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Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses - Part 3

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Lavender0916 posted 9/20/2017 18:35 PM

Getting help and taking care of yourself

Still learning. Very hard for those of us neglected so young. I remember around age 6 or 7 I hid in a box to see if my mom would look for me. A couple hours past and she did not.

Fast forward to now. I have since come across an item my WH has been hiding from me. Normally I would call it out at the moment. This time I waited. It was super painful. However, I am glad I did. I had therapy on Monday, cried my eyes out and she made it clear to me that I am not alone. She helped me come up with what to say in a calm and not blubbering manner and ask him to talk to his IC about it. Boom! Off my plate.

My dear HopefulKate, letting go is the hardest thing. Does YouMeI have to say these things right now? Or does he get a choice? It's what you do with the outcome. All my shit is all so new right now. Hard to say where I will be in 2.5 yrs. Shame is the hardest thing survivor's deal with. They take many horrible things to the grave.
Many hugs to you

hopefulkate posted 9/20/2017 20:16 PM

Thanks so much, Lavender. :)

I have played the 'hide in the box' game too...many times, hoping for a different answer- it never came. Sad right? I'm so sorry you had to feel that. I immediately picture a 6 year old you, just waiting and feeling those feelings that no child should. Neglect is....pretty damaging to say the least.

I can't imagine doing that to my kiddos. The second the house gets quiet I am off looking. (That's when the permanent markers get used on the good linens!)

Yes, my IC thinks most of my issues are stemmed from my past (which I have not yet healed from), and since the A, we moved, got preggo, moved again, had a dog, got rid of the dog, moved my mom, moved my sister, took over taking care of them formally, new schools and friends, had that baby who is now a toddler, and YouMeI is just now starting to journal, and I am just now starting to really, truly dig into my own FOO.
Oh, and still *some* withdrawal symptoms from Zoloft...ADD diagnosis, c-ptsd ...I am not alone here, or a snowflake!, but each of these events has sort of put me back again I think.

I know I say this part often but it's because I certainly hope I am not discouraging to anyone that I am up and down again "this far out".

So really, it's not like I have been able to fully, actively heal, and given my FOO and his multiplicitous nature, I am confident that my time frame will be different than many here. Longer. Perhaps a lot? Hopefully not?

OR...am i just making excuses, minimizing, or otherwise not looking at this correctly? Everyone has so much that goes in their lives - I am worrisome that I am playing the "woe is me" card, when I am trying to give myself some compassion for healing time, while at the same time I am causing other distress over how stuck I can get at times.

Gosh I am wordy lately. Hopefully I will be able to focus better soon. I promise, I am intelligent! Stupid emotions bring my IQ down

devotedman posted 9/22/2017 00:39 AM

Be wordy if you need.

So, regarding he "woe is me" card. hopefulkate, I'm 20-ish years older than you. I read about all of the stuff going on in your life and I think, "My God, how does this women do all of this stuff?"

I truly think (based upon my own life and perceptions and _me_ ) that I could not do all of the stuff that you do on my best of days. I said once before, Jiminy Pete! How do you do all of this and heal, too?

I dunno. I couldn't. Perhaps I'm burnt-out, perhaps something else, but I just don't think that I could.

Take some time! Smell the roses. Be introspective.

hopefulkate posted 9/22/2017 11:36 AM

Thank you, DM.

My sister has many narcissistic traits, and I can get self centered too -though I wonder if that is more survival driven than personality?

Lavender0916 posted 9/27/2017 20:48 PM

I disagree, It is not self-centered. Beware of Martyr syndrome. I can speak for myself is I could not trust anyone in my own family. Mom or Dad. I thought I could trust my Dad and one day he sided with my crazy narcisstic Aunt. My whole world came down. I realized he loved me but never supported me.

My WH was the person I trusted the most. Then then f'in A happened. Here I am back at square one with no one to trust but myself. It f'in hurts. I curse myself for being so vulnerable. However, prior to the A, I had no reason not to trust him. Will I ever again...? If it wasn't for this thread, I see a light. But it is far off in the distance.

