book. Also I agree, it is so hard for us BS to understand and accept, but it is not about us. It took me 6 months to believe it. Everytime our MC told me that, I would get pissed b/c, yes, is sure does feel about me. Good luck and update us.

sad12008 posted 1/28/2015 17:24 PM

@SleepyCat (and anyone else reading):

The problem with communication and cheating spouses seems to be that most of the time if the BS talks about distance in the relationship or ask about red flags they've observed, the WS lies, denies, and goes further underground.

I think you have to be willing to give up your relationship if you want to have the chance to really reconcile.

craig2001 posted 1/28/2015 17:27 PM

The problem with communication and cheating spouses seems to be that most of the time if the BS talks about distance in the relationship or ask about red flags they've observed, the WS lies, denies, and goes further underground.
For the most part, I agree with Sleepy Cat.

I think it is a great idea you have the divorce papers all ready. But I think you should confront her and see how that goes. And then if needed have her served.

The anger part, and picturing in your mind having her served and shocked probably feels pretty good though.

If you want shock and awe, have her served at work considering the OM is her boss.

Is divorce your goal, or is there a chance of reconciling?

annb posted 1/28/2015 17:27 PM

You've got a really crappy situation on your hands, but it seems like there's something lacking in your marriage. Is it something about communication channels?

^^^^Spaceghost, do not listen to this!!!!!!!!!!

One thing you will learn from this site is that all marriages have problems, little ones, big ones, but THERE IS NEVER ANY JUSTIFICATION FOR CHEATING!

Your wife cheating has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! REPEAT THAT TO YOURSELF OVER AND OVER! IT HAS TO DO WITH SOMETHING INSIDE OF HER that is lacking. She had other options, communication, counseling, separation.

Her cheating is on her, don't ever accept blame for her actions!!

You are doing great for a newbie, take a deep breath.

Check out the healing library in the upper left hand corner....chock full of great information, and knowledge is power.

Continue to post and read, you have come to the best place for advice and support

Also at the top of this page is the Tactical Primer...great article.

[This message edited by annb at 5:29 PM, January 28th (Wednesday)]

Hopefuldad468 posted 1/28/2015 17:27 PM

I too am very sorry that you have joined us....but I must say that I am very proud of how you are handling things. When you do confront eventually, never cry, never get upset, never show what you will likely feel....it works better this way....

Sounds like this is a deal-breaker for you.

Firstly, there is no one answer WHY ....each wayward is broken in their own special ways.

You keep dwelling on the "money" or the "looks" - it is almost never about that from most. It is NOT really even about you. It is typically ALL about her.

My WW chose someone that was a loser when it came to money, his looks are not bad (but don't do much for me or others), etc.

Essentially it was down to wanting something new, exciting, dangerous, taboo and different.

What it was about was her need to have attention from other men (strokes her ego), wanting to be "needed" by someone (I was perceived as not needing her somehow), something "exotic" (as AP was not of same background), and really the main reason I find is WW liked the "danger" and "thrill" of the sneaking around to do what she was doing (even more than the actual physical acts she reports) and he was a "bad" person (and I am too nice).

She clearly had feelings for the AP, but told him she would never leave our marriage....

Why people would risk everything good in their life for some thrills and for something that actually caused even more sadness and pain with no real future or gratifying benefit is beyond explanation.....but is that also not why people take drugs and feed other addictions.....


meaniemouse posted 1/28/2015 17:38 PM

SpaceGhost,
I so wish I had done exactly as you did when I suspected my ex of cheating. Seriously you could give lessons. I truly respect your self-discipline in such a horrible situation. Regardless of what happens, someone like you will be fine after all of this is over.
Please know that your wife's affair has very little, and probably nothing to do with you. This is on her 100%. Even if she was unhappy in your marriage, and it doesn't sound at all like she was, you don't make yourself happy by cheating on your spouse who loves and cares for you. Especially given your history, which I'm sure you have shared with her--it seems like she chose possibly the one thing that would be the most devastating to you.
As far as her boss being loaded----since he's married it's doubtful that he will leave his wife and half (or more) of his money to be with your wife, beautiful as she may be. There are a lot of beautiful-on-the-outside-women who are easily entranced with fancy restaurants and a fat wallet. I'm sure her boss knows this because your wife is probably not his first extramarital affair. He probably uses his $$ to get beautiful women in his bed because without it, he would probably wouldn't have a chance. Seems kind of pathetic.

