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Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses - Part 3

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hopefulkate posted 7/8/2017 11:06 AM

I need to process some more on things of late. Thank you all for your responses. Damn rabbit holes...

Right now I am reliving the A again. Doubting he can love me....even though I *know* why he acted! Even I can see it as being used again and not exactly what he wanted....

Damn hormones too...

DM - I often think living alone with cats would be safer too. I will be back to respond more properly when I can.

2F- hi!!!!!

[This message edited by hopefulkate at 11:09 AM, July 8th (Saturday)]

Lavender0916 posted 7/8/2017 13:08 PM

Thank you huge HopefulKate and 2F!!
I needed that.
HopefulKate - I am concerned about your comment reliving the A again. I know I am only 2 months out(plus my WH addict can't stop his re-enactment with AP/AB) and they say this takes 2 years to come close to trusting your partner again. Is there something your WH is saying to you? Is there something WH is doing that leaves you doubting? I noticed all the work you have been doing. So proud of you for how far you come. Yea, hormones do not help either. Thinking about you too.

HopefulKate, No I didn't go to the other site. I like this one. Much more encouraging. There are a couple of folks would say things I probably don't want to hear right now-even though they are true. WH texted me last night after work and came home to sleep upstairs. Did not disturb me. I didn't care-to exhausted. He wanted to talk to the kids. Only to find out after he left early (never does that) that he told the kids to take care of me and that I am an "Angel". Here we go again. (not biting, not biting, not biting) Before he left he asked me if there is any chance of reconcile. I said we make two lists. List our needs and wants. Then negotiate what we are willing to tolerate. We need to make it clear what we are willing to accept or not to stay in the relationship. I said I am not working on Monday. We can talk when he gets off work on Sunday or Monday morning. I asked if he needed more time. He said no. 'Child' wanted a hug so I gave him one. One day at a time. Meanwhile, I am going to go to a BBQ today with a good friend tonight. Then ask a friend of mine to give me a long needed massage. On top of my Mt. Everest of laundry

Hugs to everyone on this site!

hopefulkate posted 7/8/2017 15:46 PM

Yeah, the other site is a bit harsh most of the time, I get that. I hardly go there myself.

I like the listing idea of wants and needs to decide the future, though how can you get the teen on board right now? It sounds like your husband is on board and WANTS and LOVES you, and the child too, but that teen is SCARED. Assuming teen would say angry and not scared, but that's just how teens are.

Ugh to the push pull. It is HARD!!!

As for me, I don't really get why I am in a funk again. I think it is just because the AP was brought back into my life via our guests last week in constant conversations. It was hard.

And I have a lot of FOO to process still it seems.

My WH is amazing. He isn't always an adult. He isn't always happy. But he treats me very well and supports me no matter what. Honestly, I could handle all of this if it wasn't for this...pain or something I can't exactly explain. Like, I hear the counselors tell me that he loves me, he shows me in actions every day, but something inside doubts. The betrayal, it's just deep, and I have so much betrayal in my life, so I think this will just be hard to get over. Love, believing, trust? Something like that.

And this could just be my FOO.

hopefulkate posted 7/8/2017 15:58 PM

Came back to add:

Reading in another forum here - I think another part of my issue is that I haven't fully accepted or grieved the loss of our story. The one I used to love so much. To be so lucky....though even as I write this that story tanked long before the A...hmmm I need to think more...

Just thinking "out loud"....

Lavender0916 posted 7/9/2017 15:35 PM

Hi Hopefulkate,
We never give ourselves enough time to grieve. It's part of our upbringing. I actually had a family member tell me at my Mom's funeral to start taking care of my Dad and put my focus there. I am like WTF?

I honestly don't think I will be able to get "Protector" on board. My daughter who has DID herself says you need to do it in a room with a professional. (Roller coaster big hill - weeee) Will do my best. You also mentioned maybe not in this post that it took a couple of months before your WH could tell the truth. Yes the A really hurts but I think the lying is worse!! Which then in turns wonder if they truly love you due to the lack of empathy.

One thing I didn't notice on any of the sites, except for physical abuse is drug abuse or alcohol abuse? Has anyone's WH SAS also dealt with excessive marijuana use or alcohol?

Thanks again HFK - Don't forget to grieve!! Don't forget to grieve with friends, your Husband, or even kids. My case, my friends Cabernet and Chardonnay. People think it's taboo to cry in front of your kids. It's actually not as bad as folks think and teaches them it's ok to be in the moment.

hugs to you

hopefulkate posted 7/10/2017 10:32 AM

I agree with your stepdaughter, that part does need to be done in therapy, and until then, he can't be safe for you?

As for your question, yes, alcohol and drugs are absolutely other self harm behaviors of survivors - think of it as the cutting analogy -

there is this pain, and it is too much, but if I induce this other pain, for a brief moment I will experience a high (that may just bring them to 'normal'), which feels pain free. This becomes quickly addictive, as addressing the pain seems impossible and too frightening.