DM, we over do it to try to fulfill an emptiness that wasn't there as kids. Keeping busy(crazy busy) keeps your mind off the crap. My mom used to tell me I burned the candle at both ends. To be honest I have to learn to say "No"

Hugs hopefulkate for ALL your sharing

hopefulkate posted 9/28/2017 10:43 AM

Thank you once again, Lavendar. Martyrdom. Yes. My mom is amazing at this, and I do need to be more conscious of my thoughts here, as my resentment towards them is not always at zero. 😬

Boundaries. Limits.

Staying busy...gosh I prefer to be busy...

Thanks. This is important.

Lavender0916 posted 10/1/2017 21:12 PM

Hi Team,
Just checking in. I think my WH had a breakthrough in his last IC appt. I like that he shares some of his visit with me. He doesn't have to share anything. He thinks we can start MC soon. I am not sure and asked him to to ask his IC when he is ready and give us a referral. A total waste of time to go to MC and the therapist doesn't understand the complexity of CSA.

I am always confused where I will be. Still so painful. I guess Facebook tracks which sites you visit because I keep getting weird infidelity ads and stories on my news panel. I hate that. There has to be a way to turn that off. One "article" was why woman cheat on their husbands...Like its ok to do so if you are not fulfilling a need. I didn't even click on it and it was a huge trigger for me.

Happy I see my IC tomorrow. Her suggestion to my latest issue (she clearly took off my plate) has been very beneficial. Plus it didn't kick off "The Protector"

HopefulKate, I hope you are feeling better.

Hugs to all

hopefulkate posted 10/2/2017 08:20 AM

(((lavender)))

Glad he got to a new understanding AND shared!!!

I think you can delete tracking cookies in your browser settings...I don't get those anymore, so i must have done something! You can also browse under private mode, and I *think* this also helps??? I should look this up.

Glad you are sure to find a MC that understands CSA. Agreed - pointless otherwise. Also add, counselor who understands infidelity and the effect on the betrayed. You will want an ally in there on all fronts!

As for those stupid articles, I can tell you that they no longer bother me. I fully assume kharma will *help* that idiot 20 something that wrote such trash. Most of the time if I do click on them, I end up laughing.

So there is hope! It is not all doom and gloom this far out - just pockets. :)

hopefulkate posted 10/2/2017 08:26 AM

Integration - the healing continues.

MrKate had bought an old car to work on with our son. This weekend he was able to sell it for more than double the cost. However, he became sad, and triggery, and started having all types of aches and pains.

I asked him if he asked everyone (all parts of self) if they were ok with selling the car.

One of them wasn't.

I bet when he finally sits down with that part of self and journals about it, his pains will be gone.

And I would bet coffee. All of my coffee for a year. I am THAT confident.

Anyway, point being, now that we know he is emotionally divided, when it comes to actions and decisions, it is good to check in with everyone once in a while.

I think we were misled into me not being a part of the healing process, and no acknowledging the different parts, and sort of just IGNORING the elephant in the room. I am certain that this approach is another factor that led to a more difficult summer, and a pause in growth from both of us.

Given life factors I often say he is only about 6 months into REAL therapy, not 2.5 years. Given life factors and trying to understand him and not myself, I am probably 1 year in to therapy for ME. I wonder about this perspective sometimes, because while it IS self compassion, is it also something we should consider more often to make more focused efforts on healing self?

Rambling....nonsense probably...going to get coffee.

Lavender0916 posted 10/6/2017 23:52 PM

Hi SI Family,
I was lurking on the co-dependent forum and DAMN, Hello to Codaville. Super Co - whatever you want to label it.

I know I am a "recovering" Co-Dependent. The acronym back in my day was CoDa. Now I guess it's Co-Dep. I like CoDa better.