Frankly I am taking perverse pleasure in hearing about what happens when you spring the news on your wife that you are divorcing her. Most of us on this site are the surprised ones, when we find out what our unfaithful spouses have been up to. From where I'm sitting, I'm happy that for once, a BS is going to be the one with the bigger surprise.
And trust me, despite your experience with your mother and your wife, there are faithful women who will appreciate the love and trust of a faithful man who loves them. There's one in your future. For sure.
Hang in there and good luck.

devotedman posted 1/28/2015 17:40 PM

SpaceGhost0007, so sorry.

the whys are very personal. it is always the broken ws and not the betrayed that is the source.

not your earnings or your attitude or amount of fun. though the ws will blame each and all in an attempt to blameshift and justify. it is their selfish brokenness thar is the real cause.

months or years of counseling might get them to the point of being ablle to identify what their root problem is but by then a healthy you will not care.

so for your own peace know it was nothing but them. no vows or money or love or cars or houses would keep them from cheating.

gently i say get tested for stds. you do not know how many OM or his wife has had as partners but you do know OM cheats on his wife and likely yours too.

add checkks for chlamydia trichomonas hpv hep a b c hsv1 and hsv2. i got hsv2 from mine so get tested.

good luck.

SpaceGhost0007 posted 1/28/2015 17:46 PM

Thank you all for posting to my question. It has helped reading through since I honestly did not think she would ever do it.

SleepyCat asked why I have not sat down and talked to her and get answers and the reason is pretty simple. Before we married and certainly before I suspected an affair we had discussed affairs. After what my Mom did I told my wife that she should talk to me if she was unhappy because I would not forgive any kind of affair.

The way for me to hurt her the most is to not be there when she gets served. I do know this will hurt her not being able to talk to me. I already know she has went away with him at least 3 times so I know I will not forgive her.

I did like the responses. I honestly am thinking about everything trying to figure out why. I may never get the answer but I do appreciate the responses. Sometimes there is no good reason but I am trying to stay strong. I just honestly thought we were happy.

craig2001 posted 1/28/2015 17:50 PM

At the same time the divorce is being served, have a certified letter delivered to the OM's wife letting her know what happened. She also has a right to know and how to proceed.

Alaska77 posted 1/28/2015 17:54 PM

You're my hero. God, I wish I had a poker face. Seriously, mad props, space ghost.

SleepyCat posted 1/28/2015 18:03 PM

*BS Replies Only*

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:37 AM, January 29th (Thursday)]

longsadstory1952 posted 1/28/2015 18:05 PM

I don't have much to add except that sooner or later you are going to have to have "the talk." So you need to be thinking about what if anything you will accept if she tries a full on effort to avoid divorce. Also, be thinking about what happens if she goes into denial and then total war mode.

There is no telling her mind set but she probably is demonizing you and is in "love" with him. God knows the lies they have told and what she really believes. Just know that the only "cure" here is action, and that anything she says must be considered self serving and anything she says must be viewed as a lie.

You have many options going forward. For now, get ready to go into bunker mode. What is the plan after day three? Where will you live? What will the plan be with the kids? You will need to sort this out, and soon. Good luck to you.

Lovedyoumore posted 1/28/2015 18:06 PM

So, given your history with your own mom and your hurt as a child, what are your plans concerning your own children? I know they are in college, but you did not mention how you were going to handle this with them. They may be young adults, but their world is going to blow up, too. You said you had no indication that your wife was a cheater. I imagine they also think they are part of a whole, happy family. You did not mention them in your plan. They will be devastated and I hope you have a plan for them also.

Sorry you are here.

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