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Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses - Part 3

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Followtheriver posted 8/14/2017 00:47 AM

Hopefulkate and ISurvivedsofar

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I really do appreciate your help. You gave me some things to think about and a different perspective which I needed.

My IC thought that I should go for closure. Whether to offer forgiveness or a rot in hell send off, I'm considering both. She thought I might regret missing this last opportunity.

My BH said that he would understand and support whatever I decided to do. He did remind me that I do not owe them a damn thing and if I go, do it for me and no one else. He also told me that he could not and would not go with me.I understand his reasons.

Also, he hasn't said anything but I know and am sensitive to the fact that me going down home is a big trigger for him because of my A. And yet he really does want me to do what is best for me.

So I have decided to go. My main concern is to make my BH feel as safe and secure as possible. I have now told our DD the truth about what happened and now she is going with me. Since she is a therapist herself, I couldn't ask for better support.

I'll let you all know how it goes.

[This message edited by Followtheriver at 1:19 AM, August 14th (Monday)]

YouMeI posted 8/16/2017 06:32 AM

So for the last 2.5ish years I have gone to therapy minimum one time a week.

I ust missed one because we were on vacation, then missed one because HK was away, now my therapists is away for 3 weeks.

So the "others" in my head have been very very quite, only really making noise when HK is around.

I feel like I am either doing a great job at roboting or suppressing but given our schedules the last half of the summer I/they don't have a ton of space to just let our guard down.

This is not all bad. There is some growth in this. I was afraid I was becoming co-dependent on my therapist. And while I feel I need a session I am ok. Roboting isn't all bad. It helped me for the 11-12 days HK has been away the last 3 weeks.

I would normally check in with my therapist but because I haven't been talking and the "others" aren't around I am checking in with you guys. It helps remind me that I have "others" and that too much roboting for me could be masking depression, so this is a way to remind myself I still feel

So many times in my life I have told people "I feel fine". It is almost the biggest and most frequent lie I have ever told.

And right now. I don't know if I am fine or not. My brain lies to me to keep me moving. That's how abuse has programmed me.

So I will say...I think I am ok...but 5 minutes from now I might not be...and that's ok.

This is a rant so I am sorry, I just felt I needed to crack the valve a bit before work.

Skan posted 8/17/2017 14:04 PM

Hey YouMe!, I *SO* hear you about saying I'm Fine. A lot. That polite social noise that says I acknowledge that you're standing in front of me, now can you please just go away? One heck of a trial for you, on having both the therapist and HK away. Do you think that you're gaining any insights about being alone in many?

Followtheriver, I'm glad that you're going to do what YOU need to do. Make the decision that is best for you, and no one else attending the funeral. Glad that your BH is OK with the decision. In all frankness, I probably couldn't go either, between the A triggers and the protection triggers likely to occur because of the reason that you were there. (My protector just took a look out of my eyes when I typed the previous sentence, BTW.) So very glad that your DD is going to be with you!

Lavender0916 posted 8/17/2017 14:34 PM

Welcome Sadinky, I am so glad you found us. You will find a mountain of support on this forum whatever you decide. Continue with your IC. It will be very hard to support H in this without some grounding on your part. Feel free to vent here. We have all been there or going through the emotions: anger, confusion, anxiety, sadness, even hope, happiness, and Love.
Followtherivermy WH is going through his mother's death and I can relate to your experience. You are doing all the right things; consulted with IC, make sure BH is safe, and most importantly taking care of you.

Way to go YouMeI! I hope I have a similar success story in 2 years with my WH/SAS.

However I need to vent today. I don't know if it's mercury retrograde, but major anxiety of his whereabouts on Tuesday and today. I was super nervous his therapy is far from our house and the AP's house is on the way. WH's Protector/Teen came out yesterday morning and I handled I awfully. I am at work and should be working but obsessing when I will get another text from him. He is on the motorcycle for crying out loud. It's his zen. Can we say SUPER Co-dependent today??? Just want today over with; so I can hear about this amazing therapist we found him and get on with date night. I was so strong these last 6 weeks and falling apart this week. I know it's only been 6 weeks since DDAY 3. He has been most things right with transparency, EXCEPT this week. I want to say it's because 6 weeks since the last DDAY so its all raw.
Trying to see the important things. He is focused around the house more like he ever has been. He is repairing the relationships with the children. They are happier. UGH....Somebody slap me and get me to wake up and get on him for proof of whereabouts...