I was labeled that a long time ago when I divorced my 1st husband who was emotionally abusive. So bad I fell out of love for him. My WH, was a "friend" at the time. Witness one of our power struggles. Codependent fight with a Narcissist. Where something gets thrown and something(more like lots of things) gets shattered. I was so proud of myself for sticking up for myself and all the years after that in "coda recovery". Then my parents got cancer, yep same time. I did not feel strong anymore. Back and forth from California to Ohio at least 3x a year for the next 3 years until they past with a toddler. Little did I know how much my CSA WH was sucking me emotionally dry could not support me and ran away to someone who could. Or as they say in the CoDep forum. I enabled him, doing everything for him, including taking care of my parents, my CSA stepdaughter (now daughter) who hit puberty in the worst way with Dissociative Disorder from her psycho, BPD,neglectful bio mom. Yes, poor baby was sexually abused by her mom's boyfriend around age 5. During those hard years, I honestly thought he was there for me. Logically how could he? God bless him, he just learned in his last IC that he was never loved from birth...from anyone in his family. He really doesn't know what love is...I am telling you. His IC is a fricken Godsend. All that I know and studied like Hopeful, he is finally catching up on. So flashback 1.5 years and I am burying my Dad. I am nothing of a person left. Questioning "who am I", What do I like to do? I can't believe I had enough energy to figure out where I wanted to work. (Yea, was laid off right before my Dad passed). Always a good Christian put my faith in God and found the best job ever. With an amazing leadership staff. But Gosh Darnit he has an ED disorder during all this mess and I didn't HELP him. But the A did!!! And I FOUND OUT 2 days after I started my new job(DDAY1). Can you believe no one noticed? my pain and anxiety?!? Talk about Super CoDep!! Hopeful called me SuperWoman. Maybe cuz I am Eastern European and we are used to emotional suffering.

I don't like label's but seems to be all over SI. I know I am Co-Dependent. Luckily I found that forum. Yes, there is so much I need to work on myself. What does that look like in my current scenario? I am still living with my WH, in the same bed. There are steps back, but seems each day more steps forward. I am not ashamed to admit I still found out crap during this last month that he is still trying to hide but something happened after my birthday. Mostly me letting go control, and letting him do the work. It's when CSA goes to Sexual Addiction with the help of Dr. Cialis. So which forum do I belong on? I am not sure what shifted, but I see it now in him. I stay right now because I am codependent and getting help. I stay right now because he is finally including the kids in his life. I stay right now because we are married (and my 2nd). I stay because I know how he was when he was seeing an IC in the past. I stay because in 1.5 months of therapy I am seeing positive change. I am staying until we can go to MC. That's my deal and sticking to it. I chose to stay, so it won't be easy. This is for me and our family, not for him.

As a Co-Dep recovery, there is no prize or monument for me at the end. Just positive change for all. Happiness.. Knock down the pedestals with a sledge hammer!!!

hopefulkate posted 10/8/2017 12:15 PM

Growth is painful too. Super fair, right? We get hurt. We learn, we have to embrace and feel that hurt again in order to heal. Fuck that is hard!

BUT! Look at you being all hopeful!! You have a plan (in this moment, I wouldn't want to hold anyone to anything given how often I change my mind! ) And you are choosing to stay right now. Good for you!

As to which forum? I wish we could change this forum title to those that have been hurt as kids. It is amazing how much we all have in common, and how easily many of the Co-Dep behaviors develop when trying to manage chaos at a young age. Though I do understand why specifically sexual abuse needs its own topic - there is just so much emotional abuse and neglect that have cross over side effects. KWIM?

[edited to remove my stupid from showing]


MrKate continues to push forward and work hard towards integration and a healthy mind. (The ball of shame is one hell of a bastard to kill.)

I think i am just angry ranting with no point. The tone of SI when I first joined a few years ago seemed so much lighter. I wonder if the condition of society is one of the reasons things have become bleaker sounding? (At least in the US).