Make sense? My mother's outlet was shopping. Another gambling. YouMeI started drinking A LOT before the big crack. We both struggle with not relying on alcohol on tough days. Not enough to impair or be unsafe for the kids, but certainly a bit to knock the edge off. Healthy? Not exactly, but doing so with the full disclosure to all therapists and doctors, blood/organ checks...so the healthiest way to be unhealthy???

It's not unusual at all. It's actually not only for survivors of abuse - survivors of any trauma can turn to those vices to stop the pain.

I have found patterns of physical abuse too, unfortunately. You may see more of that in the other forum. It has many darker stories with darker partners who have been unable to help themselves. I see many survivors here with amazing wills and determination to not let the past rule them.

Lavender0916 posted 7/10/2017 17:57 PM

Hi All,
The walkthrough of the list worked REALLY well!! The Protector came out in the beginning trying to avoid the walkthrough with being extremely flirty. However, we did it. He apologized profusely. We came up with a plan. HE CONTACTED A THERAPIST TODAY!! SENT ME THE SCREENSHOT!! I know I am getting overexcited on this, but it is a big first step. He said very interesting things (all of us on this site know already) but he is finally getting a clue he dissociates. The "only form of affection he knows is with sex..." the list goes on but it was a huge talk. One we needed. He wants to keep the talking going and not stop (WHOA) To constantly check in.
My son actually got the nerve to tell him at breakfast, That he makes promises he never keeps. I thought my WH's teen/protector would explode!! but no..just said that does hurt but we need to change it. Tomorrow they plan to work on our roof that leaked in the winter. I know Protector is tucked in there somewhere...the calm before the storm. When protector comes out...i walk away. I have to learn to detach emotionally. (That is a huge behavior change for me - to not be co-dependent). I know this looks good and a positive step...one day at a time and a bottle of wine...

hopefulkate posted 7/10/2017 19:50 PM

Great news!!!!!

And heck yeah! One day and a great bottle of red for me :)

Lavender0916 posted 7/13/2017 13:01 PM

Day 4 since consequences were graphically registered on paper.

I am trying to understand WH "happiness" high. Like I used to feel coming out of confession (with good priests). Everday I have seen his phone. He texts me all day. He and my son are doing so much together. Plus WH has been referred to one of the best EMDR specialists for IC, and has openings!!His assignment was to call the dude today. No exceptions

Again, hopeful stuff but it seems uneasy. Like HopefulKate, calling him on his radical behavior changes (sh**) even with the kids. Here I go again talking about WH. Me, ups and downs, makes me sick to think about it. I had a difficult day processing everything. It's emotionally exhausting to constantly keep transparency. Luckily work has an awesome gym and I go at least 3x a week. Night sweats have improved. Here I thought I was perio-menopausal. Finally going to get a physical(my primary docs keep retiring - taking it personal). Physical energy is improving. Which helps with keeping up on the transparency.

devotedman posted 7/14/2017 08:19 AM

Congratulations on the improvements, to the both of you.

Skan posted 7/14/2017 18:12 PM

You both sound like you're having some fantastic insights and responses!

Lavender0916 posted 7/14/2017 21:05 PM

Thank you Skan and DM!

DM - I was wondering if you had any insight on the current happiness high. Or maybe it's just the "kid". When kids do stuff to make their parents happy they act like this...(LIGHTBULB)

Yes he called the EMDR specialist yesterday (booyah). Believe it or not living in CA we are members of a gun range. It's something besides dancing we like to do together. He keeps using his targets as metaphors..."even though the holes are scattered on the target it helps him focus on the center". His center is me and his family. I sure hope he is not blowing clear smoke up my A$$. Not buying all the sweet talk. He most know that because he pours it on super thick. LOL

I went to yet another site for Partners of Sex Addicts to get some insight on how to manage my boundaries and his increasing "need" while trying to heal. On the same token wonder if he is going to "run" off again. I know, not my problem and if he does we are done. (Still working on my poor crushed heart with that one) One thing at a time. Plus we "negotiated" wants and needs and I agreed to helping. I know nothing of this stuff.

I digress - anyhoo, the ladies (lady site) were very sweet at first then all of sudden started calling me a child abuser because I am trying to reconcile and I am putting the kids in danger? WHA? They commented that there are no success stories for Sex Addicts.
I asked the administrator to remove me. The administrator was very kind and supportive and empathetic. I didn't have much time to type so some things got lost in translation. UGH This stuff is super hard as it is..I thought I was on an episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. I remember when I first started posting on this site, not sure if it was Skan, or 2frayedsouls, questioned something I said, but it was not in any means judgmental. It was UBER supportive and they got clarity.
I learned my lesson. This is the best site at least for me. I am not condoning the site. Maybe they meant well. Regardless, it hurt me and don't need that.

