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Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses - Part 3

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onlytime posted 7/29/2017 16:48 PM

Posted in general. Shouldn't have. Content of left out info goes here and my reasons for not telling BS go here. Ugh....life is so grey. Bummer.

Life is absolutely grey, and as I'm sure you already know, when people are hurting things tend be seen as very black and white.

Listen to and trust your gut Kate.

hopefulkate posted 7/30/2017 10:35 AM

Love you ladies. Thank you so so much!

Skan- boy you will be missed! I totally laughed out loud at your list. Saved it for later!!! 😘

hopefulkate posted 7/30/2017 18:56 PM

Although i fatigued and flaked a bit early (I've been going non stop!), I got to meet some super awesome fellow SI'ers last week and today!!!!

First time for me. The power of the village is incredible. Thanks for meeting with me ladies!

Reach out everyone! Sharing is caring!

....even if you need to go and take a nap after!

ISurvivedSoFar posted 7/31/2017 09:19 AM

Followtheriver - I am so sorry for this:

I am 50 years old and I don't know what to do with all of this shit,how to process it.
I truly weep for your pain, the same way I weep for my WS who had a similar situation. I cannot imagine how horrible it must have been to be so unsafe in your own home. It leaves you with an emptiness that is difficult to manage and for some reason the magical age of 50 brings it out.

Please see an IC and think about EMDR therapy to process your trauma. It helps. I know my WS told me that after the EMDR therapy, he is no longer in constant fear for the first time in his life. He can recall many abuses that happened and talk about them more readily for the first time in the twenty years we've been together.

You'll also need to find new coping skills to start to rewire your brain into more positive thoughts and outcomes. This can be done but it takes a long time. From what I see with my WS, it is worth it.

(((hugs)))

ISurvivedSoFar posted 7/31/2017 09:31 AM

Hopefulkate - fun, fun, fun...and what a rock star you are!!!

After we departed, DD said, "You have some great friends. Where did you meet them?" Turns out the power of the village has long arms. We opened up a conversation about how we met and the areas in common we have with regard to our stories. We also revealed to her for the first time the psychological challenges and "condition" of WS. She had incredible insights into his behavior.

It's all out now and we don't have to focus on hiding our truths from each other. She is opening up to me, recognizing my love for the first time, understanding the dynamics of the family with a new more compassionate lens, and hopefully breaking down her walls now, leaving herself open for healthy relationships.

Aaaaah....I'm feeling better and it is all thanks to your part in this village. Our village is a healing village if we let ourselves learn from each other, and walk through the truth.

These are the things that let us know we can heal, we can move forward happily. The A is a horrible, horrible part of our lives. But learning about ourselves is beautiful and a way to find the roses among the thorns.

Lavender0916 posted 8/4/2017 10:25 AM

I haven't been on here in a while. Getting ready for vacation and being on vacation.

Yea, HFK, you made it home ok. Love this Village

onlytime posted 8/4/2017 13:21 PM

Just wanted to share some good news.

After trying to get help for the C-PTSD for the past year and a half I was finally accepted into a trauma treatment program that will start in the new year!! They use Cognitive Processing Therapy, which is what I had been looking for!!

I am feeling very hopeful.

devotedman posted 8/4/2017 13:26 PM

Congratulations! I do hope that the therapy helps.

Followtheriver posted 8/7/2017 15:01 PM

Thank you all who replied to my last post. I am so sorry for not coming back sooner. It is sometimes hard for me to read replies.

Now I am going through some even deeper shit and I don't even know what the hell I am supposed to be feeling.

Because we just pretended that nothing ever happened, I still talk to my mom and even see her about once a year. Honestly, I still love my mom, I always have.

Anyway, she called me on Saturday to tell me that "Ron" the man who molested me is dying and only has a couple of weeks to live. Yep, she stayed with him and they have been together 43 years.

Thank God I have an IC appointment on Wednesday because I am falling apart.

Good news is that last week I was able to tell my BH that I knew the man who molested me and so does he. My BH was amazing and wonderful. It is during these moments that I know we are going to make it. As broken as I am right now my BH is being strong for me.

Again, thank you all for being here. It really helps to put all this down here. It just got me through a really rough moment.

Lavender0916 posted 8/7/2017 21:22 PM

Hi Village,

I have a question for the group. Did MC happen right away after discovery? My WH wants IC 1st (smart) but has been seriously dragging ass about it. Still no initial session. It's been 1.5 months now
from the get counseling or we are done stmt. The therapist has been on vacation. Thinking it will start soon. Maybe I am being pushy, however the pain of the affair just comes out of the blue. Especially when WH is out and about. hate the anxiety. My IC helps and saw her today. These initial months are so hard when you don't trust them at all.

devotedman posted 8/8/2017 07:01 AM

Followtheriver, it is hard to be in your situation.