YouMeI posted 8/18/2017 12:03 PM

I just lost my 2nd childhood friend in the last month or 2. Devastating.

I had not talked to him in a few years and he reached out to me just the other day. I won't post his story but he battled some major trauma.

At any rate he reached out to me late one night and about a half hour later I responded. I checked my social media in the AM to see if he responded back and he was gone. His social media page I had looked at the night before of him and his family was now a tribute page.

I often feel like life is moving so fast and to lose 2 friends like that at the age of 40 is just devastating.

Skan posted 8/19/2017 17:32 PM

Ah crap, YouMe! That's horrible! I'm so sorry for your loss. How strange, in a way, to reach out after so much time, right at the end of his life. I sincerely hope that it wasn't a stray cry for help that he felt, wasn't answered....

This is going to sound strange, I think, but I'm envious that you have childhood friends. The oldest friend that I have, and I'm not in anything like constant contact with him, was someone I met when I was 17. I don't have people who knew me as a child, other than cousins that I am not close to anymore, physically or mentally. We Facebook, but nothing in depth. Of course, it doesn't help that I have gaping holes in my memory of being a child. One of the gifts of both numerous concussions, Lyme Disease, and Fibromylogia, all rolled into one. I do remember people from my childhood and teens, but sort of in a 3rd party instance. It's strange.

Well, talk about a complete TJ. Anyway, I do have to agree with you in that it seems like life is flying by. No matter how hard that at times, I try to step off of the path and slow down.

hopefulkate posted 8/20/2017 07:59 AM

Lavender, hoping your fears have calmed a little, or you have your location checks! How did therapy go??

skan , thanks for the reply to YouMeI. T/J or not, you make some good points too. His use of "friend" is from the past, meaning 20-30 years ago. YouMeI has only one person he talks to, and that is his friend since kindergarten, but they speak maybe a few times a year, and this friend just does not have it in him to be understanding or supportive.

He is very isolated and it is hard; to say the least. No family, no new friends, some texts between some acquaintances, but outside of me and his counselor, that is pretty much it. His homework is to work on this, but given how friendships (and family relationships) worked out in the past ....why we are here on this site....he is understandably afraid to step outside the house, essentially.

This seems to be a season of loss for us. Parents of friends current and past seem to be on the other side of life, and he recently lost two friends of his peer group once upon a time.

What I find interesting is that the first friend loss was a friend at the older teens time frame, while this next person was of the younger teens peer group. The child has already lost his parents and siblings (due to choice not death), and I wonder how this will unfold, healing wise.

Meaning: I think this is a fabulous opportunity for each age group to grieve. Properly grieve for the loss of someone who was good in their lives, and recognize that there was (and IS!) good throughout time. Sure, it might be small, but it's there, and it's sooooo worth remembering and appreciating.

Death, understandably, is his hardest topic. I wonder if many of you can relate?

However, I think as we age, understanding how important a role death plays, can allow us to fully appreciate and embrace the human experience.

Of course, I'm not ready yet, and after years of planning his and coming so close to it, his fear has grown even stronger.

I am rambling. It is a strange thing to post like this, but I think it benefits all of us to have this conversation here too.

It sure will help me when you all respond with thoughts!

burn posted 8/20/2017 17:49 PM

I'm new to this thread- I usually post on Emotionless infidelity, but as I delve into some of my own issues, it seems like time to start getting some input over here.

My SI story in brief- I'm a BS married 22 years to a WH who spent the last 8 years finding strangers online to hook up with. Dday was 12/15/16 - 8 months ago. We are still together and trying to work on things in MC, both in IC as well.

