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honey, they always affair down...

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Betrayed20 posted 1/10/2018 03:34 AM

Very helpful and inspiring post. Thank you

Mamacesto posted 1/10/2018 05:51 AM

Great post which I need to read over and over again. You see, I do feel the OW is better than me. Maybe not her values but her looks, body, sex and everything else. I feel like I'm a piece of trash next to her. I guess someday I will get my self-confidence and some of my self-esteem back. I sure hope so.
Thanks for posting!

The1stWife posted 1/12/2018 21:51 PM

My corporate America H with his suits and ties had an A with a decades younger OW. Sheís covered in tattoos and a drama queen with a long history of failed relationships.

He told her his friends would accept her no problem.

Yeah well his friendís wives would not.

And you would be bringing a girl who is proud to show the tattoos on her boobs and neck and arms and chest to a corporate board? I mean seriously - my H would have been the butt if the office jokes on that one.

These ďolderĒ men who marry much younger bimbos are clueless to what people say behind their backs. Mostly she married him for $

anthony posted 1/13/2018 20:21 PM

This hits the nail on the head. - from a betrayed husband

Mywholelife posted 1/15/2018 07:33 AM

Thank you. This post just made my day. I feel the same way.In my case. The OW's husband told me his wife was nothing but trailer park trash (his words). And my WH told me she is disgusting and convenient. Your post just confirmed what i've been feeling. SHe's not intelligent or interesting - she's sleazy - to the point where she'd tell my husband about other men she'd been with. Lovely!
So, thank you for confirming that I am so much better!

The1stWife posted 1/15/2018 13:41 PM

Ladies in this thread.

There is a line from an old rock&roll song that goes like this:

A pretty face donít mean no pretty 💜 heart

And itís true!!!

Anyone can look good with $ and fake boobs and plastic surgery and injections and a gym membership.

Anyone who wants to sleep around and sleep with MM can have an A. Or a boyfriend. Or be used and discarded like trash.

But that is NOT who we are. We are people with souls and morals and a heart and principles raising our kids and loving our Hs or BFs or SOs.

We look good. We are pretty. We are funny. We are good people!!! But we have to stop comparing ourselves to women who are single or no kids or selfish or trashy.

We are better than that. If my H doesnít love me b/c I gain weight - well then I married the most shallow person I know. And that does not make a good partner.

And so sorry for him that he just doesnít appreciate a kind and loving spouse who was only too happy to be a good partner and responsible parent and kind hearted person. Who was financially responsible. Didnít run up my credit cards. Wasnít a shopaholic or alcoholic or have any serious issues. His loss then.

I dont want to be viewed as a person always drinking too much and acting horribly in public. I donít want to embarrass my family.

We need to feel strong and confident about us!! We are who we are. And we are something good. Despite our CHs.

Anything is possible. Okay almost anything. But if our cheating spouses donít want to value us then we need to make sure that WE value us!!!

The other line from a different song goes like this:

...we live our lives in chains ..and we never even know we have the keyĒ

We always have options. Even if you think you donít. You do!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:45 PM, January 15th (Monday)]

Twinkies posted 1/15/2018 14:29 PM

I appreciate this

she wasn't able to keep him even considering he was in a "loveless, sexless" marriage to a "cold-hearten woman." Because isn't that the way it always is? How pathetic that she's given the answer to the test, gave it her all, and she still failed? Self-esteem erosion 101.

The1stWife posted 1/15/2018 16:16 PM

Or that she had to look in the mirror (at any given moment) and realize she was used like a piece of trash and discarded.

That is who the AP is - a discarded person when the A ends.

That cannot build up anyoneís self esteem if they are a sane rational person. Knowing that is who you are or were has to make you feel bad about yourself. If you stop to acknowledge it.

I asked my therapist what happens to girls who sleep around in HS and jump from one relationship (if you call two weeks screwing around a relationship) to another or A to A and he said I have a long client list filled with women like that. They are not happy and still have a lot of problems that should have been addressed years ago.

SunAfterRain posted 1/31/2018 15:40 PM

Thank you! I will definitely be reading this anytime I need the reminder! She took so much from me but NEVER got all of his heart, all of his time, his ring on her finger or his children. Those are all things that I have now and will have going forward. She took time from us, but just a small fraction of it. Stay strong SIerís!

[This message edited by SunAfterRain at 3:41 PM, January 31st (Wednesday)]

Angelvictorious posted 1/31/2018 21:21 PM

She accepts the very worst parts of our husbands; the liar, the cheater, the deceiver, the broken man. His behavior is lower than low, but thatís okay with her. Sheís accepts trashy behavior, because she is trash.