No, I don't know if it is an addiction. It is something though.

Followtheriver posted 7/22/2017 22:32 PM

This is the first time that I have posted on this thread. I am having a rough time tonight and I hope putting it in writing will help. My BH is out of town so I don't have anyone to talk this through. I don't even know where to start.

My parents divorced when I was 5. My dad married and I got a wicked stepmother. My mom started dating some real "winners" until she brought home, let's call him "Ron" He drank, didn't have a job and he always wanted to hug me. I was 7. I can't stand the smell of beer to this day.

The first time, we were going home and Ron had been drinking so mom was going to drive. When we got in the car, I remember that I wanted to lay down in the backseat because it was so late, I was really tired and I had school the next day. But Ron wanted me to sit on his lap. My mom told me to be a good girl and just sit on his lap. I did. He fondled me for the first time. My mom looked straight ahead and drove. I was 7 or 8. We moved to town to be closer to Ron. I moved to Hell.

I had 2 dogs. Diablo was a Doberman who was my protector. One day I came home from school and he was just gone. I also had Prince, he was a Cocker Spaniel mix. He never left my side. He went everywhere with me, he even slept with me. One day he was put outside and not allowed in the house anymore. I had felt safe with Prince, now I didn't.

I started putting all of my stuffed animals around me on the bed. It didn't work. I pretended to be asleep, I kept my eyes closed. I asked God to help me.

One night I thought God had listened. My mom was standing in the doorway of my bedroom. I heard her say "Ron get out of there." I thought I was saved but I wasn't. I remember my mom pulling him out of my bed at least 2 more times and I remember all the times she didn't.

My mom knew, she did nothing to stop it. She looked the other way.

I am 50 years old and I don't know what to do with all of this shit,how to process it.

I am in IC with a wonderful therapist. It's just bad tonight. Sorry if I'm rambling.

hopefulkate posted 7/23/2017 20:44 PM

I'm so, so sorry. None of that is ok. I hope today is better and you can look around and see that today,you are safe. Today it is ok.

What can you do just for you today?

Skan posted 7/24/2017 16:04 PM

Hey there, follow the river. Welcome. I'm glad that you felt comfortable enough to post and reach out. I'm even more glad that you have a good IC to talk to. How are you doing today?

Lavender0916 posted 7/27/2017 00:36 AM

Hi Followtheriver, welcome!
Thank you for sharing. I know it's not easy. Glad you found us. This is a safe place.

Adlham posted 7/27/2017 05:04 AM

Ugh, FollowTheRiver, we have some similarities. My mom's husband has the same gross name (apologies to all the decent humans named Ron) and is a raging alcoholic. Not only that, but my mom accused me of fantasizing when I tried to tell her. Yeah, because all 8 years olds fantasize about some drunk asshole feeling them up!

I'm so sorry. Please keep reaching out. Please keep up the work in therapy.

Most importantly, please know that you are not alone.

hopefulkate posted 7/29/2017 02:26 AM

I'm not sure what I want to write or what I want to say. When I decided to write my book about all of this, I just sort of opened my heart too, and I started talking to so many people. Strangers in stores, and in crosswalks. Friends for years and new ones just met...and they are sharing with me.

It is beautiful! But also...I'm not sure of the word.

Has anyone seen the Santa Claus starring Tim Allen? There is a scene where kids just walk up to him and tell him what they want for Christmas.

No joke, this has been my life for the past few months, except it is more, what did your parents do to you?! 😂

I laugh or I cry. You choose

Anyway....is this part of growing up? Healing? Or...being broken and healing and attracting others that are looking to heal from their brokenness too?

Maybe this shouldn't go here. I don't know. My life is so weird.

Today I made a drs appointment for my sister's boyfriends teenage daughter, because apparently she lives with my sister now??? And I am far too versed in medical knowledge and knew she needed a dr. Seriously...I just...I don't even know right now.

I'm tired.

And I'm on....vacation.

hopefulkate posted 7/29/2017 14:42 PM

Posted in general. Shouldn't have. Content of left out info goes here and my reasons for not telling BS go here. Ugh....life is so grey. Bummer.

Skan posted 7/29/2017 14:49 PM

Girl, it sounds like you need a mud bath, followed by a serious dip in a mineral springs!

Oh wait, you're gonna get that tomorrow! Try and let it all go for the day, and simply be.

except it is more, what did your parents do to you?!

1. I beg your pardon?
2. I don't believe that we've been introduced???
3. Guess you'll have to buy the book to find out!
4. None of your f-ing business!
5. Long, level stare, letting the question twist in the wind and just hang there.
6. Are you a professional asshole, or just a talented amateur?
7. Get your prurient deviancy satisfied online, like most bottom feeders.

And I'm sure that you can come up with a few more.

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