As a child I was molested by my older sister (I was 6 or 7 and she was 13 or 14). For a long time, I didnt think it was abuse because it wasnt by an adult or by a male and it wasnt that "bad". As an adult I work as a lawyer on child abuse cases (no coincidence there) and it wasnt until I had been doing that a few years and handled a sibling sexual abuse case that I realized that what I went through was abuse. But then I thought it hadn't affected me because I had a successful career, a family, and was "happily" married. I also have never wanted to discuss it because my sister is now one of my biggest supports in my life, especially since Dday (she is one of the few people I told).

I have been in IC for 4 or 5 months now, but I've never told my therapist about this. I've never told anyone- I am only doing it here because of the anonymity. Its not as if it was a repressed memory- I've always remembered, but all this other stuff has made the memories definitely resurface.

I have come to the point where I know I need to deal with this if I am going to be able to heal, but I've avoided discussing it for so long, I dont know how to bring it up, even in therapy. I know that my resistance to addressing it is probably the very reason I need to do so. Its so damn uncomfortable and embarassing. I never seem to be able to do something that might hurt someone else, even if it might be in my own best interests. I know I put up with many years of emotional abuse by WH even before Dday and I have to find someway out of the pattern of feeling like I deserve that kind of treatment. I'm also scared though, that telling someone will make it more real, and rehashing all that trauma is going to maybe be more than I can handle right now.

So- how do I start? Is it worth it? Will it really make anything better to deal with it?

YouMeI posted 8/20/2017 20:10 PM

Ah crap, YouMe! That's horrible! I'm so sorry for your loss. How strange, in a way, to reach out after so much time, right at the end of his life. I sincerely hope that it wasn't a stray cry for help that he felt, wasn't answered....

This is insanely hard to read

He is very isolated and it is hard

Insanely hard

hopefulkate posted 8/20/2017 22:18 PM

Yes. They are. The first, I doubt very much this was the case.

The second...fixable.



Better times...❤️

Adlham posted 8/21/2017 17:16 PM

Just checking in with another PSA.

So after 7 long years of being dependent and sometimes addicted to opioids, I've finally got to a place where I was able to wean off! It's been almost 2 months since I've taken them routinely. It's so liberating!

Except...except they apparently are really super useful for numbing the brain as well. The absolute shit storm of emotions are a nightmare. I'm so angry about so many things that I'm having such a hard time getting started on dealing with them so I can work through them and let them go.
I mean, I'm pissed about my mother's childhood! I start trying to sort through and next thing you know, I've gone that far back.
It's a long story, google comfort women in Japan after WW2 if you want the ugly version. The short story is that her mom was forced into prostitution, then abandoned my mom and her half sister because they were mixed race. It's hard to be angry with my mom for not saving me when I know nobody saved her and so she didn't have the tools.
Anyways, I don't want to rant too much, but wanted to pass along what I'm going through in case anyone else is in the initial stages of dealing with dependency/addiction because this sucks.

hopefulkate posted 8/21/2017 19:44 PM

Fist bump, Adlam!!! And I am sorry, that is a sad history for everyone involved.

Not the same level as opioids I think, but I am coming off of zoloft and trying not to curtail it with other things. My drinking of 1-2 glasses of wine a night seems to be still here though...baby steps.

It is interesting how angry and upset I feel today. I actually had the thought, why would he want to stay with someone as miserable as me, anyway???

But my internal counter, thankfully, is that this is just a season. An ugly season, sure, but it will pass and my body will self regulate. Countering still...will he still be around when I am better?? Further counters, let go of the outcome, you will be ok...and then just crying because who is that strong all the time?!?!?! ....and...then back to sane.

Anyway, baby steps as your body and brain readjust. It is helping me to visualize my brain rewiring itself and to try to use things that mimic the Zoloft like exercise...and wine (uhhhh let's not use that as the take away here! )

For me, the sadness is tangible and I am dizzy all the time, like having the spins constantly. Last time I got off of them it took six weeks, but I was newly too pregnant so...

Good luck! You are not alone and you are doing great!!!