I understand that your feelings are so very jumbled right now. I get it.

As for what you should be feeling, well, you should not be feeling any emotions of lowered self-worth. You should realize that your mother's decisions were her own and are her own. They do not reflect upon you. You should also lean on your BH and allow him the opportunity to help.

Admitting to someone else that we were molested and who the person is is a big step. It really is. There are more steps to take but you took a big one. They will be hard. You can do it.

ISurvivedSoFar posted 8/8/2017 08:19 AM

Followtheriver - And now you know what true love is.

Good news is that last week I was able to tell my BH that I knew the man who molested me and so does he. My BH was amazing and wonderful. It is during these moments that I know we are going to make it. As broken as I am right now my BH is being strong for me.
That man, the one that got so hurt by you, is sticking with you and helping you to understand that you are worthy of love, not abuse. I don't know how much more he could do to show you that you are loved and that your past does not have to lead to more pain and devastation.

I am always amazed by the level of abuse that some folks have weathered and how it comes back in a different form as adults. For WS's like you who are facing themselves, their past, and are willing to openly discuss the trauma, life can be good moving forward and some BS's can show compassion for the little child that was never respected, protected, and loved as they deserved.

I am truly sorry for your pain and for a childhood filled with trauma nobody deserves. You have a great BH who loves the great person he sees in you.

ISurvivedSoFar posted 8/8/2017 08:46 AM

Lavender - I think we have to walk this crazy line that on the one hand we have compassion for the horrors of our WS's childhood. On the other hand, they have learned how to survive and sometimes it comes at the expense of others because as children nobody was there to save them. And it is that part of them we need to be sure to show tough love (IMHO) because no matter their issues, they cannot harm us or the kids any longer.

Hopefulkate really helped me and my WS who has three distinct personalities (ego states). He is not completely DID, but he has one dimensional parts of himself that come and go like multiple personalities. She taught me to show love to all of the personalities and to let them know their value. That was a real turning point for us. But what comes along with that is clear boundaries for our WS's and each of their personalities. When teenager comes out, he is typically protecting the little boy who lives in fear and he will run down anything in his path until I stop him and tell him I'm not interested in speaking with him. Poof - teenager tends to disappear at that point and the adult comes back to me.

We get caught unaware sometimes however and our last bout was a full day before we realized teenager was out and doing his protective/destructive thing. That's hard because during the last one, I told my WS we were done, over, no longer a couple and he needed to leave our house immediately. We recovered but it was not fun. At least he knows the boundaries. On the other hand, I get to see my WS's deep feelings because he usually exercises transference, where he openly blames me and it is a reflection of his feelings about himself. It opens the door for better reflection and understanding.

I'm still learning and we're working on integration. He sees an IC who has done a lot of EMDR therapy which has helped him process the traumas somewhat. He tells me he is not afraid all of the time the way he was all of his life. This is good.

Hang in there. I don't know that there is a book on this but Hopefulkate is as close to that book I know. She understands the psychology of this stuff. It's folks like her and others on SI that have clearly changed the trajectory of my life and the life of Mr. ISurvived.

hopefulkate posted 8/8/2017 19:25 PM

Follow the river: wow, I'm so sorry for the wound to be opened but wow! Good for you for sharing!!!! That is so huge!!! As for feelings, let them come and go as they will and try not to fight them. (Fighting makes them stay longer.). Just keep in mind, this too shall pass.

Lavender: Hope your vacation was awesome!!! In response to your question, IC is always a good idea before MC after a DDay, and especially when we are supporting a survivor. We both need to take care of ourselves before being able to come back to the marriage again. I will give my two cents and take it or leave it: We did MC and IC right away. This was important for me to help me wrap my head around just what the hell happened to my "good man". As time went on and the emergency stage waned, I felt less inclined to work on the marriage, and more comfortable with him (and myself when I could) getting help to be safer for me. Periodically we would see one of our therapists as our MC to check in and work on some communication, as well as help each of our IC see the other side of our stories. (Again, more important for me to see Mr Kate's IC so I could relate how all persona's were doing.)

We are almost ready, at 2.5 years out, to go back to MC. We still have areas for improvement, and are almost ready to talk about things like love languages, communication, common goals, and co-parenting (in the sense that I need to relinquish control more and both of us could do a better job parenting as a team, and less of getting manipulated by our kiddos!)

For me, I needed a combo approach, that ebbs and flows as I feel ready to deal with the M or not. Hooray that your WH is going to start counseling!!!