Maybe I am just in that difficult phase of year 2/3. I know enough now to recognize that this will be a great challenge - much like surviving in those first few months. Except, in those first few months I was ruled by emotions and had my coping skill of obsessive learning to fall back on. Now, I am just in pain as I grow and heal and learn acceptance. I can not dull it with knowledge, I can only head into it. Feel it, and grow from it.

And gosh this fucking sucks sometimes.


....in other news...I am off meds and doing well, just recentering myself and feeling more than I had before as the meds took some of it for me.

...in other news, understanding I have PMDD is helping me to better manage my emotions (you can totally tell right now, right? )

....in other news the kids are doing great, and now that little Kate is walking, it is much easier and the "baby" depression is easing.

....in other news I think I have figured out how to help MrKate learn again, so he can get a better job and work out that ball of shame. Given DID - he has often had a block when it comes to math. And he is very smart, but retention seems to be an issue. My new theory is that now that everyone is front and center, everyone can relearn the math together (as math is a subject based on foundational knowledge - meaning, a continuum of facts.) There has been some pretty interesting things discovered here, and I hope to come back and post more. One persona is roughly 10. This is where the first gap in math knowledge lies. Fascinating, right??? I think this is a big deal...and not just for math. Anyway....

....its not all bad, but there is always that sadness underlying things at the moment. I don't think this will be my forever state. It's just the state of right now. So right now is challenging, painful, wonderful, and crazy bad and good, all at once. Overall I am thankful. Even though it may not sound that way.

Hmmm....i needed a vent. Now back to you Lavender?? :)

[This message edited by hopefulkate at 7:14 AM, October 10th (Tuesday)]

Lavender0916 posted 10/10/2017 14:08 PM

Hmmm....i needed a vent. Now back to you Lavender?? :)

Yes, I was venting(busted). I agree with Hopeful. You have to be careful where you lurk. I definitely belong here on this Forum more than anywhere else. Everyone is very kind, non-judgemental, and super super supportive. I was in the Recovery forum and my stuff doesn't apply either. There is some good reading in co-dependent forum, however won't post much there. It is comforting I can vent here.

BUT! Look at you being all hopeful!! You have a plan (in this moment, I wouldn't want to hold anyone to anything given how often I change my mind! ) And you are choosing to stay right now. Good for you!

I have to chuckle a little at this one. This week possibly a month this is my state. Hard to say this may change. One day at a time.
I want to give HopefulKate a big hug, not knowing you had PPD. Please be kind to yourself. So much going on at once. Thinking about you as you go off meds.

I noticed you edited, the very Quote I wanted to point out. Please don't say it's stupid. It's how I feel and agree my husband re-enacted his abuse as well from his overwhelming trauma. Now I feel stupid because you have to spell out KWIM for me. LOL


Growth is painful too. Super fair, right? We get hurt. We learn, we have to embrace and feel that hurt again in order to heal. Fuck that is hard!

It is very hard. Especially someone like me who tries to run away from the pain or want to fix it fast. The thing I am struggling with is remorse, not mine - if WH has any? Then I go back to what DM quoted by not becoming someone with integrity for a while....That is what is hurting me a lot right now. However, I chose to stay. I see the hurt in WH while he is learning almost 50 years later as too why.

Skan posted 10/10/2017 20:13 PM

Just dropping back in to say Hi! Lavendar, look at you, doing all of this Adulting and stuff with your planning! Kate, sorry I couldn't offer any advice about the PMDD. Menopause? Yep, I could cover that, but I've been out of the monthly fertility reminder loop for about 25 years.

The committee has been pretty quiet in the last few months. Occasional popups for some facetime, but being really subtle about it. Dealing with a lethal plain of flatness from Mr. Skan, which I patiently tried to wait out, and then got aggressive about because I could sense him drifting, and I found that I was having urges to go Find A Hobby NOW, which is my #1 way of detaching. Have had a couple of deep talks with him about it, and while we are working on it, the good news is that my protector didn't even feel a need to take a peek. Heck, she's more present when the hummingbirds start buzzing the house and joins the kittens with hunting eyes, tracking the flight patterns.