I can also share what my counselor told me to do. When the sad thoughts come, don't always let them take over. Just don't.

lol....sounds simple right? Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

Ok now I am rambling. Take care and post if it helps!

hopefulkate posted 8/24/2017 09:55 AM

I seem to be a bit all over the place, but I am curious to people's thoughts on this. I posted it in general, but I don't think it will get seen. The part I am curious is this regarding why I seem to evoke or attract such jealousy in my life when I don't think I am bad, cocky or flaunting.

"I brought my post into IC today, and it was a great session.

She proposed that rather than it be something inside me that attracts these people (or makes others act against me), that instead, it is that I had not yet learned to discern which people to let into my life, and which to not.

So instead of ignoring my gut when I met the AP all those years ago, I thought, all people are innately good, and all evidence to the contrary in my past means nothing.

But now I can listen to that little voice inside that really does know what is best for me!

Second perspective: the devil will hide in beauty. So yes, she is pretty, but how else would she be so successfully manipulative? (Not that only pretty can people act this way, or that all do...).

But what if, my term of her as evil was correct. What if what attracted her to me (and mr Kate) was our good? Our light? Our...naivety.

Her spin was philosophical: the evil or the devil is attracted to light in order to conquer or destroy it. She believes I have a good heart, so perhaps it was evil attacking good, and though a battle was won, the war was lost this time."

So... thoughts? My IC blowing smoke to make me feel better? Or perhaps truth to this idea?

hopefulkate posted 8/31/2017 09:47 AM

Did you ever think you didn't belong? Then find out you do?

Good but sad but good IC session yesterday. More confirmation I am here in both guises....

Sigh, cry, now getting up for breathing and moving on with the day!

Healinggirl posted 8/31/2017 11:37 AM

Five years out. What a rollercoaster but we're still together.

For the first couple of years I put my healing on hold and concentrated on helping him....and I even told my IC I wasn't co-dependent. Ha!

Thanks to Hopefulkate and others on SI I understood recently that I was dealing with three people in one, but the adult is present about 90% of the time now. The child cried for the first 18 months after DD, and he wouldn't let me out of his sight. But his progress has been amazing and I'm really proud of him. No relapses, the child is integrating and the teenage protector has almost integrated, too. I guess he's almost there.

So...now its my turn. Sometimes I just feel like his mother and its a role I had to take to help him. He was an 11 year old a lot of the time. But now he's an adult its not necessary anymore.

I'm probably emotionally exhausted, but I think I am also mourning the loss of being exclusive to each other. I won't let him see me naked....its taken away my confidence in how I look and I don't think that is ever going to come back now. Yet he clearly adores me...so its only in my head.

I realised a long time ago that I would never trust him again and we are both ok with me looking over his shoulder when he's texting. I've never found anything untoward, but I honestly don't think I would ever trust any man again after this.

So I'm trying to get used to the changes, trying to get used to the scars its left me with, trying to move away from the role of mother to wife.

I think this post is my way of helping myself to realise that I'm ok. We're ok. But we have both come out of this differently. He has done a massive amount of healing and he's the best he's ever been, but I'm battle scarred and weary and still half expecting for him to fall over so that I can pick him up.

CSA can really mess with all of us......

YouMeI posted 9/2/2017 17:17 PM

The worst part that makes us what we are...

The worst part that makes us what we are is that from day one we always have the medicine.

We take it with us were ever we go.

It is on our nightstand.

In our car.

In our homes.

The medicine lives in our heads. Without taking this medicine we will self destruct. Without taking this medicine we will hurt the ones we love the most.

That medicine is simply...talking.

Talking heals. The shame/guilt/confusion/denial slowly weighs on us like a disease. Makes us feel like we can never take our medicine. Makes us feel like the medicine is bad for us. You never heal from disease without taking your medicine.