That!! This sums up the ow so well.

Thank you.

minusone posted 4/24/2018 17:03 PM

bump

steadychevy posted 4/24/2018 17:33 PM

Goes the other way, too. My WW chased her AP hard until he caught her. He attracted her attention one day and he became the (willing) prey. WW knew he was married. Later she found out his wife left him for fucking a different woman but after they started playing footsie. I guess that heightened his appeal to her knowing he was a cheater. They both said they weren't going to live together. She wasn't leaving me. There was no future with him. Nice play thing, though, if you don't get caught.

Maycat posted 4/24/2018 18:10 PM

Thanks for the bump- I'd seen this thread several times but didn't read it since I didn't think it applied to us. But it DOES. The OW is still mostly a mystery to me, but after a few more months of further insight... she doesn't matter. She's not prettier, younger, better, smarter. 'Mostly alone' is one way WH described her...well geez, wonder why?

burninghouse posted 4/24/2018 18:51 PM

THANK YOU for this!!!

My self-esteem has taken a massive blow. I feel lower than dirt.

It's still early in the betrayal, but I can't shake the sad fact: he did not choose me but instead some lying, cheating, seriously f-ed up chick.

She's a lot younger than me and, I'm sure in his eyes, so much "better" in so many ways.

But the truth is: she's a homewrecker, cheater and liar, just like him. She has serious ISSUES. So does he - and not the kind that I can claim.

I thank goodness I am not like her! Or him for that matter!

Saving this to read often!

[This message edited by burninghouse at 6:52 PM, April 24th (Tuesday)]

PurpleHaze posted 4/24/2018 20:02 PM

THANK YOU!!! I love this, I needed this. I agree with another post, I am standing up cheering and have a huge smile on my face!

yuvas posted 4/24/2018 22:48 PM

It took me a long time to really understand the meaning of this. I used to believe that it was in relation to physical attractiveness or educational/career success but it really has nothing to do with that.

My eye opening experience was when I stumbled across an OW board, itís member only so I created an account and joined. Itís a very protected forum so there are no outside views or comments (from non OP) allowed so they can talk freely and honestly. Itís one of the most painful and disturbing places Iíve ever ventured. Regardless of how successful or attractive these women are the anguish, mistreatment, willful blindness and mental gymnastics they put themselves through is disturbing. You have to be in a very damaged place emotionally and spiritually to live like that - Iím not talking in a moral sense, rather from a psychological - to keep yourself in such a state.

For us we (me at least) think the OP gets the best side of our spouses, that they get the love, excitement, trips away and attention. And and times they do, but Iíve learnt these moments are relatively infrequent peaks in some very, very deep troughs.

Ive no doubt this was the experience of my exH OW, they went on to have an extremely tumultuous relationship over the next four years, lots of breaks ups, fights, drama even more cheating. When they broke up for good he moved onto another (married and pregnant with her husbands child ) woman who heís since married. I donít know - or even care- if theyíre happy but it demonstrates a solid pattern of brokenness on his part and the women who he chooses - which included me when we were teens and got together.

The OW was much older than us, she missed her childbearing years on the drama coaster that was this relationship. Sheíd now be about 50 and Iíd make an educated guess still alone, because sadly for her relationships seem to mean instability, and the narcissistic love cycle that both she and my ex seem to need (idealise, devalue, discard).

For the most part, no matter how pretty or accomplished women (or men but this is based on my experience) who chose to be the OW are emotionally damaged. These days I just feel sorry for exH OW and others like them, it takes so much trauma to get to the point in your life that youíre willing to be so mistreated.

Edie posted 4/25/2018 11:36 AM

So glad to see that Death by Betrayal's insightful post is still helping so many.

PurpleHaze posted 4/28/2018 11:26 AM

Another bump for this amazing thread.

Heartbrokeness posted 4/28/2018 17:41 PM

Wow this is powerful thank you for posting it. I really needed to read that right now x

litost posted 4/29/2018 19:21 PM

Thank you for this post; it made me feel better in regards to my OW angst for the very first time. Every point you made rings true.

It's a waking nightmare when you doubt yourself because of your spouse's actions. My confidence and self-esteem were nuked. I was certain she had to be better than me in some way since she "won," and he chose her. In the end, she got a crappy prize, and discarded it last I checked.

A WS isn't wired right. And social comparison is a rigged game you can never win for long.

Bumping this thread again in case it can help someone else.

[This message edited by litost at 7:24 PM, April 29th (Sunday)]

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