Which is a long-winded way of saying that we're doing pretty darn good right now. I'll take it.

Lavender0916 posted 10/12/2017 00:35 AM

Thank you Skan! So fricken awesome how well things are going for you and MrSkan. Do you look back and say Damn!, look how far we came? Thank you for staying and sharing all the good stuff. I hope I can do that too.

Thank you for clarifying PMDD, I guess I misunderstood. I thought PPD after Lil Kate was born.

I had my last child a month before my 40th birthday so it kick started "some" of my menopause symptoms. OR SO I THOUGHT...
little did I know the lack of taking care of myself, being overweight, major anxiety caused my nightsweats and snapish behavior. Now that the A is out in the open, hopefully R is in full swing I actually don't have those symptoms much anymore. I hate to say it. My OB/gyn was right. My environment was causing it. My anxiety was on the path of self destruction trying to save everyone else. Regardless, we all go through tough times where we need extra help. Probably not from a "re-enacting" SAS. Do you all know some of my closest girlfriends are SAS? (CSA) I did not notice until the A. Dang! Grab a straw and start sucking! There is plenty to go around! NOT.
However cannot tell a Co-dependent what to do. As my Dad used to say, "She is going to do what she wants to do" Ugh!! I went from Mrs Optimistic to Mrs Venting again. sorry folks

hopefulkate posted 10/12/2017 09:42 AM

Oh my but it has been a busy time here!

Hi Skan!! I like when this thread gets activity. You are my peeps, and I love you all so very much! I will have to ask about menopause then....but....fingers crossed not for some time! Poor, poor MrKate lol!

My PMDD is not active this month (thank God!) so my only symptoms today are cramping. I'm on an every other month schedule with crazy. But...at least it is scheduled???

I was PPD after my first born, before my second, and was proactive about it with my third and just went on AD's at week 36 or 38; I can't remember. But I think they are all related. I have always had bad PMS swings, so add in the fun of an A and all that life had provided pre-crack, and I am a delight every 25 days for about 10 days!! (Who wants to hang out??)

Lavender, my OB said the same thing when I was pregnant with my second. I was working 60-80 hours at a big firm, selling my house and my mom's, buying a new house for all of us to live together, and dealing with MrKate's depression-right before his big plunge into his breakdown years. I was in such denial, I thought I was just tired and didn't want to work. I loved my job! My body was trying to say, hey, maybe its not a good idea to move in with your mom who triggers everyone and you constantly have to protect your kids from her "honesty". Well, now I know!

MrKate had a Dr look at his shoulder (for like the umpteenth time) and suggested it may be a mental issues and not physical. We both called him a quack and considered filing suit - no joke, denial was deep! Not a week after DDay and full confession to abuse, and his pain that had lasted decades was completely gone.

The Body [DOES] Keep the Score!

Well, I will say that I think I am fully off of zoloft and it's withdrawal [hell]phase. Wow - that was a rollercoaster of its own! MrKate survived!!! #nomurders continues...

I am breathing freely again, and am enjoying the calm. I know that I will feel pain and sadness again, but am becoming more aware and cognizant of the pain being hormonal, and not necessarily REAL. Real, meaning, I am not being betrayed RIGHT NOW. I am not being hurt by others RIGHT NOW. The world is not out to get me. I am not a bad person. I am not an ugly weirdo that nobody likes. (Well, I am weird, but that is cool lol!). Those are the things that are hard to see when the pain hits, so I am working on enjoying the calm moments and planning how to help ease the symptoms when they do come back around.