I am so sorry I didn't take mine

Lavender0916 posted 9/3/2017 22:36 PM

Hi Hopefulkate!! Thank you for sharing. It gives me such insight. This is not a pretty mercury retrograde.
Like you Hopeful, I trust everyone. I am not realizing how easily manipulated I can be.
I just came back from 5-day trip with just my WS. It was so magical, not have to stress on his whereabouts, he was so passionate, such a wonderful and fun trip. We met someone my WS has met on his tasting tours. Told me right away he doesn't trust this person. I thought she was nice, etc. Of course my betrayed brain light came on and thinking he was at this event when he met her with his AP., or worse the two of them hooked up. I was surprised how much he knew about her. I normally have this feeling in my heart when I don't feel comfortable around someone. Most of the time now I don't ignore it thank goodness.
I hate the anxiety attacks too and like HopeFul, wine is my go -to. I do exercise now 4x a week as well.

Burn - welcome!

All in all one day at a time. Our trip was so amazing. Now back home and all the anxiety returns. Yes, WS has been doing well with showing me his whereabouts. I thought he would be surprised when we got back from our trip that I would back to asking to see his phone etc. All he said was "I know I have to earn back that trust". Ugh, what is real and not real?How did Skan, Healinggirl, HopefulKate get through these early days of trust issues, anxiety, and just down and out pain.

Sometimes when i think I get a handle on whatever it is, it all comes full circle smack in the face.

Healinggirl posted 9/5/2017 04:17 AM

In answer to Lavender's post - we survived as a couple with my sanity intact because of him. That's the reality. Initially I gave him three months, then another three months, then six months. By the end of the first year I knew we had a good chance. SI helped enormously of course.

I saw that was genuinely sorry and was making huge efforts to repair the damage he'd inflicted on me. That kept me going and gave me hope even though my pain was off the scale.

I ranted, I cried, I questioned endlessly, I drank too much wine but he always hugged me and reassured me that he loved me. I didn't believe him at first but his genuineness shone through.

So that's it really. He'd had something so awful happen to him but when he was in adult mode he didn't use it as an excuse,

He's won my respect for all the sheer hard work he's put in. I think we really will grow old together.

hopefulkate posted 9/5/2017 11:04 AM

I need to come back to this thread more...so much healing to do still...and I have missed some posts!

Burn - I am so sorry for all of your pain!!! As to the question, is it worth it? HOLY HELL YES! 1000000 times yes!!! I have had some things I either did, saw, or was a victim too, and it all induced shame. The only shame I have left now is related to the affair - because I have healed from the others - and it feels like...like a new me. If the A pain isn't around and I think of those things, my chest can fill to the brim with air, and I am ok with the past and happy with who i am. (I have a LOT of shame regarding the A....which is not mine to carry, but something I am working on currently. Does it suck? F yeah...but the end is worth it, so I keep going.)

How are you lately?

[This message edited by hopefulkate at 11:12 AM, September 5th (Tuesday)]

hopefulkate posted 9/5/2017 11:10 AM

Healinggirl - thanks for posting!! Glad I was able to help by sharing! Your post gives me hope too.

What I didn't share in the other forums is that my issue lately has been why YouMeI can't be an adult around me, if he can be an adult around everyone else? My counselor said it was time to pull the kiddie gloves off and expect more from him. (This was a while ago and I didn't agree with her then - but I do now.). I wonder if it is because I think he is ready, or because I am tired of playing the 'nurturing mother type' role?

I asked him this the other day and while having a few emotional conversations, the adult stayed with me.

I fear the younger parts getting suppressed and then I fear never knowing what is real. Growing up as a SAS, lying and hiding yourself are survival skills. He trickle truthed me by lying to my face, with direct questions. My gut knew he was lying, but he still did it.

I invited him to my counseling appointment a few weeks ago - in part because his counselor was out of town, in part because i wanted his perspective on something, and in part because i want to resume MC some time soon. But when my IC said, 'he's fine and you don't need to worry', and asked him point blank, how are you? He lied right to her face and said he is fine.

Later he acknowledged that she just isn't a safe person for him, so he can't talk there....fine. But i saw that face. I heard that tone.

How the hell can I know what is real or not?

Wow....t/j i think.

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