ISurvivedSoFar: Wow! Thank you for the kind words!! Your DD was pretty darn awesome to meet too, I hope she knows that too! And kudos to sharing!! The truth is such a great healer.

My goal is to have my book finished by December. I have not put it here yet, as I want to run my questions by the mods, but I hope that I can share some of it here to get feedback or if anyone wants to add their story too, or maybe some things will help??

Of course, YouMeI will have to approve of it first!

Lavender0916 posted 8/9/2017 18:28 PM

ISurvivedSoFar and HopefulKate,
Thank you for those very insightful responses. Maybe I put up with more than I should for my compassion towards my WH.

Have to keep chugging away. At least the protector let's me open up about feelings and scenarios without argument. Baby steps.

Sadinky posted 8/10/2017 17:36 PM

Fairly new to posting here and just trying to find my "place" in all of these pretty sucky places.
Me 37. WH 37. ADD 12&9
5 years ago for out about H excessive porn and add surfing.
1 yr ago found out nothing had stopped and had escalated to prostitute contact but no meeting.
Started MC and found out H was sexually abused for years by a babysitter. Always new about the shitty parents but that view escalated for me.
2 mths later H had sex with prostitute.
S followed by R. And lots of MC he was seeing the same therapist for IC. We didn't know any better.
Fast forward. Doing great. MC graduates talking connecting. Blah blah blah.
Last month wait 2 months ago. Massage parlor hand job for H. Followed by a 6 day inpatient mental health stay for suicide attempt.
H in IC with this time an amazing therapist with an extensive background in male sexual abuse.
Me in IC.
Us about to start MC. I've been the hold out on this one. I have to take care of me his time.
Eval with Psych NP and he now has a diagnosis of Bipolar 2.
I've also found out that in his past IC his abuse was barely dealt with.
He has decided with IC to start journaling about the abuse.
Sorry so long for one question but....
How can I be any type of support through this for H???

Followtheriver posted 8/11/2017 08:31 AM

Well Hell, the molester is dead, died Wednesday night.

My emotions are all over the place because in some deep sick way I loved him. My IC said that it was normal. Is it normal? Really?

Funeral is on Monday and my Mom wants me to come down home. I haven't decided yet. Do I go or not?

Just need to say that all of you are amazing. I hope that I will be able to help others as you are helping me after I pull myself out of all this shit.

hopefulkate posted 8/11/2017 17:32 PM

Hi Sadinky, welcome, though sorry you are here. We are a great group though! :)

As To how to help, just listen and offer to hold him when he can handle it. And when you feel you have compassion, offer, but when you need comforting, ask for it. I think the key is communication here. The more open you both can be, the less feelings will get hurt during the process of healing. It's hard, but it is possible. Post often or journal. It helps tremendously!!

Followtheriver: hang in there and grieve. It is TOTALLY normal to have mixed emotions here, but as to whether you go to the funeral, only you know what is best for you. Not best for your mom, or anyone else, but best for you. Make this choice a healthy one for yourself. No matter what it is.

Followtheriver posted 8/12/2017 01:07 AM

Hi Sadinky,

I am new to this helping thing but I would like to try.

I am also in IC right now dealing with my childhood trauma and demons.

My BH is just being there for me. He listens when I need to talk and holds me when I need to cry. He is being very understanding because my brain is all over the place. He knows that there is nothing he can do to fix it. He does remind me that we will get through this together and that means everything to me.

ISurvivedSoFar posted 8/12/2017 06:53 AM

Followtheriver - I'm sorry you have to face this situation now but it is over. Feel everything - really. As Hopefulkate said, feel those feelings so they can pass through you rather than get stuck. Your abuser may have done good things for you or he may have only harmed you. No matter. He was the adult figure in your life and the environment he created for you with your mother was your normal. Whether or not normal was good does not mean you don't have a right to mourn that loss. Part of mourning it may be understanding you don't have to live it any longer. Then you can be free.

You need to only do what you can handle. A few years ago Mr. ISurvived became estranged from his mother - the woman who allowed him to be horribly abused and knowingly put him in harm's way, accusing him of embarrassing her when he told her of the horrors of his abusers. This continued into adulthood whereby she consistently told him he is a bad person if he did not do exactly as she wanted. Those messages have to stop and you need to do whatever is in your power to protect you and not her. It's a hard line to take but you have a wonderful BH who is on your side and loves you. Lean into him for comfort and discuss it with him and your IC. But know that whatever decision you make, it is okay and you need not feel guilt. The one who should feel guilt is your mother but that ship has sailed. Save you!

If it means closure by going to the funeral then go. If it means you take a stand by staying away and declaring your victory from abuse, then stay away.

Thinking of you (((Followtheriver)))

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