Getting there. Slowly, but surely.

hopefulkate posted 10/12/2017 10:07 AM

I noticed you edited, the very Quote I wanted to point out. Please don't say it's stupid. It's how I feel and agree my husband re-enacted his abuse as well from his overwhelming trauma. Now I feel stupid because you have to spell out KWIM for me. LOL

Lavender, I am sorry for this. I often think, I should just leave what i write, even though it is frought with spelling errors and changes to words due to autocorrect - but that was me feeling....too vulnerable. I think I worried that others who didn't think they fit my mold would think I was judging them. Which is silly, because I posted in here. Whether you are the BS or the WS, CSA has landed you here - and BOY DO I GET IT FROM BOTH SIDES!

For me, I don't think the other forums make a lot of sense sometimes. We are supporting our survivors who acted out (or our survivors are healing from their WS who "felt" pushed away ....God I know what this feels like and almost had an A myself)....the difference here is that these wounds are sooooo soooo deeply embedded in the brain, that the majority of the other forums just DOES NOT APPLY. And it can be quite lonely at times. So when it is quiet in here, I can get into that self pity party place. Hmmm...ok, now I am seeing my error here. When I feel sad about that, I need to reach out more...ok I will try that next time.

Sorry for the edit. I was afraid to hurt other's feelings, and since no one had replied I kind of figured no one had read it.

And while we are here - am I the only one who thinks that no one even knows who they are? Or thinks that others just wish they would go away and stop posting or talking or ....gulp...existing? Without wishing it, I guess.

I need a lot of external validation still. How do we let this go? How do I become enough for myself? I'm working on this one. I don't hate myself anymore! This is kind of a big deal. So may be that is just step one?


It is very hard. Especially someone like me who tries to run away from the pain or want to fix it fast. The thing I am struggling with is remorse, not mine - if WH has any? Then I go back to what DM quoted by not becoming someone with integrity for a while....That is what is hurting me a lot right now. However, I chose to stay. I see the hurt in WH while he is learning almost 50 years later as too why.

Curious, what does your WH say about this? For MrKate - he just didn't have the words to identify feelings for a long time. He did art therapy - hugely helpful. MrKate would says things like, "I feel all of this.....THIS [pointing to parts of his body, heart, throat, head]...but I can't get it out. It's here! It's so powerful! But, it's just there."

For him, he sees colors, not words, so we are working on identifying what different colors are for him. The other day something really good happened, it was a good moment and I can't remember for the life of me, what it was...BUT...He turned to me and said, "YELLOW!". And then explained that he felt a lot of good things and just sees yellow. So....he's still pre-verbal at times.

One of the reasons he doesn't write a lot here. He is starting to journal finally, and I think this is helping.

Thank you also for reminding my of my Coda issues. My IC doesn't think I am, but, I am not so sure. I am struggling with boundaries and things when some of my peeps aren't mentally fully capable. I am working on defining what I am, and what I can handle.

I did let people know I had a thought time yesterday as I watched my mom head off into surgery. I had not been affected like that before. Scared before, sure, but this was intense. I don't know if it is because I feel things now, as opposed to living in denial for so long, or because she looks more her age in that moment (she is 66 but looks 50), and sort of looked at her into the future. It was a strong moment and I was alone. Reaching out to others prevented an emotional breakdown I just assumed I would have when I was not "on call". It never came. Maybe this is more what self care is??

Rambling....going back to points. :)

Skan How great that the protector was not bothered!!!!!! This is wonderful to read!!!

Do you feel switches as much? Do you feel integrations? I know you all choose to work together, which is awesome and strong and amazing! I am just a curious Kate. MrKate made fun of me the other day because I could not for the life of me understand how anyone could NOT want to know everything about everything. I heart google. :)

Now, about that plain of flatness...how goes it since acknowledging it and talking about it? I can't imagine life will be void of these planes. It just seems like the path will be growth, content, too relaxed, let things slide, re-evaluate - rinse repeat. Now, at the moment, my re-evaluate phase looks like "FUCK YOU I AM MAD AND MAYBE I DONT KNOW WHY BUT I AM BLAMING YOU UNTIL WE FIGURE THIS OUT"

....but...whatever....maybe that's just me.

devotedman posted 10/12/2017 10:27 AM

You guys are always read very often within minutes of posting. Like now!

Many times you all seem like you are really headed down the right path, or I think so, anyway, so I just don't post. But I do read and agree.

More later .

Healinggirl posted 10/13/2017 04:01 AM

Kate, you're gonna think this is weird, but regarding the plain of lethal flatness - well after things settled down I actually missed the high intensity and drama that had been part of my life for a few years. I remember actually being a bit bored.

Then I realised that the silences were comfortable, companionable times that other happily married couples have. Because we've come through so much we're inseparable these days.

Skan posted 10/13/2017 11:39 AM

So fricken awesome how well things are going for you and MrSkan. Do you look back and say Damn!, look how far we came?

I do, in a sense. In that while we still have our problems (hello-marriage!), we are vigilant about not allowing them to be rug swept for too long. I got a bit triggered yesterday afternoon when MrSkan emailed me that the company he's working for is having a two day get together in Las Vegas in early December, where the entire company comes together for training and conferences. Thought about handling it myself, and realized last night that this wasn't healthy, so I brought it up, and said that my thoughts kept circling around a Guys Night Out at the Strippers. Instead of being insulted, he nodded, said that while the company culture didn't seem to lean in that direction, he had had the same thought and had already rehearsed how to say I've got other plans. A conversation that I can't even imagine us having 5+ years ago.

Do you feel switches as much? Do you feel integrations? I know you all choose to work together, which is awesome and strong and amazing!

I don't characterize it as integrations as much as I see everyone in sort of a puppy-pile, nestled in next to each other. The switching now is usually very mellow and calm, and people are happy to share space with each other. An example is my driving. I have a teen guy cussing out people and making snarky comments about the other drivers, while the brick wall does the actual driving as it has a really steady focus. An amusing pairing that would probably not have happened without the infidelity shock and trauma. Meanwhile, I may be planning on my work load once I actually get to work. Someone will float up, take a look, and then either hang around if interested, or go back down. It's very wave-like.

MrSkan has clinical depression which he is on ADs for, probably for the rest of his life. He also has mild ADD, so he tends to get "flat" upon occasion, and sort of passively bear up by playing computer games and not making an effort to get out and actually DO anything other than go to work and come home. That smells of bad old times to me, so when he starts heading down that path is when I know I have a tendency to withdraw as well. We both recognize it and have to fight the pattern. But at least we DO fight the pattern! Much better than before.

hopefulkate posted 10/14/2017 11:17 AM

But at least we DO fight the pattern! Much better than before!

Wonderful!!! And yes, we are working on making this our new pattern. Still in the works as I tend to go back to old patterns still too. And thanks for sharing the thoughts on how things are. Sort of like looking into a window of future possibility if that makes sense?

Thanks, DM. I will think more that others are there and listening. Really need to address my need for validation still.

Thanks, Healinggirl! I often joke that we will be bored after we heal so we have decided to buy a retirement farm. No research just jump into chaos. Feels right! 😂
(Plus that is like 20 years away so I am comforted that chaos will come as we enter empty nest syndrome! Gasp!) 😭

My hormones shot back today. I am angry. Angry at the world. Angry at having to take care of everyone. MrKate needs surgery (my mom is still healing and can't drive for almost half a year and my sister and son are soon too.). Yesterday MrKate remarked how he hates I have to take care of him .... blah blah shame cycle ball...

Which is the EXACT thinking that caused him to start texting AP. He didn't want to "bother" me anymore, so he thought he was smart in making a new friend to hear him vent. That ended well...💣🔥

So today I am triggering rather deeply and making everyone clean the house. Somehow I am now here venting and they have run away to play and be far, far from me. That's just smart!! Anyway, going to go have a quick cry, do a meditation and be productive. I hate how much time this shit takes from us.

Blah...vent.

[This message edited by hopefulkate at 11:21 AM, October 14th (Saturday)]

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